Dear Diary
by shellgirl123
Summary: Things have not been going well since Leo returned from his leadership training.  It takes a horrific accident to finally open the family’s eyes to the conflicts and feelings of their most reserved brother.
1. Fights in the night

Dear Diary

Summary: Things have not been going well since Leo returned from his leadership training. It takes a horrific accident to finally open the family's eyes to the conflicts and feelings of their most reserved brother.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the Ninja Turtles. There, that should do it, right?

* * *

"As long as I'm leader you have to respect what I say!" Leonardo huffed, storming into the lair after their latest run in with the Purple Dragons. He was sick and tired of the same argument. Over and over again the arguments played out, and they always ended the same. Deep down he had hoped that things would get better after he got back from training, and they almost did. After his capture during the Winter's adventure, things seemed to have calmed down within the family, and the two warring brothers had finally seemed to come to a respectful understanding. But that hadn't lasted long and Raph once again began falling into his normal feelings of resentment, and he and Leo were once again constantly butting heads. 

"Who said we need a leader anymore. Last time I checked we were fine for the time you were gone. Or don't you remember? We can take care of ourselves, and we don't need a pompous know it all telling us what to do!" Raph growled, unconsciously twirling his sai in his clenched hand.

"I am not trying to be a know it all Raph, I am trying to keep our family safe." Leo pushed out. He was starting to get that familiar feeling of helpless frustration creep in as he watched the stern faces of his brother stare back at him. Why didn't they understand that? Why could they not understand him?

Don looked uncomfortable with the situation. He seemed very interested in the floor as the voices of his brothers echoed off the walls of their underground lair. Mikey looked unsure of everything, unsure of what side to pick, unsure of where this was going, unsure of how to end this. And then there was Raph. Leo knew the stance, the posture, the face well. He was ready for another stand off scream match, and Leo didn't know if he had the energy to face another one.

"Our family can take care of themselves! You are always telling us what to do, always smothering us. We've had enough!" Raph said, his voice rising to new levels.

"I don't know what you want from me." Leo said, exasperated. He couldn't do this. Not now. He was too tired and too frustrated. Most days he would square off with his rebellious brother, try to make him see reason. But today Leo was starting to understand that would never happen. In order to make them see reason, they had to understand, and they didn't. They never would. "I am trying to do my best, to fulfill the role that Splinter assigned me, and I can't do it when every one of my steps is met with resistance and distain!"

"I have a great answer for you then, Oh Fearless Leader," Raph spat. Every muscle in his entire body was tense and drawn as he stared down his older brother. "Leave us alone! I hate the way you boss, I hate the way you lecture, I hate the way you never let us have any fun, I hate you!"

Don's head snapped up at those words, his face drawn into a tight, uncomfortable frown. Mikey froze as the words were yelled out, now looking more unsure than ever as to how to handle this situation that had quickly flown out of control. No one in this family ever said those words. They were too close, they loved eachother, didn't they? Mike and Don knew they didn't hate Leo, they loved their older brother with all their heart. But this wasn't their fight, right?

'I hate you.' The words may as well have been a closed fist punching Leo strait in the stomach. Raph had never said those words to him before. They had yelled, screamed, cursed, and fought. But never had those three words been spat out. Is this what it had come to? Is this what his family had finally come to think of him?

Leo's shoulder sagged ever so slightly at those words. He could feel his breaths becoming harder to take, almost as though someone was grabbing his chest and pushing with all their might. His eyes flashed hurt and sadness across them, but only for a second. The emotions he was feeling were quickly buried, but he couldn't trust himself to speak another word. He swallowed hard, suddenly unable to meet his raging brother's gaze. He finally couldn't take the tension and overwhelming emotion he was feeling anymore. He turned and briskly walked out of the door to the lair and out into the night.

"Good going Raph," Mikey finally piped up after a tense minute of silence. His comment was met be the sudden slump in his brother's body posture, almost as if a cork had been released and his air had been drained out.

Raph slowly lowered himself down on the couch behind him. "Why did I say that?" he asked to no one in particular.

"I don't know." Don said quietly. "But when Leo comes back, you have to make this right. We don't hate him, and I know you don't either. I didn't have a problem with how he handled tonight, as a matter of fact, he has proven again that he is a good leader, and we need him." Don sighed, and glanced back at his now deflated brother. "Make this right Raph." Were his last words has he disappeared into his lab.

After another moment of tense silence, Mikey floated quietly out of the room as well, leaving Raph alone to think about the events that had just transpired.

* * *

Leo found himself running as fast as he could through the tunnels of his underground home. He couldn't think, he couldn't breath. His head was spinning from overwhelming emotion. He needed air, his lungs were starving for air and he couldn't fill them. 

He quickly climbed the next ladder he came to and threw off the lid, suddenly engulfed in the cool night air. He gulped it in like a parched animal that finally found water. He pulled his tired body the rest of the way out of their underground world. Suddenly he felt the urge to be as close to the sky as he could be. He began to climb the fire escape of the nearest building, needing to see the starry sky that had comforted him so many times when he was far from his family in the jungles of Central America. He made it to the roof and looked up, and was met with nothing but thick clouds and city smog. Feeling that familiar feeling of drowning, Leo began running once again, jumping from roof top to roof top, not sure where he was going, but feeling the need to run, to escape the helpless feeling that was consuming his very being.

He ran until his legs finally collapsed out from under him and he sank to the ground, atop the roof of a building he didn't recognize. He leaned his body against the side, letting his head fall into his arms. He hadn't even realized the tears that had begun flowing down his face. Those few tears led to a crack in his carefully built dam, and the salty drops began to fall faster, until he could no longer stop them, and Leo did something he hadn't done in a long time. He cried.


	2. Dark Edges

Chapter 2: Dark Edges

Thank you everyone for the kind reviews. They were much appreciated. I will try to keep updating weekly if possible. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

Raph woke up slowly, unsure of where he was. It didn't take him long to realize he was on the couch, in the same place that he ended up after his fight with Leo. He had been waiting for Leo to get home so he could talk to him, and must have dozed off.

He gazed groggily at the digital clock across the room. 3:30 A.M. Raph cursed himself slightly. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. He slowly made his way to Leo's room to see if his older brother had snuck in without waking him earlier in the night. The door to his brother's room was open, the room in pristine order, the bed empty and untouched. Raph let out a sad sigh and wondered where his brother could be. Shouldn't he have been back by now?

Raph wandered back over to the couch and sank back down into the cushions, resting his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his eyes. Why did he feel the need to start fights with Leo? Raph could not even answer that question for himself. He knew deep down his brother was a great leader, that the family would be lost without him, but for some reason he always felt the need to question his judgements, his authority, and everything else his brother did.

And then there was Raph's anger. He had always had a problem with holding in his anger and frustrations. He had a tendency to get hot headed, stubborn, rash, and, hey lets face it, overreact sometimes. Raph laughed coolly at himself. That was an understatement. He couldn't say why he was the way he was. Why he felt the need to say hurtful things even though everyone knew he didn't mean them. Why he yelled and screamed at the people he loved. He always let his anger, frustration, and emotions get the best of him, and for the life of him he didn't know how to control it.

It wasn't like he liked fighting with his older brother all the time. Well, O.K., sometimes he liked it, but not for the sake of hurting his brother. He liked the challenge, he liked the adrenaline rush, he liked questioning authority, he liked rebellion, and Leo was the only one of his brothers that offered him the challenges he longed for. So he pushed his buttons? Leo always pushed back. And in the end, it always worked itself out.

But tonight he had pushed too far. He had said words that even he knew were wrong the second they left his mouth. Though when he said the words, his body was still tense and unwavering, on the inside his mind was screaming with regret. Then that look his brother had on his face, the one that Leo thought he had hid well, it was almost like Leo was giving up. It struck Raph to the core. But Leo doesn't give up, he never gives up. And yet, he had. He had walked out silently without another word. And that single action was what finally brought the reality of the situation crashing down upon Raph's head.

He didn't hate Leo. He loved his brother, he respected the hell out of him as well, though he would never tell Leo that. Raph could not figure out why he had allowed those words to cross his mouth. Nothing about the events of this night were any different from the ones before, but for some reason Raph had taken the argument to a new level that even he didn't know he was capable of.

Why did he say that? Did he really hate Leo? Deep down in his core was there a whole fleet of emotions that he could not control that finally had broken free and were unleashed onto his unsuspecting sibling? 'No, never,' Raph though quickly. There wasn't a fiber in his being that hated his brother. Leo frustrated him, pushed him, grated on him, annoyed him, but never has Raph hated him. Raph knew the feelings that had been revealed tonight had never been meant for his brother, or any of his family. Raph didn't hate Leo. He hated himself.

* * *

_He was floating in a cool pool of water, the wind softly kissing his face, the sounds of birds chirping ringing through his ears. He looked up to the painted green canopy, watching the beauty of nature unfold around him. He suddenly heard a soft laugh, one he knew well. He felt hair brush his face, warm breath on his cheek, a hand placed on his. He let a smile cross his face ever so slowly and let himself believe…_

Leo awoke suddenly as a crash of thunder rang out above him. He was lost, and disoriented, but the rough pavement below him and the large raindrops splattering on his face brought him back to cold reality. Leo sighed softly. He must have fallen asleep on the roof where he had ended up hours before. Leo shivered slightly as more cold raindrops spattered across his body. Another pound of thunder echoed around him as he wrapped his arms around himself.

The slight peak of red in between the dark clouds overhead alerted Leo that it must be early morning. The sun was trying to rise and break through the dark clouds that suffocated it. Leo let himself laugh coolly as he thought of himself in a similar situation. Then Leo frowned slightly. If the sun was rising, then that would mean his family would be rising, practice would be starting, and he was not there.

Leo felt a slight pang of guilt at staying out all night, and another at not returning for practice. But he could not go home, not yet. The pain of the night before was still too real for him to deal with. He knew he would be punished, that Sensei would be angry, and worst of all disappointed, but none of these things changed Leo's resolve to stay away. He had to get his thoughts in order and gain control once again before showing his face in that hateful lair.

Another crack of thunder reminded him that his stake out on the roof was no longer safe, and he stood, trying to think of a safe place of shelter to last him the day. He couldn't go to April's, or Casey's either. They would just call his brothers, and he couldn't see them yet. He took a deep breath, feeling a strong pang of loneliness. He was a turtle with no where to go.

* * *

The day had passed with no signs of Leo. Splinter had questioned the location of his eldest son when he did not show up for practice. The other three turtles held tight frowns on their faces, not able to mask their worry. All had been sure that this would have passed and Leo would be back by now, but it wasn't so. They had explained quietly what had transpired the night before. The patrol, the thugs, the disregard for Leo's thoughts on the issue, the battle, and finally the argument. Splinter listened to the explanation with a deep frown. Leo had not returned yet, this obviously meant his soul had been wounded deeply.

The three remaining students stood and awaited their master's response. The silent rat stroked his whiskers in contemplation, then finally spoke. "Practice will continue as usual. Leo will return when he is ready." was all that he said.

That was hours ago. Now it was late evening and there was still no sign of their brother. They had tried calling his shell cell multiple times, but there had been no answer. Worry began to slowly etch its way into their hearts as each minute ticked by with no sign or word from Leo.

Donny had been very quiet for the whole day, locked in his lab, continuously looking at the clock and jumping at every sound that even resembled the door. Mikey had been subdued, minimal jokes or pranks had been played that day, which further spelled out the seriousness of the situation. Raph was almost intolerable with his repetitive pacing around the lair, becoming more and more agitated as each hour passed. He had begged Splinter on multiple occasions through the day to allow him to go after Leo, but Splinter had not allowed it, saying Leo needed time to sort out his thoughts.

But even the old rat began to become worried as evening came and there was still no word. Finally as the hours ticked into early night, Splinter gave in and allowed his boys to search for their missing brother. As he watched his three younger boys leave the lair, he couldn't help but shiver as a feeling of foreboding overcame him.

* * *

Leo looked out over the dark city with solemn eyes. He had watched the stormy day pass by while taking shelter in a small abandoned apartment building. As the thunder and lightening which had persisted through the day began to slow, Leo once again felt the urge to be close to the sky. He knew it was still raining, but he almost welcomed the feeling of the raindrops running over his skin, washing away the strain he had felt through the day as he sat perched once again on the rooftop that he had abandoned that morning.

His shell cell had rung multiple times throughout the day. He didn't know what they wanted. Maybe they were worried about him? Leo shook his head, realizing that couldn't be true. As he had sat meditating in the old apartment building, he had found no peace. He mulled over the things that had been said over the years, and the things that hadn't been said. He was always the brother on the outside, rarely accepted into the activities his other brother's participated in. Sure they would invite him to watch movies sometimes, or go out for pizza, but when it came down it, he was the one that was always forgotten about, always left out. He had always brushed it off, knowing his brothers probably thought of him as a stick in the mud. And so he never showed that every missed invitation to a video game stand off, or every time he ended up being the butt of a joke, hurt him a little inside.

He had known for a long time that they didn't understand him. They didn't understand that everything he did that they hated, every activity that was done that pushed them farther way, he was doing for them. He pushed them to practice because he wanted them to be able to protect themselves. He worried and nagged because he couldn't live with himself if one of them got hurt. His family was his life, why couldn't they understand?

Leo took a deep breath, once again feeling his chest painfully constrict. He swallowed back a lump in his throat and peered once again over the building. He watched the rain drops that were dripping off his nose with morbid fascination as they fell and disappeared into the black night. How easy it would be to end the pain and suffering, allow himself to fall like a rain drop and disappear. His family had finally shown their feelings for him, they didn't need him anymore, and if they were his life, then what did he have to live for?

Leo found himself leaning even farther over the building, starting to imagine what it would be like to soar through the sky, to feel the wind kiss his face before it all ended. A sad smile crossed his face as he imagined feeling no more pain. No more angering Raph, no more bothering Donny, no more scolding Mikey, no more disappointing his Sensei, and no more feeling a deep sense of loss that seemed to grow larger each passing day. Before Leo knew it he had stepped to the edge of the roof, his toes over the side, his eyes closed. It would just take one step, one step to end the pain and be reunited with happiness.

A beeping brought Leo from his silent reverie. His eyes snapped open and he glared at his shell cell that was emitting the sound from the side of his belt. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He was about to ignore it, turn off the phone, and turn back to the roof when he realized the phone wasn't making the normal ringing sound it had been earlier in the day. He took the cell from his belt and looked closer at the blinking light that was emitting the beep. SOS. It was the distress signal Donny had programmed into the phone in case of an emergency. A sick feeling settled in his stomach as he realized one, or all of his brothers could be in trouble.

He turned back to the edge of the roof and looked over one last time with a heavy sigh. Then without another thought, he turned back to the phone and turned on the tracking device. His brothers may hate him, but he still loved them dearly, and he would never let harm come to them. He pushed the dark thoughts of the roof edge out of his mind and took off across the rooftops, through the thick rain, in the direction of the SOS.


	3. Traps

Raph moved quickly to block another attack from the never ending parade of Purple Dragons who bombarded him and his brothers. He quickly dispatched the fool that had come at him head on, turning and elbowing another sneaking up from behind. He took a quick breath and looked around. Donny was in the far corner, holding his own, and Mikey, well, as Mikey bashed the face in of a young thug running for an attack with a loud whoop, Raph realized he didn't need to worry about Mikey.

"Whoo! Raph, you didn't tell us we were going to a party!" Mikey yelled, jumping swiftly in the air, his foot connecting with another dragon. "If I would have known I would have picked a different outfit!"

"Next time you plan a surprise party, Raph, don't!" Don countered, weilding his bow expertly into the stomach of another gang member. "I hate surprises!"

"Hey, don't blame a guy for trying to show you a good time!" Raph answered back, dispatching his next threat.

They had been out for no more than an hour, trying to track down their older brother who had yet to return home. Donny had kept trying to track Leo's shell cell, but with no avail. Either Leo was out of signal or he didn't want to be found. The first place they had looked was April and Casey's, both of which informed them they hadn't heard word from Leo. After that the brothers didn't know where to start.

They moved from roof to roof looking for any sign of Leo, when they had seen the gang below, flooding into a building, probably looking to start some trouble. Raph, though he wanted to keep looking for his brother, knew they couldn't just stand by and watch the Purple Dragon's reek havoc. Being the next oldest, he took charge, deciding they would climb the fire escape and head off the gang from floors above.

Thing had looked good at first. Sure they were slightly outnumbered, but these were just Purple Dragons. But it didn't take long for Raph to realize he had walked him and his brothers straight into a trap. Once battle had been engaged, more and more Purple Dragons began to flood in from floors above, and floors below. It looked as though the entire gang had shown up for the party. Raph had cursed, trying to find a way to retreat, but the exits had been blocked. He knew they would need help, and quickly grabbed his phone and pressed the SOS, hoping that Leo would get the signal and come to their aid.

"Man, these guys just keep on coming!" Mikey continued.

"We've got to be breaking some kind of fire code here." Don said, backing his shell up to Mikey's.

"Well, you know Raph." Mikey started, pausing to bust a in the knee. "He never follows the rules."

"Watch it Mikey." Raph growled lightly.

The battle was quickly becoming overwhelming, and Raph knew he and his brothers wouldn't be able to hold up much longer. He could see the wariness in his brother's moves becoming more evident, and he knew he needed to get some of these guys away from them. He looked to his side and saw a staircase that seemed unguarded and ran his way over to it, hoping the Purple Dragons would follow. He whistled loudly, seeing many of the gang turn their heads.

"Over here you shit for brains!" Raph yelled, trying to lure some of the gang members to him, giving his brothers a quick reprieve. When he saw numerous were following, he turned and ran up the stairs. 'Come on you assholes' he thought slyly. 'Come and get old Raphie.' He raced his way to the top and threw the door open, and gulped. More purple dragons were waiting at the top of the stairs, and more were following him up. Raph knew he was in trouble, but that thought only flashed for a second before he leapt out of the stairwell, sais flashing, a growl emitting from his throat. As he engaged the first gang member he met, he hoped Leo was on his way.

He quickly dispatched the first and moved to the second, kicking out and catching the thug in the chest before turning and moving to the third. Every time he took one member out, there was another in his place. Raph was quickly becoming surrounded and overwhelmed. He was panting hard as he took on the next and the next. Raph felt a presence behind him and quickly turned to punch the kid in the face but didn't turn quick enough to block the next blow from two thugs behind him. His whole world spun as the thug's pipe connected with the side of his head.

That slight falter was all the rest of the gang needed to quickly overcome the tired and dizzy turtle and drive him to the ground. Raph was quickly disarmed, suffocating under the weight of the gang members who were holding him down. Suddenly some of the members backed off and Raph looked up, finding a blade pointing down at his neck. Fear flashed in his eyes, but only for a second as he met his steely gaze to who he recognized as the new leader of the gang. Snake was what they called him. The man was huge, at least 6 and a half feet. He was largely built with long greasy hair and cold brown eyes. He glared down at the turtle in red.

"Well, well, what do we have here? A disarmed freak at my mercy." The head Dragon drawled out, a smile playing on his lips. "You will be the first one to go, your brothers won't be far behind." Raph growled and struggled against the thugs that were holding him down, but was met with the blade being held closer to his neck, the point biting slightly into his skin. "Aren't you going to beg for your life?" The man asked, amusement playing on his face.

Raph narrowed his eyes at the audacity of this asshole. Then Raph let a small smile play on his lips, and in a second he spit square into the eye of the head prick. "Fuck off." He growled.

Snake wiped the spit from his face, rage playing on his features. "You are going to die now, freak! You and your whole family!" He then raised the blade, and Raph waited for the strike.

But the blow never came. There was suddenly the sound of metal on metal, and Raph jerked his head up in surprise and saw his oldest brother towering over him, swords crossed holding the killing blow at bay, anger in his eyes like Raph had never seen before. Raph felt new hope, one at seeing his brother was ok, and two, knowing his brother was here and was going to kick this guys ass.

The gang leader quickly pulled his blade away, allowing Leo to step in front of his brother protectively, swords held ready for attack. "Let him go," Leo said flatly, his gaze never leaving the face of the gang leader.

"So here is the fourth. We were wondering where you were." Snake said, sizing up the angry and protective turtle in front of him. "I was disappointed when I realized you weren't here. I've heard many stories about the blue one, from dragons before me, and I had wanted to kill you myself," his face twisted into a sneer, "and it looks like now I get my chance." The man stood in front of Leo, another unnerving smile gracing his face. "I'll tell you what. We will fight, and if you win I'll let your brothers go, but if you lose…well I'm sure you can guess." The man said, a glint in his eye.

Raph didn't like this one bit. He and his brothers didn't know much at all about this new leader of the gang who had taken over after Hun's sudden disappearance a year before. But what Raph did know, he didn't like. The guy was known to be ruthless, and Raph was very uneasy.

Raph watched as Leo looked around him, sizing up the numbers of Purple Dragons. Based on shear numbers, he knew there wasn't any way Leo could dispatch enough members to get to Raph before action would be taken against him. Leo glanced back at Raph with an unreadable expression, then turned back to Snake. As Raph observed them both, he felt confident this could be a quick fight. The man was much larger than Leo, but size wasn't all that mattered. Watching Leo's body posture suddenly straighten again into a defensive position, Raph could assume Leo came to the same conclusions.

"Deal." Leo spat out, raising his swords.

Raph clenched his teeth as the gang leader attacked first, coming at Leo quickly with his swords raised. Leo easily dodged the attack, landing a swift kick to the man's unprotected stomach. Snake let out a growl, then came at him again. Leo put up his blades, blocking the slash of the large man's blade and parrying out of the way. Raph let out an amused laugh, his brother was making the guy look like a chump. Snake turned and was met with another quick punch to his face, knocking the man across the room. Leo was quickly on top of him, his swords drawn, but the man managed to block the angry turtle's onslaught, pushing him back and regaining his footing. Leo backed up, once again raising his swords in a defensive position, waiting for the man to attack him first. It didn't take long and soon the gang leader was running at him with a ferocious growl, sword raised. Leo let a slight smile cross his face, then quickly moved to the side, dodging the punk's attack, and giving one of his own. He knocked the man down with a swift kick, and was quickly on top of him, swords at the man's neck. Raph cheered silently as he saw his brother easily win the match.

"You lost." Leo said with a cool voice.

"No, you lost" the man spit with anger. Raph let out a surprised cry as he felt a deep bite of sharp steel once again up to his neck. Leo's face, as he watched, was plastered with an expression of worry and rage. "Put your swords down or I kill him now."

Leo's body was trembling as he felt anger he never felt before. Every muscle in his body became tense and his hands clenched the hilts of his katanas with extreme force. He looked over at Raph, trying to express his apologies for everything through his eyes. He was sorry he pushed Raph away, sorry he couldn't get to him, sorry he failed. Leo then looked back to the gang leader, who had a smile Leo wanted to maul off his face. But he knew he couldn't. Slowly Leo stood and, with only a moments hesitation, let his katanas fall to the ground.

Raph watched in horror as his brother dropped his weapons to the ground. He struggled against the men holding him, but felt the blade to his neck bite his skin. The leader, Snake, got to his feet and walked over to Leo, circling his now weaponless brother. Raph let out a growl of rage as the man suddenly let his fist connect with Leo's face. Leo was knocked slightly off balance, then fell to the ground when a kick was landed square to his plastron. Leo wiped the blood from his face and pushed himself back up, anger written in his features. He almost came after the man again, but one signal from the leader and he saw the gang members once again put the sword to Raph, and could do nothing but stop dead in his tracks.

Leo couldn't believe this was how it was going to be. This man was going to beat him up, and if he fought back, his brother would die. The dishonor in it all made him sick to his stomach. Leo didn't have much longer to dwell on it as another blow connected with his head, and another to his side, knocking him once again to the ground. Leo was about to push himself up but another kick to his carapace pushed him back to the ground. Leo slowly felt the anger drain out of him as he felt another blow, and another, and another. As he lay there, disoriented on the floor, he saw his brother was still alive as he struggled against his captors. Maybe this is what was needed to buy them more time until help arrived. He could hear struggles going on below and knew his other brothers must be down there, holding their own, if he could distract this punk long enough, he may buy his brothers enough time to help Raph, if not him.

"You aren't so tough," Snake sneered, circling the battered turtle. "The way to win battles is to know your enemy's weakness. Well, yours was easy. You love your brothers, and that love will be your downfall. You could have defeated me, but now, you will die…"

Another swift kick knocked Leo against the far wall, his body propped up against the old brick. His head was spinning and his body ached from the dishonoring blows he was receiving. He watched warily as the man approached him, holding one of his own katanas in his hands.

"These are lovely blades." Snake sneered. He then looked at the battered turtle in front of him. Before Leo could react, the man raised the blade and brought it down into Leo's shoulder. Leo bit back a cry of pain as he felt the metal twist in his skin. He could already feel the sticky warm blood begin to run down his arm and his plastron. He opened his eyes and was face to face with the smug face of Snake, glaring down at him. "How does it feel to be stabbed by your own katana?" he spat out at Leo.

Leo took a deep shuddering breath and closed his eyes. "Why don't you tell me," he pushed out, then with speed quicker than even he expected, he drew the katana out of his own wound and stabbed it into the unsuspecting body of Snake.

* * *

Raph watched in horror as the Purple Dragon beat the hell out of his oldest brother. He struggled and lashed out but was continually reminded that there was only a fraction of a distance between him and death. He shouted as he saw the man land a square kick to Leo's plastron, sending him back against the wall, looking dazed.

But the most horrific thing of all was when he saw the dirt bag pick up one of his brother's own blades and stab it into his shoulder. Raph let out a scream of rage as he saw the pain cross his brother's face and the blood begin to flow freely from the wound. He struggled even harder than ever against his captors but was met quickly with a blow to the head, causing his world to spin. Raph looked back up just in time to see Leo suddenly pull out his own blade from the wound and stab the man before him with it. Raph cheered in his head with relief and watched as the man stumbled backwards, emitting a surprised cry of pain.

But the relief didn't last long. He watched as the man pulled the blade out of his body and stumbled over to his injured brother. He could see Leo was weakening, from blood loss, beatings, or both, he couldn't tell. The man suddenly lashed out and grabbed Leo around his neck, lifting him from the ground with one hand. Raph watched as Leo grabbed at the man's arm, trying to get him to let go, but was too weak. The man stumbled again, but still held Leo firmly in his grasp. Leo's face was turning red as he fought and gasped for the air he desperately needed.

Raph could see the rest of the burly man's body was weakening from the injury Leo had dealt him, and as he stumbled forward, he didn't see the blood slick sword lying in front of him. The man tripped over the blade and lurched forward, and Raph could do nothing but watch and scream in horror as the man, still holding his brother, went crashing out the window, swallowed up by the cold rainy night.


	4. Dark Streets

Thanks again everyone for the great reviews! It's very encouraging! And now, on with chapter 4.

* * *

The entire world froze as Raph watched the scene unfold. Where the eldest had once been, there was nothing but space and broken glass. The howl of the gusty wet wind was the only sound echoing through his head as his body began to shake. His leader, his brother was dead. A rage and grief like he had never known before consumed him and he let out a strangled cry, suddenly lashing out at the men holding him down, who were caught off guard, distracted by the recent event that had just unfolded. Raph charged at them with rage, one after another fell to his blades.

The rest of the gang, now disorganized from the loss of their boss, and terrified of this new fury they unleashed began to retreat, scrambling back to whatever hole they crawled from. The fight was over as quickly and suddenly as it had started. Raph looked around him for the next person to fight, his anger blazing in him like a hot, inextinguishable fire. No one was left. The cowards had run.

Raph, left with no one but himself, went numb, taking deep shuddering breaths, his sais dropping limply to his sides. He didn't even hear his two exhausted brothers come up on either side of him, asking if he was ok. His world was spinning, he couldn't remember where he was, all he could remember was red hot rage. Then it hit him with a sickening blow.

"Leo…" he managed numbly, stumbling to the broken window.

"What is he talking about?" Mikey asked, looking at Don with confusion. Leo hadn't been here. They still needed to find him. But Don wasn't paying attention. He was staring at the ground, at the discarded, blood soaked katana lying only a few short feet away. He then let his eyes wander to the shattered window Raph was stumbling to.

"No…" he whispered. He then ran to the window along with Raph and looked out, but saw nothing through the black rainy night. Mikey wasn't far behind, the events that had transpired finally sinking in with him too. "Come on, we have to get down there!" Don shouted, snapping Raph out of his horror filled trance. The three rushed down the stairs of the building with speed they didn't know they were still capable of. As they exited the building and ran down the dark ally, they all were holding their breaths in fear.

The brothers reached the spot where the bodies had fallen and gasped. In front of them was the dead body of Snake, his eyes staring without seeing up at the sky, his neck turned at a funny angle. But that wasn't what they were concerned about. Behind him, in a pile of trash, laid their brother, who was unmoving.

Don was the first to act, rushing to their brother's side. He pulled Leo's body toward him and cradling his brother to his chest, he quickly and fearfully felt for a pulse. Raph and Mike stood behind him in disbelief, able to do nothing but stare at their purple clad brother's attempts to find life.

"I feel a pulse…" Donny whispered, relief welling in his heart. "I feel a pulse!" He then noticed the small pained breaths that Leo's body was working hard to produce. "He's alive. Oh thank God, he's alive!"

At hearing this Raph and Mikey rushed over to Don's side. Raph laid his hand on his oldest brother's forehead, trying to convince himself that the still and broken form was actually still alive. His skin was cold and seemed to be turning paler by the moment. He looked wide eyed at Don, who he saw trying to apply pressure to the gaping stab wound in their brother's shoulder. "We have to get him back to the lair." Raph said quickly. "We have to get him help."

Don didn't say anything, but Raph saw his eyes quickly scanning his brother's body, adding up the injuries that he had sustained. The stricken face of his smartest brother caused Raph's stomach to lurch. This wasn't going to be good.

"He's losing blood too fast. He has a bad head injury, he has broken bones, his shell…I don't know if I have the supplies at home to take care of his injuries. He needs serious help guys." Don said quietly. "And he needs it fast."

Raph swallowed the lump in his throat as cold fear began to wind its way around his heart. "We have to do something!" he yelled, panic starting to set in. "He's dying!" He heard Mikey draw in a sharp breath at these words, but he didn't care. Why wasn't Don doing something!?

Don's face suddenly became resolute. "Mikey, keep pressure on his wound. Do not let up. We have to keep the bleeding to a minimum. Raph, try to keep him warm and try to stay calm." Once Mike took over, Don got up and pulled out his shell cell. Raph watched as his brother paced back and forth across the alley with the cell to his ear. "April??" He said, trying to keep panic out of his voice, but failing miserably. "April it's Don. We need help…we need help badly. I don't have time to explain, but you said you knew a vet once, a friend of yours??"

Raph looked up in alarm. "We can't take him to…" But Don held up his hand sternly, trying to silence his brother.

"Yeah, yeah we need a doctor quickly, one that is explicitly trustworthy." Raph watched as Don talked to April, his mouth hanging open. He looked at Mikey who seemed lost, staring at their injured brother's face as if willing him to suddenly heal.

"Great, thank you April. Thank you." Don heaved into the phone. He quickly sheathed his phone and turned. "We have to get Leo to Central Park, quickly."

"Central Park!?" Raph yelled, incredulous. "What is going on Don? What is this about a doctor?"

Don put his hand up between his closed eyes as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He took a deep breath trying to will his fears away so he could stay calm. "Leo is hurt really badly guys." Don said softly. "Badly enough that I don't think I have the equipment or the full skill to heal him. If he has a chance of surviving we need to get him help, professional help. April told me once that she was good friends with a vet that worked at the Central Park Zoo. She said that she was sure her friend would meet us at the zoo clinic to help."

"But…how can we know we can trust this doctor?" Raph asked, his voice growing more panicked. "We are large talking turtles, how can we be sure this lady isn't going to harm Leo further, or rat us out?"

"I can't be sure." Said Don, his voice growing softer. "But if April trusts her, then I trust her, and she may be Leo's only shot. Now are we going to sit around here and waste more of his precious time, or are we going to move?"

That seemed to silence Raph. Don moved quickly back to Leo's side and breathed in sharply as he saw how much paler Leo had grown in those few short moments. He was losing blood fast, despite Mike's attempts to staunch it. He quickly took the cloth from Mikey's hands and began to tightly wrap it around Leo's shoulder to keep pressure on it while they moved him. Mikey numbly moved away as Don once again took over, still silent, his hands shaking slightly, sticky with his brother's blood. Don knew Mikey was terrified, he never did well when one of his brothers got hurt, but Don had no time for reassuring words, as he couldn't even find any for himself.

Don leaned back over Leo, trying to control the panicked tears that were threating to spill over his eyes. "Hang on bro," he whispered shakily, "please hang on."

* * *

I decided that in this story I was going to add a character. The vet profession is near and dear to my heart and so with some deliberation I decided to include it to some extent in my story. That character will be making an appearance next time and I'll be interested to see if everyone approves. Thanks again guys for the great reviews so far. 


	5. New Allies

Here's the latest chapter of my story. The new character I introduce will only be playing a minor part in the story as a whole. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

April paced back and forth outside of the Central Park Zoo clinic, her face contorted in a worried expression. Her fire red hair blew lightly in the wind as she waited for her good friend, Dr. Sarah Smith, to appear, as well as the turtles, who had also still not appeared. Her stomach did another worried flip as she thought back to the panicked, shaky voice of Don on the other end of the phone. She could see the blood on his face, the terror in his eyes as she spoke to him over the phone. Something terrible had happened, though he didn't specify over the phone what it was. She had immediately done what he asked and called Sarah, telling her that friends very close to her had an emergency, and asked if she could meet her and them at the zoo clinic to help. Sarah had immediately agreed, as April knew she would, telling her she would meet them there as quickly as she could.

April still didn't know what she was going to tell Sarah. How was she going to explain that the friends she had spoke of were four giant talking mutant turtles. April rung her hands together nervously, unconsciously chewing on her bottom lip.

She looked up and saw headlights drawing closer to the building. As the yellow beams grew closer she recognized them as the lights from Sarah's silver SUV. She watched as the car pulled up and her friend stepped out. Her long blond hair was pulled in a haphazard ponytail on her head, her slim body was dressed in a pair of heavily wrinkled light blue scrubs that looked as though they were picked up off the floor in a great hurry and thrown on without much thought. Sarah absent mindedly rubbed her sleepy blue eyes and stifled a yawn as she made her way over to April.

"Are your friends here yet?" she asked quickly, looking around.

"No, not yet." April said, worry obvious in her voice. "Listen, Sarah, you trust me right?"

"Of course I do." Sarah said, yawning slightly again, still looking around for the appearance of April's friends.

"And I can trust you." April said again, her voice still etched with nervousness.

"Of course." Sarah said again, but her eyes were now facing April questioningly. "April, what is going on?"

"Well, it's my friends." April started, once again nervously ringing her hands. "They are very different. And I need you to swear that when they come, when you see them, that you will not tell a sole about them, and that you will not be afraid of them, and that you will help them."

Sarah was now staring at April with an unreadable expression on her face. "April, you know you can trust me, and of course I'll help them, and if you need secrecy, I'll always keep your secrets. But you have me really confused and concerned. What is it that I should be expecting here?"

But April didn't answer. There was suddenly a soft whistling sound from around the side of the building and April was now looking in that direction, her lips drawn into a tight line. Sarah watched as April walked a few steps closer to where the sound had come, craning her neck.

"Guys?" Sarah heard her say. "Guys, if your there, it's safe." There was sudden rustling from the side of the building, and Sarah stood very still, squinting her eyes in the night, trying to spy April's friends.

Suddenly a form emerged from the shadows of the building. He looked to be average height, and well built, and carrying something on his back. She silently watched as the person quickly approached April, coming closer to the soft glow of light emitting from the posts in front of the clinic. As the form finally stepped into the light, Sarah found herself gasping, bringing her hand up over her mouth, as she finally got a good look at April's friend in the light. It seemed to be a giant turtle, standing no more than five feet away from her. It looked at her in response to the gasp, a nervous and unsure look on its face. Sarah wasn't sure what to do. She felt she could scream, but couldn't bring herself to make a sound as she watched the figure turn uneasily back to April.

"Is she going to help us?" it asked in a soft voice. My God, it spoke. This was the most incredible thing Sarah had ever seen. "Can we trust her?"

April looked over at Sarah, pleading with her eyes for Sarah to contain herself, but knowing how terrified her friend must be. She herself remembered her first encounter with the mutant turtles, her feelings of terror and confusion as she realized what they were. But she had gotten past that fear and realized what amazing beings they were, and she hoped that Sarah could do the same.

Sarah seemed frozen in shock, her hand still over her mouth, her eyes never leaving the large turtle in front of her. She could see it wore a purple bandana and had a large stick stored in the belt it wore. She finally brought her hand down and took a deep breath, trying to contain herself, and remembering the promise she had made to April a few moments before.

"Yes, you can trust me." She said in a soft, shaky voice that she barely recognized as her own. The large turtle nodded then turned back to the shadows from where he had emerged and let out another soft whistle. She watched, breathless, as two more figures emerged cautiously from the shadows. They seemed to be carrying another between them. She watched as they also came closer to the light, and saw two more large turtles, one with a red bandana, and one with an orange, carrying a fourth turtle between them who seemed to be badly injured.

"Oh Leo!" April gasped, running over to the turtle being carried. "What happened!?"

"It's a long story." The purple one said quickly. "We were attacked and Leo was badly injured. He needs serious help fast." He then looked at Sarah, who was still breathing hard, trying to gain control of her nerves. "Please help him. He is fading fast. Please," he begged.

Sarah took a deep breath, once again trying to calm her nerves. "Of course," she breathed. "Quickly, let's get him into the clinic." She rushed over to the door and unlocked it, leading April and the four turtles into the dark building and down hallways that she knew by heart to the treatment room. She silently tried to compose herself, quickly switching on the lights of the treatment area. Light slowly flickered to life in the room, revealing a large open space. Two stainless steel tables were positioned in the middle of the room. The walls were covered in cabinets filled with medical supplies and restraint devices. Without looking at the others, she hurried over to a cabinet and pulled a large blanket out, covering one of the tables with it.

"Lay him on the table," she said, rushing off to find her stethoscope. She had no idea how she would help these creatures. They seemed to be mostly like turtles in appearance and hopefully in anatomy as well, however, similar to humans in mannerisms among other things. She decided to worry about that once she examined him, and went back to the table where she saw the red and orange ones carefully laying down the injured one, which she now saw was wearing blue, although it was hard to tell, the bandana was soaked with blood. Sarah swallowed thickly, finally getting a good look at the turtle's injuries, her heart falling slightly. She laid her hand on the jugular vein, feeling for a pulse, which she found to be fast and weak.

"His heart rate is really fast" she heard, and looked up to find the purple turtle talking to her, also with his hand on the blue one, feeling a pulse. "And his respirations are really fast and shallow. He's lost a lot of blood. I tried my best to keep his blood loss to a minimum, but based on the quick heart rate and respiratory rate, and his pale skin and mucous membranes, I think he's in hypovolemic shock."

Sarah once again was speechless. Not only was this turtle talking, but he knew medicine. He was highly intelligent. She measured the respiratory rate and found that the purple turtle was right. Looking at the mucous membranes, she noticed how pale they were. My God, he was right again. The blue one was in hypovolemic shock, which wasn't surprising considering the amount of blood spattered on both his and the other's bodies. Swallowing hard and recovering from her shock at the situation, she looked back at the purple one. "Your right," she acknowledged. "He needs fluids fast, and possibly a blood transfusion. Get into that cabinet over there and grab a bag of fluids, a 22 gage needle, and IV catheter and extension, do you know what those are?." The purple turtle nodded and jumped into action immediately, wrenching open the cabinet door and grabbing all the supplies she specified. As she watched him gather all of the right supplies, she realized slowly that her mouth was once again hanging open.

"Don is extremely smart." She heard April tell her. "He can help you. He knows a lot about medical stuff." Sarah nodded, and took the bag and catheter that the purple one, now with a name, Don, was handing her.

"The red banded turtle is Raph." April quickly explained, hoping names would take some of the nervousness from Sarah about the large turtles. Raph gave no acknowledgement that he was mentioned. "And the orange banded turtle is Mikey. And Leo," April swallowed hard, looking at the horribly injured turtle in front of her. "Leo is who you are treating." Sarah nodded in response.

Sarah worked feverishly over the injured turtle as precious minutes ticked by, trying her best to keep the weakening body alive, with Don helping in anyway he could. He had lost a lot of blood, probably most of it from the deep stab wound he sustained in his shoulder. His right arm was turned at a funny angle, and his right leg, she could assume from the deep swelling, was also broken. His plastron was cracked on the same side. She was also concerned about his head wound. There were also more minor cuts and bruises that littered his body.

The other two turtles had remained painfully quiet, so quiet in fact that she was beginning to wonder if the purple one, Don, was the only one who could speak. The red one, Raph, had not moved from the other's side as she worked, still grasping his hand tightly. The orange one, Mikey, looked as though he could be sick at any moment, leaning carefully on a close by wall, but never removing his eyes from the scene.

She again turned her attention back to the injured turtle in front of her and gasped when she saw his half lidded eyes staring back. Her gasp grabbed the attention of the other turtles who immediately made it to his side.

"Leo!" Mikey exclaimed, showing more animation and expression than he had since she had laid eyes on him. "Leo, dude, you're awake!"

The blue turtle, Leo now, looked confused and in pain. His breaths were coming faster now, in shallow gasps. He seemed as though he wasn't aware of anyone around him. He tried to say something but it came out as an incomprehensible whisper. She saw the red turtle tighten his grasp on the others hand

"Leo," she heard Don utter softly from next to her. "Leo, can you hear me?" Leo's eyes tried to move toward Don's direction. They looked full of pain and confusion.

"Donny…" he managed through pained gasps.

"Don't you have any pain medicine you can give him?" Don asked with urgency, seeing the pain his brother was feeling reflected in his eyes.

"I've already given him some. I'm afraid more will make his condition worse." Sarah admitted, feeling sorry for the poor turtle.

Don clenched his jaw then looked back at Leo. "Hey bro, it's going to be ok." He said soothingly. It looked as though the red banded turtle was struggling to find words, but none came, and he swallowed hard and looked away, never letting go of the others hand.

Suddenly Leo let out a loud gasp and then a cough. He was struggling to get air, gasping and wheezing desperately as his body struggled.

"He can't breath!" Mikey screamed in horror.

Sarah ran to get the oxygen mask and machine while Don continued to talk soothingly to Leo, trying to get him to breathe easier, but with no success. Suddenly, Leo's eyes began to roll into the back of his head and the gasping stopped.

The room became quiet, but the silence was quickly broken by a terrified cry from Don. "He's not breathing. He's not breathing!!"

Sarah paused in shock, but only for a second. She had quickly grabbed her stethoscope and ran over to listen to his chest. When she heard nothing she didn't pause for a moment knowing the turtle in front of her was slipping away before her eyes. "Don, get me an endotracheal tube and the ventilator, quickly!" Don leapt into action, grabbing the instruments and machine she asked for without hesitation. His hands were shaking with fear as he handed them to her. Sarah quickly opened the turtle's mouth and skillfully placed the endotrach tube, connecting it to the ventilator and programmed it to breath for the failing turtle. There were a few terrifying moments where there was no response, but then the machine took control and Leo's chest began to move rhythmically up and down under the control of the ventilator.

Don let go a breath he had no idea he was holding. April, who was clutching Mikey, let out a relieved sob and wrapped Mikey into a hug, who was already trying to wipe away tears he hadn't realized were flowing. Raph looked weak and exhausted, his whole body was shaking violently.

"Grey's Anatomy was wrong," Mikey said suddenly, shocking them all as his nervous voice broke the tense silence. "You vets _are_ real doctors."

Sarah laughed shakily, glad for a slight break in the extreme tension that had just taken hold of the room. She heard Don sigh beside her and could imagine he had rolled his eyes. The red banded turtle, Raph, didn't make a sound, or even a movement to show he had heard the comment at all.

Sarah took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves then began to examine Leo once more. His heart rate was still fast and weak and the fluids were not helping his color, he was still extremely pale. He was still loosing blood faster than he could replace it.

"He is going to need a blood transfusion." Sarah told Don quickly. "He has lost too much blood and needs some of it replenished if he is going to have a chance at survival."

Don opened his mouth to speak, but was quickly interrupted by Raph. "I'll do it." He said in a gruff, shaky voice, without any hesitation. "I'll give him my blood, however much he needs."

Sarah nodded, slightly surprised by the red turtle's sudden spoken words. "Ok, good." She then quickly gathered the supplies. "Have you ever done this before?" she asked Don. He nodded. "Yeah, yeah I can collect the blood."

"Ok. While you do that I'm going to try and patch up his other wounds." Sarah said. Don nodded and got to work. Sarah grabbed gauze and began to quickly work on the gaping stab wound in Leo's shoulder. She quickly cleaned the wound, trying to minimize the chance of infection then tightly bandaged the area. She then moved to tightly bandage the crack in the turtle's plastron. By the time she was done Don was standing in front of her with a couple of bags of blood, and Raph was sitting against the wall, looking slightly weakened and pale, his arm bandaged. Sarah took the bags and began to infuse them into Leo's veins, giving his body the red blood cells it so desperately needed.

Raph raised himself from his place against the wall, swaying slightly, and managed to get himself back to Leo's side. Don pulled up a chair for him to sit in, then went back to helping the doctor. As the blood was being transfused, Sarah and Don finished bandaging up Leo. She had finished bandaging the cracks in his plastron and had placed casts on both his leg and arm. Don had carefully bandaged the wound on Leo's head.

Once finished, Sarah was able to cast a glance up to the clock for the first time since taking the turtles in. It was almost five in the morning. The zoo and clinic would be opening in a few hours. She bit her lip, trying to think of what she could do with her patient. He was way too unstable to transfer somewhere else, and besides, he had to stay on the ventilator. But she couldn't just leave four mutant turtles in the clinic. Then she thought of it, the store room below the clinic. No one ever used it, it had oxygen hook up, and she would have easy access to check up on Leo whenever needed. It was perfect. She turned and saw the family of four, along with April scattered around the treatment room, all looking exhausted, pained, and worried.

"We are going to have to move him." She finally said. "The clinic will be opening in a few hours and it will no longer be safe."

"What will we do?" Don asked, obviously thinking of the same things she already had. "He'll never survive moving him back home."

"There is a store room below the clinic." Sarah explained. "No one ever uses it. It has oxygen hook up so he can remain on the ventilator. It should be a safe place for you all to stay until he is stable enough to move home."

The three turtles looked at her in shock, apparently surprised that she would allow them to hide out here. She then saw the orange turtle walking up to her, and gasped as he quickly wrapped her into a large hug. "Thank you," he said, his voice shaking. "Thank you for everything." Sarah was speechless, an awkward look plastered on her face as she was squeezed tightly by this large turtle. He finally let go of her. She smiled at him, and slowly regained her composure, smoothing her hair unconsciously, blush hitting her cheeks.

"We haven't told Master Splinter." Don suddenly said. "He has to be worried about us by now. And he'll want to come and stay too, I'm sure."

"Master Splinter?" Sarah asked tentatively.

April smiled at her nervously. "Yeah, he's the one who raised them." Sarah nodded numbly, completely unsure of what to expect.

She saw Don whip out something that looked like a shelled walkie-talkie and quickly dial a number. She took a deep breath. Tonight had been one of the most insane nights of her life, and she could only assume it was just the beginning.


	6. Long Nights

Thanks again for all the great reviews. Here is the next part. I hope you like it.

* * *

Don closed the cell and finally let himself slump into a chair, resting his head warily in his hands. Tonight had been one of the worst nights of his life. His entire body was exhausted and ached from numerous bruises from the fight earlier in the night. But that was the least of it. His oldest brother had almost died right in front of him. Tonight was the closest he and his brothers had ever come to losing another. He had never felt a fear as great as the feeling he felt when he watched his brother's breaths cease. Recalling it even now made Don's breath hitch and caused a lump form in his throat. He knew they needed to get Leo down to the safety of the storage room, and he and his other brothers also had wounds that needed tending, but Don couldn't bring himself to move. His arms and legs felt like lead weights holding him still in his agony. 

A light touch to his shoulder roused him from his dazed thoughts. He looked up and saw April looking at him with worry etched on her delicate features. He tried to grace her with a small smile, but couldn't bring himself to fake it. She squeezed his shoulder, then knelt down next to him.

"Is Splinter coming?" She asked softly.

"Yeah." Don answered, surprised by how shaky his voice sounded. "Yeah he's on his way. I couldn't bring myself to tell him how severe it was over the phone, but by his voice, I think he knew."

"Splinter tends to know more than anyone else." April said. "It wouldn't surprise me if he already felt that something bad had happened."

Don let out a pained laugh. "Yeah, no keeping anything from him." He said, the small joke sounding hollow and empty.

"We have to get him moved soon." April said softly.

Don nodded. He knew that, but he just needed a minute to collect his thoughts and let his body and mind rest before being thrust back into the frightening reality of their situation. He allowed himself to scan the room, seeing both Mikey and Raph sitting next to their injured brother. Mike had barely spoken since finding Leo in the ally. Don knew Mikey was terrified, but he still had not been able to be any comfort to him. Raph, Don knew, was devastated by overwhelming guilt. He could see it in his brother's eyes and manors. Raph had still not let go of Leo's good hand and Don had yet to see Raph move his eyes away from their brother's face.

Don let out another long breath. He was trying to be the strong one in Leo's stead. He knew he would have to be the one that kept it together for the sake of his family. But it was hard, especially with the horrible pain and fear that was eating at his insides. He didn't know what to do, something that didn't happen to him very often. He swallowed hard.

Finally he made himself stand and take control once more. He knew if he didn't push his brothers into action, they would sit there all night, not caring about discovery. He tightened his resolve and walked over to his siblings, laying a hand on Raph's shoulder.

"Splinter is on his way. We have to start moving supplies to the basement." He said, trying to hide the uncertainty in his voice. At first he thought Raph and Mikey didn't hear him, but then Raph nodded weakly, and allowed himself to let go of Leo's hand.

Once Raph and Mikey had moved away from Leo's side, Don and Sarah put them to work, instructing them on the materials, medicines, and other things they would need for Don to continue Leo's care. As the boys and April quietly carried the stuff to what would be their new temporary home, Sarah rechecked Leo's vitals, making sure that he was finally stable, at least for now. Leo's face had already gained back some color and his heart rate had begun to slow thanks to the blood given by Raph. She felt comforted in finally seeing some improvement in his condition, but the poor turtle was far from being out of the woods. She bent down to carefully listen to his lungs and heart.

"Leonardo…" a pained aged voice breathed from behind her. She turned and found herself speechless once again as she saw a large old rat, at least four feet tall and dressed in a deep red kimono, making his way, as quickly as his aged body would allow him, to the injured turtle's side. She found herself taking a few steps back in fear, her mouth hanging open as the rat drew closer, but she realized quickly that he only had eyes for the prone form in front of him, taking no notice of her. She heard movement behind her and saw Don had emerged from the basement. He briskly walked over to the rat.

"Sensei," he said in a soft voice. Behind him Mikey and Raph were also coming from the basement and making their way to the old rat's side.

"What has happened?" the rat whispered, his voice faultering. He moved a clawed hand toward Leo, placing it gently and lovingly atop the turtle's forehead. He had felt that something had gone awry in the night, but never could he have guessed it would be this bad. His son looked as though he was only a few steps from death's door. He lifted his dark eyes to his other son's faces, beckoning them to answer.

Don, once again realizing he would have to stay strong, answered his father. He explained about the search, and about the run in with the Purple Dragons. He could only guess what had happened to Leo since he had not been there, but as Raph did not seem keen to speak on the matter yet, Don tried to fill in the gaps for his father.

Splinter listened silently, allowing his eyes to wander back to his eldest son. It seemed there was a rare part of his body that was not covered in bandages or casts. His green skin was pale and clammy. But worst of all was the ventilator and tube hooked to his son's lungs, indicating his boy could not breathe on his own. Splinter had never seen one of his sons so injured and it pained him deeply.

He looked back at his other sons, and saw Raph quickly look away, unable to meet his gaze. He could feel the deep guilt and anger in his second oldest and made a note to himself to talk with him later. Splinter then heard movement from across the table and looked up, seeing a blonde doctor in blue scrubs for the first time. He had been so focused on his family that he had failed to notice the stranger before. Don seemed to pick up on this, and cleared his throat.

"Sensei, this is Dr. Sarah Smith. She is a friend of April's and the doctor that works here. She has helped keep Leo alive." Splinter eyed her, slightly weary. She gave him a small smile, a slight blush hitting her cheeks due to his intense gaze. Don continued with the introductions. "Sarah this is our Master Splinter. He raised us."

Sarah took a deep breath, once again finding herself speechless. But she overcame her slight fear and held out her hand to him with another small smile. "It's nice to meet you." Splinter reached out his hand tentatively and took hers, shaking it, seeming to decide that she was trustworthy.

"Leo is too unstable to move home, and Sarah has offered the storage basement of her clinic for us to stay in until Leo has a chance to heal further. She assures us it will be safe. We will have plenty of supplies to care for him there, and Sarah and I will be able to help keep up with his care." Don explained, waiting for Splinter's response on the matter. He knew he should have explained all of this to Splinter earlier, but hadn't had the strength to on the phone before.

Splinter was silent for a few moments in thought. He then raised his eyes back to Sarah's, a small smile finally showing itself on his face. "Dr. Smith, it seems my family and I owe you a great thanks for the kindness you have shown us and the help you have provided my son." He said softly. "We will forever be in your debt."

Sarah found herself blushing slightly again from the sincerity she heard in his voice. She returned the smile. "It was no problem at all. I was glad to help."

"It's time for us to move him down to the basement." Don said nervously. "There was an old couch down there that I cleaned up, we can put him on that." Splinter nodded and moved away and allowed his sons to carefully lift his unconscious son's body with the help of the blanket. Sarah and April grabbed the ventilator machine.

"We will have to do this quickly. I will have to unhook him from the oxygen in order to move him." Sarah explained. "Let's get him down there as quickly and carefully as possible." The three brothers nodded, and Sarah undid the oxygen. They rushed their brother down to the basement and carefully laid him down on the old dusty couch that Don had covered with a soft clean sheet. Sarah quickly took the ventilator and plugged it back in, hooking the turtle back up to oxygen. The machine rumbled back to life and seconds later Leo was once again breathing rhythmically.

Splinter scanned the old basement. There was a lot of space, but much of it was filled with large dusty boxes, old medical equipment, and some other pieces of old dusty furniture. He saw an old T.V. in the corner covered in cobwebs and hoped silently that it worked. This place would be a decent place to stay for awhile, but he knew they needed some things from home as well to make the space more comfortable for himself and his sons. He looked back over at the couch where they had placed Leo and saw Don and Sarah bent over him, checking to make sure he was alright after the move. His other two sons were standing next to each other silently, each looked unsure of what to do. Splinter slowly made his way to their sides and placed a soft hand on Mike's. He saw his youngest son jump at the unexpected contact.

"We are going to need things from home if we are going to stay here for any extended period." Splinter explained to them softly. "I will need you boys to go home and gather some things. Blankets, pillows, food, things to keep yourselves occupied."

"No Sensei," Raph suddenly exclaimed. "No, I don't want to leave…"

"Raphael." Splinter spoke, softly, but with firmness that indicated no arguments were to be tolerated. "I need you and Michelangelo to do this for me. Donatello must stay here and tend to your brother. I need you boys to do this. It should not take long and we will not leave Leonardo alone for a moment while you are gone."

Raph looked ready to argue again, but a hard look from Splinter silenced him. "Yes, Sensei." He managed, obviously not happy, but willing to do as his father asked if it meant helping Leo in some way.

"We have about three hours before the clinic opens," April explained, "we can take my van to get there quickly and to load everything up in." She saw Raph and Mike nod, but neither spoke. "Alright, let's get going."

Splinter watched his two boys leave with April, then made his way over to his injured son's side. He took Leo's hand, and blocking out the sounds of movement from Dr. Smith and Don around him, he began to meditate.

* * *

Raph, Mike, and April entered the cold and empty lair about a half hour later. All three stood silently for a few moments until Raph broke the silence, eager to get this over with and get back to Leo as soon as possible. 

"Ok, let's do this quick. Mikey, go start gathering some food to tide us over for now. April, if you could go to Don's lab and get him the things he said he needed. I'll go to the rooms and get the blankets." They all scattered quickly at his instructions.

Raph moved from room to room, gathering blankets and pillows for his brothers and Splinter, and as he came across them also grabbed some books, music, and other things he thought his brother's might want. As he finished up, he began to move the things he gathered out into the main room to join with the piles of things that April and Mikey had also grabbed. It was then he realized he hadn't gone into Leo's room. Maybe bringing blankets and pillows for his brother from his own room would help him feel more comfortable in the strange basement and help with his recovery. Raph was comforted by that thought and made his way down the hall to where his brother usually slept.

He slowly entered the dark room and quickly flipped on the lamp Leo kept as his bedside. The room was illuminated in a soft light and Raph took a look around. Leo's room was always clean and well kept, and this time was no different. Raph smiled slightly. Looking at the normal order of his brother's room, you could almost imagine that everything was ok, that there had never been a fight, that Leo was probably just in the dojo down the hall warming up for the morning workout. But Raph knew that wasn't the case, that his brother was back in a strange basement in a hospital barely grasping onto life. A lump began to form in Raph's throat and he struggled to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall all night. Now was not the time to lose it. He needed to get this stuff together and get back to his brother's side. Raph swallowed hard, then began to gather things from the room. He grabbed his brother's pillow, and a few books for if Leo woke up. 'When,' Raph corrected himself. 'For when Leo wakes up.' He nodded his head resolutely and continued.

He moved to the bed and carefully pulled his brother's blue blankets off the mattress, lifting the mattress to untuck the edges. He almost missed the small glint of gold that reflected the light from the lamp as he lowered the mattress back to the frame. Raph, curious, lifted the mattress once again, and saw a large black book stored deeply under the mattress on which his brother slept. Raph reached under and grabbed the book and examined his find. The book was plain, a thick black binding holding the pages together. The edges of the pages between were flecked with gold, which, Raph thought, must have been what reflected the light. He stared at it for a moment, not sure of what it was. He then allowed himself to open up the front cover. In a neat, flowing writing that Raph recognized as his oldest brother's, the words 'Leo's thoughts' were written across the first page. Raph took a deep breath, realizing what this book was. This was Leo's diary. Raph had never known that Leo had kept a diary. He stood for an unknown amount of time, silently staring at the front cover of the book, curiosity overwhelming his thoughts and a deep desire to read the pages within taking hold.

A sudden movement from behind him caused him to quickly toss the book under the blankets that he had been gathering for Leo. He turned and saw April entering. "Are you about ready to go?" she asked softly. Raph nodded and gathered up Leo's blanket and pillow, the diary still buried within.

He followed April out into the common room, seeing Mikey standing behind a pile of things they had gathered to take with them. In one box he saw Mikey's X-box packed haphazardly among other things. Mikey grinned sheepishly under Raph's exasperated look. "What? Splinter said we needed things to entertain ourselves…"

* * *

April, Mikey, and Raph had managed to get everything loaded into the van in one trip, and with only an hour before the clinic opened, they were rushing back to the clinic as fast as they could go. When they got there, they began to quickly unload everything and carry it down to the basement. 

When Raph made it to the bottom of the stairs, he dropped the supplies in a pile on the floor and rushed over to Leo's side, looking at Don for answers. "Is he ok??" He asked quickly.

Don nodded. "He hasn't changed at all since you left."

Raph let out a loud, exasperated sigh, then, with a loud growl he violently punched a stack of boxes, knocking them noisily to the floor. He sank slowly into a chair and buried his face into his hands, taking deep shuddering breaths, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

Don stood frozen, unsure of what to do in response to Raph's sudden outburst. He looked down at Raph with worry in his eyes, kneeling down by his brother and laying a hand silently on his shoulder.

"He's going to die, isn't he?" Raph sputtered, sounding as though he was close to crying.

"Don't say that Raph, Leo has a chance. You have to have hope that he is strong enough to pull through this." Don said softly.

"But what if he isn't?" Raph asked, looking at Donny with wide eyes. "God, how could I have said what I did. What if those are the last words I ever get to say to him?"

Don suddenly understood where Raph's deep sorrow was coming from. He was deeply worried that he would never have a chance to take back the words he had thrown at Leo the night before. It seemed like forever ago that that fight had taken place. Was it really only last night? Don shook those thoughts and returned his gaze to his brother. "We got Leo breathing again, and you gave Leo blood, it is already helping him get better. We just need to keep up hope. Don't lose hope Raph, and stop blaming yourself." He said softly, hoping that Raph was taking what he had to say to heart.

Raph let out a sigh and quickly wiped at his eyes, then looked over at Splinter, who was in deep meditation over Leo's body. "What is he doing?" He asked Don, changing the subject.

"He's been like that since you left." Don explained tiredly, taking the hint that Raph was done talking about Leo's condition. "I think he's trying to reach Leo's mind through meditation."

Raph nodded, hopeful that Splinter would have luck. He felt a sharp pain in his arm and looked over, glaring at Don who was prodding a large cut on his arm. "What are you doing?" he asked, annoyed.

"Now that you guys are back, we need to see to our own injuries." Don explained. "That looks like a nasty gash on your arm. Not to mention the large welt you have on your head." Raph glared at him and was about to argue that his injuries didn't matter, but Don's sharp look silenced him and he allowed his brainy brother to do what he must. "You need to get cleaned up too," Don added softly after bandaging Raph's arm. Raph looked down and realized for the first time he was covered in blood, Leo's blood. Raph felt bile rise in his throat, and quickly swallowed it down. He looked at Don and Mikey and realized they too were covered in blood that probably wasn't their own. He nodded in acknowledgement, planning on worrying about that later, and watched as Don moved to Mikey to take care of him.

Raph looked over at his sensei who was still in deep meditation. Now would be the perfect time to relocate the diary he had hidden in the blankets. He moved over to them and unwrapped Leo's blanket, once again revealing the unmarked black diary. A feeling of guilt settled in his stomach as he quietly held the book in his hands. Part of him knew this wasn't right, that he should respect his brother's privacy. But another part of him wanted to know what went through his brother's head, a part that wanted to understand his brother better, and that part won out as Raph took the book and slid it into his own blankets without anyone taking notice.

He began to unpack the things that he and Mikey brought over. He took the blanket and pillow he got from Leo's room and carried it over to his brother. He carefully lifted Leo's head and tenderly placed his pillow under, then took the blanket and draped it over his sibling's body, tucking it around him. This movement must have jolted Splinter from his thoughts, for he looked at Raph with bleary eyes as if he just noticed Raph was there.

"When did you boys get back?" he asked, a bit dazed.

"A few minutes ago," Raph answered softly. "Sensei? Did you get through to him?" he asked hopefully. But he was discouraged by Splinter's look of disappointment.

"No," he said softly. "It seems that his mind is shutting me out. But I will keep trying."

Raph nodded, afraid to ask more. He looked over and saw April moving over to him. She then wrapped him in a tender hug. "I have to slip out before clinic employees begin to show up, but I will be back tonight as soon as I can." He didn't answer, but nodded in response, then watched as she quickly made her way up the stairs and disappeared.

It wasn't long before the brothers heard sounds coming from above. It seemed that employees were arriving to start the day. Raph leaned over Leo's prone form, putting his lips close to his brother's ear. "Hang on Leo," he whispered in a voice that was barely audible even to himself. "Please…" He then shakily leaned back and made himself comfortable next to Leo's side.

Today was going to be a long day.


	7. Memories

Thanks again everyone for the great reviews. I've posted the next chapter a little early because I'm going out of town and would rather do it sooner than later. I hope you like it.

* * *

Soft light filtered in the few small windows of the underground basement that had now become a temporary home. Tall stacks of boxes sat against the walls, pushed to the side creating a large open space. Food wrappers, pizza boxes, and varieties of magazines and comic books, littered the floor giving the area a well lived in appearance, even with only two days having past. Illuminated in the white light were two forms lying in a bundle of blankets in the middle of the cleared floor. One was snoring softly, deep in sleep, a comic book draped over his yellow plastron. The other was curled in a ball, a large medical book lying under his arm.

One set of blankets were left abandoned on the floor, the normal occupant having neglected to use them for the night. The third figure was found curled up in a fluffy dusty arm chair that couldn't be less than thirty years old. His eyes were open, rimmed with dark circles giving the appearance that he had not slept well for many nights. His eyes were gazing intently on the fourth figure lying on the couch in front of him. Raph let out a deep sigh and reached his hand over to take the limp one lying near by.

Leo had still not shown any change in condition over the past two days and there were no signs that he would be awakening any time soon. Splinter had been trying multiple times to reach his eldest son through meditation, but again and again was met by failure. Splinter had explained to Raph it was as though Leo's mind didn't want to be reached. There was an invisible wall separating him from the rest. The old rat, who was just recently attempting another round of meditation, now slept lightly in another old chair after another failure to reach his son.

Raph wrenched his eyes from his prone brother to gaze at his two sleeping brothers behind him. He was glad to finally see both of them in a deep sleep. Mikey had been having trouble falling asleep since they had moved down to the strange basement. He claimed it was because he was not used to sleeping on the floor, but everyone knew it was because he was afraid to fall asleep, fearing he could wake up and Leo would be gone. Don, on the other hand, had outright refused to sleep. He was working himself into a frenzy, constantly checking Leo's vitals, changing his bandages, giving him medication, and when he wasn't hovering over his brother, he had his nose buried in one medical book or another, trying to find any form of information that could help further Leo's recovery. Finally, late into the night, Don's body had given into exhaustion and he had fallen asleep.

Raph looked at the clock that Don had mounted on the wall. It was almost six in the morning. That would mean that Dr. Sarah would be coming down soon to check on Leo, and on the rest of them. She had been nothing but helpful these past few days, coming to work more than an hour early every day and leaving hours later than normal every night in order to keep up with Leo's care.

April and Casey had also been in and out often, normally coming at night after the clinic closed, arms full of food and drinks, and stayed with them well into the night until finally leaving to retire to their own apartment.

Raph shifted in his chair, trying to find a more comfortable position. As for him, he hadn't gotten more than an hour, maybe two of sleep since that horrific night. He couldn't bring himself to leave Leo's side, as if him leaving would detach the only lifeline keeping his brother alive. He knew the real lifeline for his brother was the ventilator that he still required to breath. This was known after a terrifying trial where Dr. Sarah had unhooked the ventilator to test his lungs, and he had failed to take his own breaths. Raph sighed again, a familiar feeling of hopelessness taking over. Sarah continuously reminded him that Leo was still weak, that he still had a chance at recovery, but as each day passed with no improvement, Raph found his optimism waning.

Guilt was Raph's constant companion. Every time he looked at Leo's face he was reminded of the last conversation they had, of the words that were exchanged, and of Leo's face before he had left. Raph couldn't stand to think those words would be the last that he would ever say to his older brother. Raph swallowed back yet another large lump that was trying to form in his throat. He felt his eyes burning once again, and tried to swallow back his tears. Raph had still not allowed himself to shed any tears, crying just wasn't something he did.

Running his hands across his eyes to wipe away any remnants of tears, his elbow grazed the object tucked carefully between the chair cushion. He looked down, seeing the spine of the black diary he had stored there. Raph had still not been able to bring himself to read it. He pulled the book out from between the cushions and stared at it again, another war raging within his head over whether he should finally open it. He looked from side to side, seeing his brothers still fast asleep, and his Master who seemed to have fallen deeper into slumber. Raph then took a deep breath and laid the book in his lap, opening the cover and turning the pages until he came to the first entry. Once again he was met with neat, flowing, familiar writing. Raph once again looked side to side, noticing no change in his brothers or master, then began to read.

_5/7/06_

_It's been a long time since I've written in a journal. I can't even remember the __last time. I do remember my first journal, though. I remember when Splinter gave one to all of us for Christmas one year when we were much younger. Each book was clean and unmarred, showing that Master Splinter had bought them new, just for us. I remember my feelings of confusion when I opened it up and found nothing but blank lined pages within. Master Splinter explained to us that journals were full of empty pages to fill with our own thoughts, incites, things that we felt we could share with no other. He told us they were a way to release our inner turmoils, and our deepest thoughts. When I was a kid that meant filling the pages with things like my favorite colors and T.V. shows, and descriptions of the new games that me and Mikey had made up earlier in the day. But as I grew and the pages ran out, I never went out to get a new one. That had suited me just fine, and honestly I had not thought about a journal for a long time. But lately I have been feeling great restlessness. The Shredder has been defeated, which brings me countless relief. My family had been injured badly in the fight, all of which I fear is my fault, but thanks to Don's medical knowledge and the help of friends, I see that they are making full recoveries. It has been three weeks since the final battle, and I can't bring myself to stop recounting every second and find every weakness in myself. I know that I failed them in that battle. Yes, I was the one that made the final strike at the Shredder, but only because I was the only one physically able. My family was injured, and in that I made the biggest failure a leader and older brother can make. I allowed the safety of my family to be compromised. And these are the thoughts that plague me that I can bring myself to share with no other. My family is starting to notice my restlessness, and so I turn now to the blank pages of a journal to try and allow my mind at least temporary freedom from constant doubt. I know I am not the best leader, and I know that I am also not the best big brother, but I can rest in the fact that, now that the Shredder is gone, I can push myself and try not to fail them so severely in the future. I can hear my brother's beginning to awaken. Doubtlessly they will fall into the same routine that has become common place since the final battle. Mikey has been watching more T.V. and playing more videogames than ever. And I can tell his mind is becoming restless as well because the amount of pranks being played on unsuspecting family has been increasing ten fold. Don will retreat to his lab straight after breakfast, and will likely not show his face until close to dinner. And Raph, he has taken to staying in his room for hours at a time, blaring his music and ignoring the rest of us. This vacation from fighting and training is much needed, even I know this. But soon Splinter will want us to begin training again. This is a relief to me, because finally I will have an excuse without their judging stares, to push myself into a better leader and a better protector for them. I will not let them be harmed again, that I swear…_

Raph was pulled from the pages by the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. He quickly shut the book and slipped it once again between the cushions of the old chair. Sarah appeared and gave him a warm smile as she descended quietly, trying to not wake the others that were sleeping around her. Raph watched as she made her way over to Leo's side, moving through the same physical exam that she repeated every morning.

As she performed her exam, Raph allowed himself to think about what he just read and frowned. Leo thought he failed his family during that final battle. Raph couldn't even begin to imagine why. Didn't Leo know it wasn't his fault they had all sustained injuries? He had also mentioned several times that he was not a good leader and even that he was not a good brother. Raph shook his head. Why was Leo being so hard on himself? Leo was the one that lead them into success, and he was the one that managed to lay the killing blow to the Shredder. How could he doubt his abilities? And most importantly, what had they done to make him doubt his success as the role of big brother? Were they really that hard on him? Raph grimaced as a memory of Leo, as clear as day, took hold of his mind.

_Flashback_

_Raph yawned and stretched his achy legs out in front of him and leaned his body sleepily into the back of the couch. The T.V. still glowed softly, the picture now a bright blue signifying the end of the movie that he, Don, and Mikey had been watching not long ago. He must have fallen asleep at some point during it._

_He looked to his left and saw Mikey curled up in the thick chair near by, his mouth hanging open, the occasional snore emitting deeply from his throat. Raph smiled softly, and looked to his right, seeing Don curled up in a tight ball on the other end of the couch, holding a pillow tightly in his arms. _

_These late night movies had become the brothers' new tradition, now that the Shredder was gone and they found themselves with more free time than they knew what to do with. It was nice not having to practice all the time. Raph knew it wouldn't last forever, but the short vacation his sensei had allowed them to recover and rest was much needed. Raph yawned again, getting ready to curl back up and fall asleep, when he heard a soft clang down the hall. _

_He looked at the clock on the VCR. It was two thirty in the morning. Curious, Raph raised himself from the couch and slowly made his way down the hall. He heard another clang, recognizing it now for what it was. It didn't surprise him at all when he saw soft light filtering out of the entrance to the dojo. Raph came upon the room and looked in, immediately seeing his blue clad brother hard at work, sweat glistening on his brow as he fought an unseen opponent. _

_Raph couldn't help but shake his head. Did Leo ever stop? _

"_Hey, Fearless, you do know it's two-thirty in the morning, right?" Raph said flatly, annoyed that his brother was still up practicing._

_Leo never stopped his movements, but Raph didn't miss the slight flinch that passed across Leo's face at the mention of his hated nickname. _

"_Go back to bed Raph." Leo said, his voice unable to hide annoyance. He moved his swords swiftly, deflecting another unseen attack._

"_Not until you do." Raph said, crossing his arms and leaning against the frame of the door. "How long have you been at this? I remember you practicing before we even started the movie. Have you even taken a break?"_

"_It doesn't matter." Leo said distantly, barely paying Raph any attention anymore. He twirled around quickly, bringing his swords down through the air. _

_Raph rolled his eyes and pulled out his sais making his way over to his brother. He suddenly moved the sais, catching Leo's blades within them, stopping his movements. Leo's eyes blazed as he locked the brown orbs on Raph, his mouth drawn tightly. Raph smirked lightly and returned the glare. "If you're gonna fight, at least fight someone real." he growled._

_Leo narrowed his eyes in annoyance, but stepped back, pulling his swords from the trap of Raph's sais, and without a word he raised them defensively and quietly waited for Raph's attack. Raph narrowed his eyes in return and raised his sais. They stared at each other silently, each sizing the other up. Once Raph had had enough, he made his move, coming at Leo swiftly, his sais flashing._

_Leo was quickly able to block the move and fluidly returned to counter, moving his blades toward Raph who quickly blocked them with a loud clang and parried out of the way. He saw Leo clench his teeth and come at him again, Raph met Leo's swords strongly, pushing his brother away and doing a quick flip, landed a swift kick to Leo's plastron._

_Leo let out a soft grunt at the unexpected contact, but rebounded immediately, his katanas once again raised in defense. Raph narrowed his eyes at the ease at which he had been able to make contact with his brother. Normally it took much longer to break through Leo's defenses. Staring at Leo now, waiting for another attack, he noticed the circles under his brother's eyes and his slightly hunched shoulders, and his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. Leo was exhausted._

_He didn't have long to reflect on this as Leo came after him once again, his katanas flashing as they came at Raph. Raph quickly blocked and pushed Leo away, but he quickly came again, kicking out at Raph. Raph easily dodged the blow and rushed Leo again, forcing him to use his swords to block the attack. Raph used this moment to lay another kick to Leo's unprotected abdomen, sending his brother backward and into the far wall. _

_Leo quickly got up to continue the fight, but Raph dropped his sais indicating that he was done. "No more, Leo. It's no fun when it's this easy." Leo frowned deeply, not saying a word, his expression unreadable. Suddenly he lashed out, punching his closed hand into the near wall letting out a throaty cry of frustration. Raph jumped slightly at his brother's outburst._

"_Leo, go to bed," Raph said, a hint of pleading in his voice._

"_No." Leo said stiffly, not taking his eyes off the wall, his swords clenched tightly in his hands. _

"_You know, you're a real piece of work!" Raph yelled, his anger boiling to the surface. "You just have to be better than all of us, don't you? You just can't stand that one of us could surpass you, so you sit here and practice until you make yourself sick. You just love making all of us feel like we are less than you. The All Mighty Leo has to be better than everyone. Are you that pompous? Are you that stupid!?"_

_Leo's muscles tensed and he put his hand out to steady himself on the wall, letting his head lean against it as if he couldn't hold it up under his own power any longer. He let out a deep sigh, but never moved his eyes to look at Raph. _

"_Are you finished?" he asked softly._

"_Yeah," Raph said, malice in his voice. "Forget this!" Raph yelled, throwing his sais to the mat in frustration. "Forget you!"_

_He then stormed out of the room, leaving his brother alone. As he entered his room, he could once again hear clanging coming from the candle lit dojo…_

Raph shook his head at the memory. Suddenly all the hours of endless practice and sparring began to make more sense to Raph. Leo was stuck in an endless struggle for perfection that, do to his own doubts in himself, he would never reach. Raph had always thought Leo was trying to be perfect to outshine the rest of them, to suck up to Splinter, and to be better than the rest of them. He knew Don and Mikey sometimes thought the same things. But after reading the pages of this book Raph realize, with a sick feeling, that they had been wrong. Their brother had been sinking in a pool of his own self doubt, masking it with endless practice, and they had done nothing but criticize him further.

"Have you noticed any changes in him?" Sarah asked, startling Raph out of his thoughts. He whipped his head around to look at her, trying to hide that he had been caught by surprise.

"Uh, no. He's the same." Raph said in a flat voice. It was the same answer they all gave her every morning.

She nodded a few times, her eyes still plastered to Leo. Then she turned and met his gaze. "Your wounds seem to be healing nicely." She said. "You can probably take those bandages off today." She said pointing to his arm where, beneath a deep cut had resided.

"Yeah, I'm fine. They were nothing." Raph said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Ok, then." She said, still eyeing Raph, as if she were trying to read him. Raph averted his gaze from hers, and laid his eyes back on Leo, who still looked pale and weak.

She finally looked away from him and looked around at the sleeping figures around her. "I see they finally made it to sleep." She mentioned, pointing around the room at each form, a small smile on her features.

"Yeah, all of them finally gave in early this morning." Raph explained.

"You need to allow yourself to do the same." Sarah said, in an almost scolding voice. "It looks as though you can barely keep your head up, and those black circles under your eyes make you look as though you were on the losing end of a fight."

Raph laughed softly, and shook his head. Sarah had taken to trying to mother them ever since they had taken up residence here. She was always telling them to get more sleep, checking on their wounds, making sure they eat. She was beginning to remind him of April, and with this thought Raph broke into another amused smile. He then realized he hadn't answered her and she was looking at him with a curious expression. "Yeah, I know, I'll try to get some sleep later." Raph lied, trying to placate the woman's worry. He knew he would not be finding sleep any time soon.

Sarah finally nodded, then turned to make her way back up the stairs to prepare for another long day of work. She turned back as she reached the steps, "I'll be back after work to check on him." She said. Raph gave a knowing nod, and with that she made her way back up the stairs.

Raph watched her go, and once she disappeared and he heard the door click behind him, he moved his hand to pull out the black book again. As he sat holding the book between his hands, he turned his head to once again look at his older brother. The sickly pale features unnerved Raph to the core. He never remembered seeing his brother ever look so weak. He was always the one that took care of them when they were sick, and always stepped up to protect them, even if they didn't want the protecting. Seeing him so weak and helpless caused Raph to feel sick to his stomach. He took a deep breath, then turned back to the book laying in his lap. He flipped the cover open once again and turned to the next entry.

_5/28/06_

_Raph and I got into another fight today. It seems like the fights are beginning to become more frequent and more heated since the Shredder. He is always looking for a reason to question what I say. It's almost as though he is choosing to disagree with me just for the sake of it. But the problem is, I'm finding myself even more willing to rise to him. I know he is baiting me, but for some reason I am unable to control my anger and I face off with him time and time again. The fights we enter into are so trivial. Yesterday he began to prod me because he didn't approve of my choice of music that I was listening to in my own room. Today the fight started over what T.V. show we wanted to watch. Somehow these stupid and meaningless fights turn into shouting matches that seem to rise out of our control. I know it's starting to bother both Don and Mikey. Every time they sense a fight brewing, I can't help but notice they begin to clear the room, moving on to their own things to stay out of the line of fire. I don't know why I rise to him every time. It's almost as though he knows exactly which of my buttons to push and how to push them to send me into complete frustration. The most puzzling thing is why he feels the need to start them. Is he bored and this is his form of entertainment? Does he really feel the way he says he does and this is his frustration at me and my shortcomings rising to the surface? I honestly don't know. I remember a time when Raph and I were not like this. A time when we could sit in the same room civily and joke, talk, and get along. He used to be the brother I felt the closest to, the one that I could relate to the most. But as we got older, we began to grow apart. I'm not sure what I did to cause the drastic change in my brother's and my relationship, but whatever it was, we are both suffering for it now. I wish so much that things would be back to the way we were when we were young, but I fear that that will never happen. I will just have to try and contain my anger better, though it will be hard. Splinter has had a talk with me recently about my more recent angry outbursts. I know he is worried about me, and I notice the worried glances from Don and Mikey as well. I just feel so helpless and useless ever since the final fight. My feelings of inadequacy keep growing, even though I am practicing harder than I ever have before. I fear it will never be enough and I will fail my family again. Maybe that is why I'm so adamant about rising to Raph's jibes. Little does he know that every fight we have his words sink deeper into my insecurities, and begin to bring them to the surface. I don't know, I'm babbling now…_

Raph closed the book with a snap, unable to take his brother's pained words. He remembered when they were kids, and how they would watch cartoons, spar, and wander the sewers, they did almost everything together. He and Leo had practically been inseparable.

_Flashback_

"_You're it!" Raph yelled triumphantly as he tackled young Leo to the floor. The seven year old giggled and wiggled free of his brother's grasp and stood, hands on his hips. _

"_Ha, Leo, you're it now! You gosta catch us now!" Mikey squealed, bobbing up and down on his toes, a large grin plastered on his face._

"_Yeah, and I'm gonna get you!" Leo said, a glint in his eye. The youngest turtle yelped in excitement._

"_Come on Donny, Leo's gonna get us!" Mikey screamed and grabbed his brother's hand. Leo leapt after them with a playful growl and the two jumped backward and ran in opposite directions, laughing as Leo swiped at nothing but air._

"_Man, Mikey, you're getting faster." Leo said smiling._

"_I am, aren't I?" Mikey said happily. "And you'll never catch me!"_

"_Then I'll just have to get slow poke Raph!" Leo said, leaping after his brother in red who stood not far away, laughing at Leo's attempts._

"_Uh huh!" Raph said, dodging Leo's hands. "No tag backs!"_

"_Oh yeah!" Leo said, a playful smirk on his face. "Watch!" He then leapt at Raph who backed up quickly._

"_No way Leo!" Raph laughed and ran out of the room. He took off down the hall as fast as his little legs would carry him. He could hear his brother's soft footsteps and muffled giggles as he followed him down the hall, and in tag desperation leapt into the first room he came to. He realized a second too late that he had entered the room of his sensei, a room that was off limits to little turtles when he was not around._

_Raph's dread quickly turned to childish interest as he looked around the room. The only times he had seen his sensei's room was in dark night after he had had a nightmare. He hadn't seen or cared to see anything at the time as his mind was reeling from the recent bad dreams. But now, his mind alert, he took in his sensei's room with curiosity. It was full of all kinds of neat things._

"_Raph." He heard Leo's urgent voice through the curtain. "Raph, get out of there. It's off limits."_

"_No way, Leo. I'm not fallin for that. You gotta catch me!" Raph yelled, and moved further in the room, his first feelings of rebellion surfacing as he looked around his master's room. _

"_Raph!" Leo yelled to him, but Raph ignored him. He walked over to something bright and shiny. They looked like they could be a pair of swords. _

"_Cool!" Raph exclaimed. He began to reach out to touch them, but stopped as his hand was quickly grabbed by another. He started and turned quickly, met with Leo's disapproving face. _

"_Raph, come on. Master Splinter will be back soon. You'll get in trouble." Leo pleaded, trying to pull his brother back toward the door. _

"_Come on Leo," Raph said casually. "Where is your sense of adventure? Look at all the cool stuff in here!"_

_Leo bit his lower lip and his hands wrung together in front of him nervously as his eyes glanced around the room that before now he had rarely ever had the opportunity to see. Raph walked over to another old looking relic and picked it up. _

"_What do you suppose this is?" Raph asked curiously._

"_Raph, put that down!" Leo said, his voice rising higher in uncertainty._

"_Aw, come on. I'm not gonna hurt nuthin." Raph said, looking closer at the object. It was brightly colored with symbols painted on it that Raph recognized as Japanese from his father's many books. It seemed fragile. Raph stared more intently at it, ideas racing through is mind as to what it could be._

_Leo moved toward Raph, panic beginning to set in. "Come on Raph, just put it down. Let's go back and finish our game." Leo reasoned._

"_Nah, I don't wanna anymore." Raph said backing up. He wasn't watching where he was going, intent on watching his brother and concentrating on cradling the object in his hands. He took a few steps back and roughly bumped into a small table with his carapace. Raph gasped in shock and turned around, seeing a lamp teetering dangerously toward the edge. Fear gripped him and he leapt for the lamp, and as he did the small object he held in his hand was forgotten until there was the sound of shattering glass on the floor._

_Raph felt as though he could vomit. He barely heard Leo's gasp of horror and his footsteps as he approached the scene. Raph dropped to his knees numbly, picking up a small piece of shattered glass and looking at it, feeling dread wash over him. He was dead. _

_Raph felt Leo's hand on his shoulder, it was shaking slightly. "We…we have to get out of here." He said softly. Raph swallowed hard. He looked up at Leo and saw fear and worry in his eyes, but he couldn't bring himself to move._

"_Come on," Leo urged. Raph felt him tug on his shoulders and pull him numbly to his feet and begin to lead him from Splinter's room. Raph vaguely noticed the curtain drawing nearer, indicating they were almost out. Just a little farther. _

"_What are you doing in here?" a soft voice asked. Damn. The two small turtles froze in their place. Raph felt Leo's arm tighten around his shoulders as both of them felt impending doom. Raph slowly lifted his eyes and saw the stern face of his sensei staring down at them. He didn't look happy. He could hear Leo taking deep breaths next to him. Raph felt again that he could vomit._

"_Well?" Splinter said in response to his sons' silence. _

"_Sensei, I…we…" Raph started, his voice trailing off. He swallowed hard as fear began to grip him tighter. Splinter raised his stern eyes from his son and immediately saw the broken object not far behind them. _

"_What happened here?" he asked, making his way over to the broken object. Raph swallowed hard. He was so dead. "Come to me, both of you." Splinter said, unable to hide the anger and disappointment in his voice. Both young turtles slowly shuffled their heavy feet over to their sensei, neither of them able to meet his eye. _

"_Who did this?" Splinter asked, his eyes narrowed. Raph took deep shuddering breaths as panic began to take over._

"_I…" Raph began softly._

"_I did it." Leo said, his voice loud and certain, despite the slight shake in his tone. Raph raised his head quickly and looked at his older brother, his eyes wide. He opened his mouth to say something but couldn't find words._

_Splinter looked at his oldest son, shock written on his features. "Is this true?" he asked, his whiskers twitching in uncertainty. _

"_Yes, sensei." Leo said, looking his master in the eyes. "I came in here because I wanted to borrow that book, you know, the one you were reading to us last night. I wanted to see the pictures again. I saw that thing and thought it was pretty. Raph tried to stop me, but I wanted to touch it and…I knocked it over and it broke. I'm very sorry." Leo finished, his voice soft._

_Raph stood frozen, his mouth hanging open as he stared at his older brother in shock. Leo was trying to take the blame for his mistake. Raph opened his mouth again in protest but was interrupted by Splinter's voice._

"_Leonardo, I am very disappointed in you." Splinter said, his voice soft but stern. Raph watched as Leo averted his eyes from their sensei's, his foot nervously twisting against the floor. _

"_Raphael, leave us." Splinter said, turning to his young son in red. Raph looked at his sensei, his mouth still hanging open in shock._

"_Sensei, I…" Raph started._

"_Raph, just go…" Leo pleaded, looking at his brother with eyes that were beginning to fill with tears._

"_But…" Raph tried again_

"_Raphael." Splinter repeated. "Leave us."_

_Raph stood there, dumbfounded. He finally turned and ran out of the room. He didn't stop running until he got to his own room. He gathered up his favorite stuffed toy and hugged it close to his body, feeling close to tears. Why had Leo done that? Raph sniffled and wiped his damp eyes with the back of his hand. Raph had to know, he had to talk to Leo. He got to his feet and made his way to his brother's room, still holding his toy close for comfort. He entered the empty room and sat on the soft blue blankets and waited until his brother returned. It didn't take long until Raph fell asleep._

_Movement woke him from his light nap and Raph sat up, rubbing his bleary eyes. He looked and saw Leo standing in the doorway watching him warily. His eyes were red as though he had been crying. Raph looked at Leo and swallowed hard, guilt settling in his stomach. _

"_Leo, why did you take the blame?" Raph asked softly. "It was my fault."_

"_You're my best friend." Leo said simply as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. "And more importantly, you are my brother." _

_Raph stood from Leo's bed and looked intently at his oldest brother. Leo gave Raph a hint of a smile. Raph walked up to his brother and wrapped him in a tight hug, sniffling back large guilty tears. _

"_I love you." Raph said as he held his brother. "We'll always be best friends."_

"_I love you too." Leo returned. "And yeah, forever."_

Raph brushed a couple of tears from his face as he recalled the memory, wishing he could take all of it back, every fight, every mean word that he had ever said to Leo. Raph, same as Leo, couldn't pinpoint the moment where things began to shift to the relationship at present. As he grew older, his temper had begun to get worse and worse, and at the beginning his oldest brother was the only one that could calm him. But as he grew more rebellious in his early teenage years, even Leo couldn't control it anymore, and Raph began to lash out at the one who was trying. It only made it worse that Leo was excelling more and more at the art of ninja in ways that Raph only wished he could. Raph's feelings of resentment toward his brother grew, and he found more and more reasons to fight with him. And Leo, who once had been the one to calm him, made his anger worse.

It disturbed him that Leo seemed to blame himself for their present relationship. So typical of Leo. Raph shook his head. He didn't realize that every heated word he exchanged with his brother, Leo took to heart. He hadn't known at the time that he was slowly chipping away at Leo's armor and revealing hidden insecurities that his eldest brother fought hard to conceal. He wished desperately that things could go back to the way they were, when he and Leo had been best friends. Raph heaved a deep sigh and once again buried the tears that had momentarily freed themselves.

He heard his other siblings stirring behind him and knew that further reading would have to wait and once again stored it between the cushions of the chair. He looked back at the expressionless face of his injured leader and wished that there was some way he could reach him, some way he could express how sorry he was.


	8. Signs of Life

The rest of the day passed with with the same monotonous activity that had been commonplace since arriving in the dank basement tomb.

Mikey, once he had awoken and checked on Leo, had planted himself in front of the T.V. that Don had hooked up for him, and had been playing video games ever since. It was the typical reaction of their youngest brother. When reality was becoming too hard to face, he would lose himself into his fantasy world of video games and comic books, a world where he had a semblance of control.

Don had once again taken up his role as medic. His entire day was again filled with nothing but Leo's care. Don was an analytical mind that took comfort in being able to fix things and make them work again. But it was becoming apparent that Leo was going to be no easy fix, not like the microwave that Mikey had blown by testing his exploding peeps theory, or the VCR that Raph had put his sai through one angry night. Donny was becoming more and more desperate to find the problem and mend his broken brother and the strain was beginning to show on his young face.

Raph had only left the large old chair he had taken up vigil in a couple times, both consisted of him pacing wildly up and down the open space of the enclosed basement. The guilt that was still holding him, magnified by the passages read in his brother's diary, was beginning to crush him under its ever increasing weight. Raph's body had felt so heavy from it that at one point he almost imagined the chair below him creaking under the weight.

Splinter had watched all of his sons' activities from his chair with increasing concern for all of them. He could see that this constant worry and fear that their brother could die at any moment was taking a deep toll on each. He could feel the waves of guilt radiating off of each of his son's forms as they went about their day, but none had guilt as strong as his son in red. Raphael seemed to be drowning in his own feelings more and more every day, and Splinter knew he could not avoid confronting his son on this matter any longer.

As the sun set, they heard the familiar voices of April and Casey heading down the basement stairs to visit as was becoming the regular occurrence. All of the residents of the basement looked up, their tired eyes meeting the newcomers.

"April!" Mikey yelled, dropping his game controller and jumping over the back of the chair to greet them. "Man, I'm starving, did you bring any pizza with you?"

April laughed softly at the enthusiastic turtle. "No, not today, I thought we could go out and get something to eat tonight and maybe catch a movie. You guys need to get out of this basement for awhile."

Don looked up from the latest medical manual he was reading and gazed at her uncertainly. "I dunno April, I'd really rather not leave Leo."

"How is he?" She asked, walking over to his side and laying a tender hand on his arm.

"About the same." Don said softly.

"He'll be ok for a couple of hours, guys." Casey said. "You boys need to get out and get some fresh air for a while."

"Yeah, ok, let's do it." Mikey said, not a lot of convincing needed. "Come on dudes." Don still looked unsure.

"Donatello, you should go." Master Splinter said from across the room. "I will stay here with Leonardo. He will not be alone. You need a break, my son."

"But master…" Don started.

"Go on, Donatello." Splinter interrupted. "April and Casey are right. You boys need this. I can see the heavy weight you have been carrying on your shoulders. If you do not relieve it, even for a short while, it will drag you down. If you fall under pressure you will not be able to help you brother. I will stay with him, it will be well."

Don stared at his sensei for a moment, seeming torn.

"Come on guys, come on," Mikey pleaded. He looked at his other brothers with hopeful eyes. Don could see that Mikey definitely needed this. His light hearted and normally vibrant brother was starting to crack under the deep pressure and grief that surrounded their family every day. Even if it was a short reprieve, it would do him good. Don sighed, finally giving in.

"Alright, but only for a couple hours." He said, giving Mikey a small smile. He put down his book and walked toward the stairs. "Come on, Raph, let's go." He said to his silent brother. Raph had not said a word through the whole exchange.

"No, I'm not going." Raph said silently, his mouth drawn into a tight line.

"Come on man, you need this." Casey urged. He walked over and placed a hand on Raph's shoulder. "You can't sit in here and sulk forever."

"I'm not sulking." Raph growled. "This is a serious situation, and I don't feel like I can leave him. Not yet."

"Raph," Casey said, exasperated. "You need to stop beating yourself up about all of this, dude. Splinter is going to stay with Leo. You can come with us and get some fresh air. I think you need it more than anyone."

"No." Raph answered, but with a more definitive tone, baring further argument, never taking his eyes off Leo.

Casey opened his mouth as if to speak again, but finally closed it. He ran a hand through his long dark hair, and shook his head. He looked at April who was shooting him a silent look to drop it. He frowned deeply. "Fine," he answered, irritated. "We'll see you later."

Mikey and Don hung back for a moment, watching Raph with concern. Raph looked up and met their eyes, his eyes narrowed, causing the two others to finally look away and follow April and Casey up through the open basement door. None of them noticed the small shadow that noiselessly pattered in before the door closed.

Raph sighed with exasperation. How could they even think to leave Leo when he is like this. He couldn't imagine going out and eating a normal dinner and seeing a movie like life was fine and dandy, like his brother wasn't lying here dying. Raph narrowed his eyes slightly, feeling a mild anger toward his other brothers for blowing this off, but the anger didn't last. He knew how hard Donny had been working to keep their brother with them, and Mikey had never dealt with pressure well. April was right, they did need it, but he didn't. He needed to be right here with Leo. He sighed again, and looked up, finding dark calculating eyes watching him with much concern. He looked back at his sensei for a moment, but then looked away, unable to meet his intense stare. He knew that look, it was lecture time.

"Raphael," Splinter started.

'Right on cue.' Raph thought bitterly. He didn't need or want a lecture right now. He just wanted to be left alone.

"Raphael," Splinter repeated quietly. "I am worried for you my son."

Raph's head slowly raised, meeting the old rat's eyes.

Splinter took a deep breath, then continued. "You have been drowning in your feelings of deep grief, anger, and guilt for the past few days. I fear for you, my son, I feel it is crushing you under its immense weight."

Raph narrowed his eyes at his master, he knew where this conversation was going. Master Splinter wanted him to talk about his feelings. Raph hated talking about his feelings. "Everyone else has been worried too, Master." He said tersely, trying to take some of the heat off of himself.

"Yes, they have been." Splintered countered, never changing his soft, calm voice. "As have I, every minute of every day, but we are not torturing ourselves every day as I see you doing. I see you doing it right now, right before me. You blame yourself for what has happened to Leonardo, and you are sinking in your deep pool of guilt."

Raph looked away, crossing his arms unconsciously across his plastron. "I'm fine," Raph lied, but already knowing Splinter would see right through it. His father was right, he did blame himself, and rightly so.

After a painful moment of silence, Raph dared look up again and found Splinter watching him with soft, compassionate eyes. Those all knowing eyes had always comforted Raph when he was a child, but now they were making him squirm slightly under their unwavering gaze. He heard his sensei sigh softly.

"You are not fine, my son." He said finally. "And you know you are not. Why do you feel you need to suffer in silence, by yourself, when there are so many who love you surrounding you and willing to help you?"

Raph swallowed hard. Because talking about it would bring too much pain. Because talking about it would make the situation at hand much more real. Because he deserved whatever pain he was feeling as penance for the pain he caused his brother. Raph let a deep frown cross his face. This was something they couldn't help him with.

"Talk to me, my child." Splinter pleaded, placing a furry hand atop his son's.

That one, small gesture brought a wave of emotion that crashed down heavily on Raph's head. He found himself faultering, the large wall he had built to keep himself hidden from his family was beginning to crack and break. He felt that familiar lump rising in his throat once again, but this time it would not disappear.

"It's just," Raph started, unsure of what to say. "I just feel like," He tried again. He closed his mouth, frustrated and not being able to get his words out. The large rat closed his hand tighter around his child's, giving Raph a bit more strength.

"It's my fault this happened to him," Raph finally said miserably. "If it weren't for me, Leo would have never left the lair. If I hadn't led Don and Mikey into a trap, Leo would never have had to get injured trying to help us. If it wasn't for what I said, Leo's mind wouldn't be broken and you could reach him. It's because of me all this happened. I did this to him…" Raph finished, his voice quiet and shaking. He realized for the first time his cheeks were moist.

Splinter remained silent as Raph explained all that had happened between him and his brother. He told his sensei about the words he had said to Leo, and about what had happened in the building the night Leo was injured.

Once Raph was done spilling everything that he had kept bottled up for days, his body was slouched limply in the chair, his head bowed, as if he didn't have the energy to lift it. Once the words had finished leaving his mouth, he became silent, waiting for Splinter to yell at him, to curse at him, maybe even disown him and throw him out on the streets for all the pain Raph caused his favorite student. When Splinter did speak, it was not anything Raph had expected.

"It is not your fault," Splinter said softly. "You feel guilt at what you say you did to Leonardo, but you did not throw him out of that window. You did not give him unfair odds to fight. You did what you thought was right by leading your brothers in that building, and Leonardo did what he thought was right by protecting his younger brothers. Leonardo has always felt a deep, innate urge to protect you boys from any harm, and he would have done what he did again and again for any of you if given the chance again."

Raph looked up at his sensei, the lump in his throat thickening at his words. He was beginning to find it harder to breath. Then Splinter leaned forward and put his other paw on Raph's shoulder, bringing himself closer to his suffering son. Raph couldn't bring himself to look at his father's face, so kept his eyes averted.

"Leonardo loves you and your brother's dearly. There has never been a day in his life where he hasn't lived to make you boys happy and keep you safe." Splinter continued, his voice even softer than before. "The words that you said hurt him, there is no doubt of that, but Leonardo will know those words were hollow and without meaning. He will forgive you, Raphael."

"But what if he doesn't?" Raph suddenly exclaimed, his fears fighting to the surface. "You didn't see his face after I said it, sensei. He looked broken and defeated. I've never seen him look like that. What if he didn't know they were hollow words. What if he believed them." Raph was ashamed at how shaky his voice sounded. He swallowed thickly and lowered his voice further. "And what if I never get a chance to tell him how sorry I am, and that I don't hate him. What if he dies thinking that I hate him." Raph's last words were near a whisper as tears began to fall more freely from his eyes.

He could feel Splinter stiffen next to him, but still stayed silent. When Splinter spoke next, the resolution in his voice was unmistakable. "Leonardo is strong. He will recover from this, I believe this strongly in my heart." He then moved his hand from Raph's shoulder to his chin, pulling his tortured son's eyes up to meet his. "Leonardo will live, and he will forgive you." He said certainly.

The horrible feelings of guilt and fear finally began to free themselves from Raph's body at his sensei's words and he let out a choked sob. Splinter leaned forward further and pulled his son into a tight embrace. Raph accepted it willingly, clinging to his father for the love, comfort, and support that he had needed desperately for these past few days. He cried loudly into his father's shoulder as he heard Splinter murmur soft, comforting words into his ear.

A few pained minutes past where the only sounds in the room were the sobs of a grieving son and the soothing whispers of a loving father. But soon, the sounds began to die as Raph began to lose his battle with consciousness, and slowly cried himself into a restless sleep.

* * *

When Raph awoke he blinked his eyes groggily. His head was resting against something soft and furry. It didn't take him long to realize he must have fallen asleep on Splinter's shoulder after their talk before. His cheeks turned red with embarrassment when he remembered how he had acted. He raised his head slightly and saw his father asleep as well, his head leaning lightly back on the head of the chair, his breaths coming slowly and evenly. Raph carefully lifted himself away from Splinter's body and sat up, looking around the basement. It was now dark, the sun had finished sinking from the sky while he had slept. All around him was quiet, meaning his brothers must still be out with April and Casey. He must not have slept long at all. 

He turned back around and put his hand on Leo's forehead, checking to make sure his brother was still the same since they had fallen asleep. A slight pang of fear arose in his chest as he realized they had left Leo alone while they had slept. He quickly put his hand to Leo's neck, mimicking what he had seen Don do, and checked for a heartbeat, finding one quickly. Raph let out a sigh of relief.

"How is he?" a sleepy voice asked from behind him. Raph turned his head to look at his groggy father.

"I'm sorry sensei, I didn't mean to wake you." Raph said softly.

"It's alright, Raphael." Splinter answered. "How is he?"

"I think he's the same." Raph answered, feeling another wave of disappointment.

Splinter nodded, gazing sadly at his injured son. Raph turned his head back to his brother, and noticed something, with annoyance, he hadn't before. A small, orange and white cat was curled up in the crook of Leo's good arm, softly purring, her paws kneading lightly across Leo's arm.

"Get off my brother!" he exclaimed with narrowed eyes, trying to shoo the small animal with his hands. The cat sat where it was, looking at him, but not moving in the slightest.

"Go on, get out!" Raph said, anger beginning to rise. How had this thing gotten down here and why was it on his brother? He moved toward the cat, ready to pick it up and throw it from his brother's form.

"Raphael!" Splinter said strongly.

Raph's hands stopped short of the cat, and he turned to look at his father. "Sensei, this cat shouldn't be down here!" Raph yelled, defending his actions. "I'm sending it back upstairs!" He once again moved his hands toward the cat, but was stopped by his father's arm grabbing his strongly.

"Raphael, stop!" He said again, his voice more excited than before. "Look!" he said pointing down at Leo.

Raph turned to see what his father was pointing out, and gasped. Leo's hand was moving slightly, his fingers running over the long soft fur of the feline curled up next to him. Raph thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest. He jumped out of his chair so quickly it was knocked over with a loud bang. He was on his knees at his brother's side in an instant.

"Leo!?" Raph said, putting his hand on his brother's forehead. "Leo, bro, come on, open your eyes." He looked at his brother hopefully, waiting to see some sign of life in his brother's face, but none came. Leo's eyes remained closed. "Leo, please, come on, wake up. We need you to wake up." Raph said pleadingly, but nothing happened. Raph felt his heart begin to sink. He looked back at his brother's hand to find it had stopped moving. Tears once again threatened to fall from his eyes, but Raph was able to swallow them back this time. He looked at his father, disappointment written all over his features.

"Raphael, do not seem troubled. This is great news. Your brother has moved. He may be closer to coming back to us." Splinter told his son, encouragingly.

They were suddenly interrupted by the basement door swinging open and loud voices entering the basement. Don was the first to enter, descending the stairs quickly and rushing to Leo's side, as if every moment that he was kept away had wounded him. He placed his hands to Leo's neck, just as Raph had done only moments before, letting out a sigh of relief at the reassuring pulse he found there. Mikey wasn't far behind Don, he stood behind his brother patiently, waiting to hear Don's verdict on their brother's condition while they were away.

"Is he O.K.?" Mikey asked nervously. Then looking down at Leo's side, he noticed the small cat in his arm. "What's with the cat?"

Both then looked at Raph and Splinter, for the first time noticing the strange looks on their faces.

"Was everything fine while we were gone?" Don asked.

Splinter and Raph looked at each other and Splinter let a smile cross his face for the first time in days. "Your brother moved his hand not moments before you came here." Splinter said, his smile growing wider.

"Really!?" Mike asked, excitement lacing every word. "Did he wake up? Is he O.K.?"

"No, I couldn't get him to open his eyes." Raph said, his voice flat. He was having a harder time sharing in the excitement. He had hoped that Leo would have regained consciousness, but had been disappointed.

"Raph, that's great news though," Don said reassuringly, hearing the disappointment in Raph's voice. "That may mean he's coming back to us. See, I told you to keep up hope!"

April and Casey then came down the stairs, immediately met by Mikey who delivered the news about Leo's progress. Raph couldn't help but be drawn in slightly by their happiness. Once everyone had cleared away from Leo's beside, Raph remained, his gaze intently fixed on Leo's face, willing him to make more progress and to open his eyes. Splinter walked up to his son and placed another reassuring hand on his shoulder, Raph tried to smile at his sensei in response, then turned his head back to his brother, beginning his overnight vigil at his bedside.


	9. Hope

Do to some unforseen car problems, I have suddenly found myself stranded with a lot of extra time on my hands. So hey, why not be productive right? Here is the next chapter, a little earlier than normal. Thanks again for all the kind reviews.

* * *

Splinter sat next to his son's bedside, his eyes intently watching Leonardo's hands and face looking for any signs of further movement that could mean his son awakening. After seeing Leonardo's hand move earlier that night, Splinter had gone back into meditation over his son's form, hoping that the movement indicated his injured child's mind would be more easily reachable. He had once again been met with failure, however, and was forced to take a spectators role and watch over Leonardo, a role that made him feel like he was doing nothing. Splinter sighed softly. The night rolled into early morning, but there had still been no further movement or signs of awakening. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the small orange cat, which was still curled up next to Leonardo's body, stretch its front paws and give a large, long yawn. It stood and circled a few times, then curled itself back up next to his son. He hadn't had the heart to move the cat earlier, since it was the cat that had evoked the first signs of life from his son in three days. Splinter watched the cat with curiosity. What was it about this cat that had encouraged movement from his unconscious son? His family had been trying again and again with no success, and then this cat enters the basement for a few hours at most and brings about more life in his son than his family had seen in days.

Splinter stroked his whiskers as he thought on the matter. And what was the draw this cat seemed to have to his one son in particular. The small animal had not left Leonardo's side since they had found it there that night. Michelangelo, the resident animal lover of the family, on numerous occasions had tried to coax the animal away to sit with him, but the cat had just looked at him silently then laid his head back down on Leonardo's arm. It was almost as though the cat knew Leonardo needed her in some way. Splinter had heard similar things before about animals being able to help and heal injured and broken people but had never seen that power first hand.

He heard footsteps descending the stairs, and looked up to see Dr. Smith making her way down. He was shocked slightly that it was already early morning. He looked at one of the small windows and realized light was streaming through. He had been deeply caught up in his thoughts and hadn't paid attention to the passage of time.

Dr. Smith walked up to him with a greeting smile and kneeled next to Leonardo, once again checking the turtle over for any signs of change.

Donatello rushed over at seeing Dr. Smith in the basement, eager to update her on what had happened the night before. In his haste he almost knocked over a pile of boxes, causing Splinter to wince, but smile at his smartest son's enthusiasm.

"He was moving his hand last night." Donatello said excitedly, kneeling next to her and beginning to assist her with her exam.

"That's great!" She exclaimed, pulling her stethoscope from her ears and smiling. "Did he regain consciousness for any amount of time?"

Donatello's face fell slightly at the question. "No, unfortunately Raph wasn't able to get him to open his eyes." Splinter saw Raphael, who was not sitting far from the conversation, drop his head slightly at the words.

"That's still good news," Sarah said encouragingly, placing a comforting hand on Don's shoulder. "He may be making progress."

"His hand was petting the cat." Mikey said, coming up to the others, wanting to be included in the conversation. "You're a good kitty, aren't ya little guy." He cooed in a baby voice, kneeling next to the small animal and running his hands over the cat's soft head.

Dr. Smith turned and saw the small cat for the first time curled up in Leonardo's arm. "I'm so sorry!" She suddenly exclaimed. "I must have forgotten to put her back in her cage last night before I left. 'Hope', you little devil," she said affectionately as she moved to take the cat into her arms, but Splinter reached out his hand and stopped her.

"Her name is 'Hope'?" he asked with curiosity. "Is this a clinic cat?"

"No, not really." Sarah answered. "She was a stray that was picked up by a Good Samaritan. Apparently she was being abused by some teenagers not far from here. The Good Sam found her and brought her here hoping we could help her. The poor thing was close to death, but she's gotten a lot better these past few days, she'll probably be going to a shelter soon."

Splinter placed his hand softly on the small animals head and watched as she rubbed her cheek affectionately on his finger. The name of the cat had struck a chord with him. The cat's name was Hope, and she had brought just that back into his family. Maybe the small animal would be able to help bring Leonardo further back to them. She had certainly taken a liking to him.

"I can take her back upstairs and put her away," Dr. Smith said, once again reaching for the cat.

"I was actually wondering if she could stay down here with us for awhile." Splinter voiced. All three of his boys looked up, surprised at their sensei's words. Splinter smiled at all of them with mild amusement. "It was the cat who seemed to bring the improvement to Leonardo, and I hope that she may be able to do it again."

Sarah thought on it, then smiled and nodded. "Of course she can stay here. I'll just tell the employees upstairs that I took her home for awhile."

Splinter nodded his thanks, then smiled. Maybe 'Hope' would once again reach out to his son and help him where his family was thus far unable.

* * *

A lone figure in red knelt comfortably in a far off corner of the clinic basement, trying to tune out the activity that was becoming suffocating in this small area. Ever since last night when Leo had moved his hand, there was no finding peace. Donny had taken up his nursing activity with a renewed vigor and Mikey had seemed to gain back some of his lighthearted nature and energy. Already two pranks had been played in the past hours, one involving Raph's sais becoming an unmanly shade of pink. Raph had feigned anger to humor Mikey, but in truth Raph loved seeing the renewed hope in his brothers. But all the activity was beginning to become overwhelming to him. 

He retreated to a quiet corner at the far side of the basement, hoping to find some peace. He had picked this corner strategically because it had a good view of Leo, but he was also able to keep a good distance from the rest of his family. His renewed hope at his brother's improvement brought with it a great desire to read farther into his brother's journal. He still felt slightly guilty about delving into his brother's private thoughts without his permission, and he knew without a doubt that Splinter would not approve, but he felt this nagging urge to know what went through his brother's head. Raph had a strong inkling that this diary could be a key to understanding a side of his brother that until now he had never known existed. He had always thought of Leo as one-dimensional, a bossy perfectionist that only cared about training and ninjitsu. But even just reading the first two entries, Raph was beginning to see there was a whole other side of his brother that he had kept hidden from his family.

He once again cracked open the book and flipped to where he had left off, and was surprised not to find another written entry, but a drawing. 'A very good drawing,' Raph thought eyeing it closer. It was a pencil drawing of the skyline of the city. Leo must have drawn it from a rooftop during some night in the past. There was no date indicating when this drawing had been done, but Raph knew it must have been done at some point after the last two entries. Raph carefully slid a finger across the page, outlining one of the drawn buildings, amazed at the amount of detail and skill put into it.

He had never known Leo could draw. Mikey had always been thought of as the artist of the family, constantly drawing and sketching comic book figures and super heroes. There was no doubt that Mikey was good, but looking at this hidden drawing that Leo had composed quietly sometime before, Raph thought Leo's skills could give Mikey's a run for their money. His mouth drew into a tight line. What else didn't he know about his older brother?

Raph reluctantly turned the page from the beautiful picture, and found another one. This one was of him Mikey, and Donny. They were all sitting on the couch in the lair, and seemed to be enjoying themselves. Raph was slightly shocked when he realized he could place this moment in time. His brothers and him and been watching a wrestling match on pay-per-view. Leo had gotten every detail of the night perfect, from Mikey's excited expression as his fighter was winning, to Raph's scowl at realizing he owed Mikey ten bucks for picking the losing side. Raph found himself smiling slightly at the memory, but the smile turned into a frown. For Leo to have drawn this picture, he would have had to have been sitting on the outside, maybe in the kitchen, or in the chair in the corner. Had they invited him to watch the fight with them? Raph honestly couldn't remember, but the thought troubled him slightly as he turned the page once more. He was met with another flowing entry.

_6/15/06_

_Master Splinter has told me he is sending me away for leadership training. I am __to leave in two nights and travel to the jungles of Central America. He did not tell me for how long I would have to stay, or what I would be expected to do. I do not know what to make of this. I feel that I have disappointed him in some way. I have been trying very hard to hone my skills and become a better fighter for my family. I don't think I am succeeding, and I fear that Master Splinter sees this as well. If Master Splinter feels that this is the course I must take in order to become a better leader, then of course I will go, but I can't help but harbor doubts as to what it is I am to do, and if I will succeed. I fear greatly that I will be unable to meet sensei's hopes for me, and I will fail him once again. He also told me I would not be able to tell my brothers that I must leave, because they wouldn't understand. This pains me greatly. I will miss them dearly while I am gone, and to be unable to say goodbye seems wrong, but Master Splinter is very wise, and if he feels this is the appropriate course, I will follow it. I would never admit this out loud, and I am even shocked that I am about to write it, but I am scared. I don't know what to expect in a country far away from what I am used to. I hear my brother's carefree shouts in the next room and wish deeply that I could join them in whatever they are doing, but I can't bring myself to feel happy tonight. I think I will go to bed and think about this further, and hopefully I will be successful and make Master Splinter proud._

Raph's heart leapt with excitement. Had Leo taken this journal with him when he left for that year to go to Central America? Raph had always wanted to know what Leo had done in those jungles for so long, but every time he or his brother's had asked, Leo had blown it off, giving a quick answer that had something to do with training, then changed the subject. None of them had ever been able to get a decent answer from him. But if Leo had taken this book with him, there may be entries that could explain what he had been up to in his absence. Raph felt his hand shaking slightly with anticipation. He licked the top of his finger, and slowly leafed the page over excited to read the next entry.

_6/20/06_

_I have finally arrived in Central America after a long journey that was anything but __easy. Master Splinter had given me no instruction on how I was to get there, so I chose to fly. Trying to sneak onto a plane this day in age is no easy task, and after being thrown around in a cargo hold for hours on end, I can honestly say that I was relieved to be on solid ground again. Master Splinter's only instructions were that I was to go into the jungle to learn more of myself and become a stronger leader. It took me a long while and a lot of hidden waiting before I finally found a bus that was heading in the direction of the deep jungle. It was hard to hitch the ride, but I managed. Days later from my departure I now find myself right where Master Splinter wanted, deep in the jungle. The bus had stopped near a small village located in a clearing among the thick forest. I began trekking through the thick trees, trying to use my katanas as a machete, periodically marking my path with symbols in the trees so I would be able to make my way back to the village if necessary. It took me hours to get through the thick branches and vegetation. The heat was more intense than I had ever felt before, and I felt as though I'd never find a safe place to make my home. I had stopped at a large fast moving stream to get a drink of water when I heard the sound of loud rushing water. I began to make my way further up the stream and quickly found the source. A tall waterfall was making its way over a large rocky ledge. I watched the water fall over the rocks as I took rest, and as I watched, I noticed a black hole that seemed to be behind it. I made my way over and was excited to find a cave within the rocky wall. It was difficult to make my way across the slippery rocks behind the falling water, but when I finally did I was greatly rewarded. The cave was vast and roomy. It stretched deep within the ground and seemed to be unoccupied. I decided to make this my new home for however long I would need to stay. It was next to water and was within a decent distance to the village if supplies were ever needed. It is where I am now, writing this entry, sitting upon a mossy rock and thinking back on my journey to get here. The emptiness I feel over leaving my family is still overwhelming, and there hasn't been a moment that has gone by where I haven't thought about them. I hope they will fair ok and they will forgive me for leaving them so secretively. I already miss them and I am unsure how I am going to make it very long without them. I can barely keep my eyes open. It's time to find some sleep, and maybe tomorrow I can begin my training and soon be on my way home._

Raph read the entry with growing excitement. Leo had brought the diary and he had written in it while he was away. Raph finally had the chance to learn more about his brother's trip to Central America. He smiled and lifted his head to glance at his brother on the couch. Another small pang of guilt was felt as Raph looked at his helpless brother, but excitement won and he turned the page, eager to continue reading.

A beautiful charcoal picture of a waterfall and stream met his eyes. The picture was in deep black and bright white, but Raph could almost imagine the vivid colors his brother had experienced while drawing this picture and could almost feel the spray of the mist depicted in the drawing as the falling water hit the stream below. The detail in the picture was so beautiful and deep. Raph realized this picture must be of the waterfall that Leo had talked about in his last entry. He was once again amazed at the artsy skill his brother had that he had never known about. He sighed softly and turned the page.

The next few pages were full of drawings of different parts of the forest, sections of trees and vines, portraits of different species of animals that even Donny may not even know of. Raph was excited to be able to actually see some of the things his brother had experienced.

He kept flipping through the pages, enjoying the pictures, until he came to more writing. Raph took a deep breath, ready to keep reading about Leo's training adventures.

_7/1/06 _

_Is this going to have to be my new home? Is this dark cave where I'm supposed to be happy for who knows __how long? I remember a time years before after we lost our first home. My brothers and I were in very poor spirits. Everything we had held dear was ruined and the home we had lived in for most of our lives was in shambles. I couldn't imagine how we could ever recover from such a loss. Master Splinter told us that home was not where our possessions lay, but where the heart is. I have never understood those words as much as I do now. My heart is far away, back in New York with my family, and home is too. If only I could return home to my family who I miss more every day that I'm here. But Master Splinter felt that I needed to train and to become better. I will never solve my problems going back now. I must stay, though every day gets harder and harder. Hopelessness is seeping into my soul. I am here, lost, and I have no idea what I must accomplish to finish the task Master Splinter has assigned me and make him proud. I look at the beauty around me but find no peace. I miss them so much it hurts. I miss Mikey's jokes, I miss Don's inventions, I miss Splinter's wisdom, I even miss Raph's sarcasm. What I wouldn't give to have them here with me. How am I supposed to become a better leader without the family around me that inspire me to lead? I guess I will just have to keep trying. I can only hope that soon I will be able to see them again._

Raph read the words again, shocked at the depth of feeling he knew was put into each line. It was hard to believe that his eldest brother, who was usually the most quiet and reserved about his feelings to the point where his brothers joked of whether he had any at all, had written such a heart felt and pained passage. He swallowed hard, disturbed at how depressed his brother sounded. He didn't realize how hard being away from all of them had been for Leo.

He did remembered how hard it had been for him, sitting at the breakfast table the morning after he left, noticing they were one turtle short.

_Flashback_

_Raph yawned as he poured a large bowl of Fruity Pebbles. He groped blearily for the milk that Mikey was hogging at the end of the table. His younger brother gave a small, sleepy grunt and pushed the milk toward his outstretched hand. Raph yawned again and poured the milk, staring intently at the swirling colors in his cereal bowl._

_Don's shuffling feet were heard as he wandered into the kitchen, reaching blindly for the coffee maker, desperately searching for his morning caffeine. As the machine began to work, Don walked over and sat heavily in one of the kitchen chairs. Raph pushed the cereal box his way without a word and took another bite of his own. _

_The three turtles sat in hazy morning silence, the only sound coming from the T.V. as it quietly reported the morning news. Raph took another slow bite of cereal, and as he chewed his morning breakfast he couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. This morning wasn't like every other. _

_Mikey, who was first to finish his cereal, pushed back in his chair and stretched, letting out a loud yawn and letting his arms stretch firmly behind him. _

"_What time is it?" he asked, his voice heavy with sleep._

"_Time for you to get a watch." Raph said smirking. _

"_Hardee har." Mikey said in feigned humor. "But seriously, it seems late. Why didn't Leo wake us up earlier?" _

"_I dunno, go ask him." Raph muttered, spitting bits of cereal from his mouth. _

_Mikey moved to rise from the chair and locate their older brother, but a soft voice from behind him caused him to stop in mid stand. "He's not here."_

_Raph's spoon froze half way to his mouth and turned his head to look at the old rat who had silently entered the room._

"_What do you mean?" Mikey asked. "Is he out running or something?"_

"_I'm afraid not Michelangelo." Splinter said softly, moving over to the table and taking a seat in one of the empty chairs. He looked exhausted, as if he had been up all night without a wink of sleep._

"_Where is he then?" Mikey asked, apprehension entering his voice._

"_Leonardo has left for a training exercise." Splinter calmly explained, looking from one shocked young face to another. "I have sent him away to learn more about himself and to further his training."_

_Raph stared at his sensei, a sinking feeling beginning to form in his stomach. Raphael had known this morning was different. He had slept later than normal, and as he had walked down the hall to the breakfast table there were no sounds of morning katas coming from the dojo, and there was no tinkling of spoon on china around the breakfast table as a cup of morning tea was prepared. Leo wasn't here. He realized that he was still holding a spoon full of Fruity Pebbles and slowly lowered it back to his bowl, suddenly not feeling very hungry. He looked over at Don who seemed just as shocked and unsure. _

"_For how long?" Don asked, his voice soft as he stared down the box of cereal._

"_I don't know." Splinter said. "For as long as it takes."_

_Raph clenched his teeth, not at all satisfied with the answer. So Leo just thought he could run out on them, without even saying goodbye? Anger and hurt began to boil within him and his eyes narrowed as he stared at the table, unable to meet his father's eyes. Emotions raged and Raph suddenly found the air thickening around him. He looked up for reassurance, but only found more lost faces from his two other brothers, each seemed just as confused and hurt as he._

"_Do not be hurt." Splinter said, seeing his son's reactions. "Leonardo has gone to do what he must, and he will return."_

_Raph's anger boiled to a new level at Splinter's words and he felt he could no longer contain it. He quickly pushed the chair back with such force it screeched loudly against the concrete floor, making the two turtles beside him flinch at the sudden noise. He stood just as swiftly and strode out of the lair, leaving his family behind. _

_He exited the sewers into the day lit city, quietly sneaking to the roof of a tall building, avoiding the eyesight of the passersby. When he reached the top he realized his head was practically swimming and his anger at his oldest brother hadn't lessened. _

_Raph began to pace up and down the middle of the roof, a million thoughts racing through his head. Leo was gone. He didn't know for how long. He didn't know where. He didn't understand why._

'_I know why.' Raph thought to himself with anger. 'Because he's a coward. He left his family without even saying goodbye.' Raph stopped his pacing and punched madly at the empty air, his hand moving with such force it almost knocked him off balance._

'_But isn't this what I wanted?' Raph thought, his teeth clenched. 'A break from Leo. To have the fearless leader back off and disappear for awhile and cut me some slack. Well now I have my wish. I'm free of Mr. Perfect for who knows how long.' But feelings of satisfaction were not what Raph felt at these thoughts. _

_He slid to the cold concrete of the building roof and drew his knees up to his body, laying his head down on top. The anger began to leak from his body slowly and left him nothing but feelings of hurt and abandonment. Why would Leo leave them? Were they not good enough for him? Was his training finally more important than his own family? Had he outgrown them? Raph let these thoughts flood his mind as he sat quietly on the roof. He lost track of time as seconds passed into minutes and minutes passed into hours. As the sun began to set around him Raph realized he needed to get back to his family. Leo may have left them, but he wouldn't._

_Raph stood stiffly from his sitting position, his muscles protesting from the long hours of idleness. He took a deep breath and looked at the sky and wondered where his oldest brother was right now, whether he was O.K. He was met with a sky full of black nothingness. His hurt feelings had not lessened in the long hours on the roof and Raph cursed at himself. He finally turned and made his way back to the lair where the rest of his family waited for him._

He had lied to himself for months that he didn't miss Leo and that their family would be better off without him. He had even convinced himself of that toward the end, as his hurt feelings turned more and more toward anger and resentment directed at his brother. And when Leo had returned, Raph had shown him the same courtesy that he felt Leo showed them when he left. Leo was met with nothing but anger and resentment, and Raph had felt it was justified.

He had never taken the time to think of how leaving had affected Leo, or whether Leo had even had a choice in the matter.

Raph felt the familiar feeling of guilt swell up in the pit of his stomach. This feeling was becoming a regular occurrence as the realizations of how much he had misunderstood his oldest brother and had probably mistreated him in turn were being brought to light.

He was almost afraid to turn the page and continue to read, worried of what else he would find. He took a deep breath and flipped the page, and was met with more of Leo's flowing script.

7/5/06

_I feel like I have finally found a purpose in this jungle. There are disturbing __wrongs going on in the small villages near my dwelling. There is a gang that resides in the area, they call themselves El Diablos Negros, or The Black Devils. I had seen them pass by in small SUVs through the paths of the jungle on many occasions, but have only just realized who they are and what they are doing. These "Black Devils" are terrorizing the people of the villages scattered throughout the jungle. They come and steal their things to sell in larger cities, they use them as their slaves, they grow and sell drugs to young kids and smuggle them to the U.S., and they evoke terror in the innocent people. I cannot allow this to continue. Someone needs to protect these people, and I have now realized that I have found a task worth doing here. This gang will regret bothering these innocent towns, of that I will make sure. I can't help but wonder if this is what Splinter would want for me to do, but I can't let these injustices go on any longer. I hope that he will be proud of me for the work I am going to do. I still miss all of them and hope that they are well._

Raph smiled slightly. So his brother had taken on some vigilante action of his own in the jungles. So he and Leo weren't so different after all. He flipped the page over and found the next entry.

_8/5/06_

_A long time has passed since I have found time to write in these pages. I have __been busy in my new task I have set for myself as protector of the villages from the Black Devils. I would like to think I have begun to make a difference. The members of the gang have been making trips to the village less frequently due to the new fear they have of the ghost of the forest. That is what they are calling me. I suppose that is what I am, an unseen figure that works in mysterious ways to those around them. No one has figured out that it is a giant mutant turtle that has been returning their stolen goods and delivering justice to the scum that tormented them for years. It is kind of fun being a legend. I am something to be respected and admired, something that I didn't get a lot of at home. Though they can not see me, I can hear them speak of me and whisper their thanks. But most importantly I feel as if I'm finally doing real good since I have arrived here. I am helping people who had no one else to turn to, and that brings me great satisfaction. I still miss my family every day that I am here. There is never a time that I don't think of them and wonder how they are doing. I have written to them a couple of times, but seeing as how I don't have an address, they are unable to write me back, so I am left to wonder how they fair. I hope that Mikey isn't causing too much trouble. I hope Donny is not spending too much time in his lab and getting plenty of sleep. I hope that Raph is keeping his anger under control and helping keep the family together. And I hope that Master Splinter is well and I hope that when I return he will be proud of the work I am doing._

"Whacha reading?" A voice from above asked. Raph quickly snapped the diary shut and looked up annoyed at his youngest brother who was eyeing him questioningly.

"Nuthin Mikey, why don't you go back to your video games?" Raph said, trying to keep the bite out of his voice at this unwanted intrusion.

"I've already beaten it." Mikey said, "So I thought I'd come over here and bother you. You've barely said two words all day. Come on, let's play something."

"I'm really not in the mood." Raph said, "Why don't you go ask Donny."

"Donny's busy with Leo." Mikey answered quickly, never taking his expectant gaze off Raph.

"Ok, then why don't you start trying to get my sais back to a normal color." Raph said tersly, trying to keep an amused smile off his face. The last thing he needed to do was encourage Mikey in the prank department.

Mikey grinned widely. "But bro, they match your eyes!" he laughed. Raph swiped out at his brother, and Mikey dodged it quickly, putting himself just out of arms reach of his brother. "So you never answered my question. Whacha reading?"

"Seriously Mikey, it's nothing. Just something I found at the lair." Raph said, trying to push the book behind him to avoid further questions. "Go find something to do. I'm sure Master Splinter would like company with Leo."

Mikey's features sombered quickly at this statement. He looked over at their father, once again lost in meditation over their brother. "Splinter's meditating." He said, turning back to Raph. "And, I just can't. I can't bring myself to see Leo like that anymore." Mikey sighed and sat down next to Raph. "Leo's always been the one that takes care of us, you know? I just can't stand to see him like that, and when I look at him, I can't see how he is ever going to recover."

Raph looked at his brother and placed a strong hand on his shoulder. "Leo's going to be fine, Mikey." He said with more conviction than he felt. "He needs our support to get through this. You need to be strong for him, like he has been for you, and all of us."

Mikey sighed. "Yeah, I know." He said. "I just miss him…" Raph swallowed hard and nodded tightening his grip on Mikey's shoulder in agreement. They sat there together silently for a few moments, both taking comfort in the others company. Finally Mikey couldn't take the quiet anymore. "Come on bro, just one game. I'll even let you win this time."

Raph rolled his eyes. "Let me win. If I remember last time I kicked your sorry shell back to the stone age." He said with a growl.

Mikey let out a bark of laughter. "Yeah right, dude. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. And with my super quick video game moves, you'd never stand a chance."

"I'll show you what I can hit," Raph said, swiping Mikey upside the head.

"Ow, what was that for?" Mikey scoffed, rubbing the back of his head.

"For being you." Raph answered. "Now are we going to play a round or what?"

Mikey let a large grin cross his face. "Yeah! You're on!"

Raph watched as Mikey leapt up and ran off to the T.V. to pick up his controllers. He stood and walked over to join him. As he did he felt a strong hand grip his arm and looked up to see Don looking at him. "Thanks Raph." He said simply. No more words were needed. Raph just smiled hollowly, then crossed the rest of the distance to Mikey, where the video game he really didn't feel like playing was waiting.


	10. The Deepest Secret

The Deepest Secret

I am normally not a fan of the theme that I introduce in this chapter, but when I was brainstorming reasons why Leo would have stayed away from New York for so much longer than he planned this idea came to me and I couldn't let it go. It just seemed to fit for me. I hope everyone else agrees.

* * *

Hours had past, most of it spent in front of the T.V. playing endless rounds of video games with the youngest of the family. What had been meant to be a short game had turned into a fighting tournament. Every time Raph tried to get away from the T.V. Mikey pouted and convinced to him to play another round. It was best 2 out of 3, then 4 out of 6, then 16 out of 20. Raph was beginning to think Mikey could go forever.

Finally April and Casey had arrived with dinner, which finally caused Mikey to throw the game controllers down and rush over to get something to eat, allowing Raph to finally sneak away from the T.V.

He had quickly eaten a small meal, only to appease the worried friends surrounding him. He knew he hadn't eaten much since that night four days ago, but he just hadn't had an appetite. His stomach was already full every hour of every day with never ending waves of guilt.

After dinner Raph made his way over to Leo's side. He hadn't been near his brother all day, stuck in the never ending gaming tournament, and felt the need to reassure himself that nothing had changed for the worse. Splinter was still next to Leo's side, which was not surprising, dosing lightly. The rat had left Leo's side only a handful of times since they had come here. Raph realized that it wasn't much different than what he had been doing. He knew how worried Splinter was for his oldest son. This was the closest that any of them had come to losing a member of their tightly knit family. To lose one link would cause their strong family chain to break.

Raph sighed and took a seat next to Leo's head. He heard a soft meow and saw the small cat, 'Hope', lying once again with his brother, this time across his plastron, her paws kneading softly. Raph couldn't quite figure out why Splinter wanted to keep this cat with them. Sure, it was the cat that elicited the first movement from Leo in days, but was it really necessary to keep it around? Raph didn't like that the animal was constantly around his injured brother. When he had voiced his concern to Splinter, the rat had just smiled and told Raph he was being overprotective, and that nothing bad would come of it. Raph gave the cat an uneasy look, then turned back to his brother's face, which still looked the same as it had for days. He had seen Mikey and Donny, and even Splinter talking to Leo numerous times, as if Leo could hear them. As Raph had watched them, he wondered if Leo could.

"Hey Leo," he said softly, as to not wake his father. Ugh, this was embarrassing. He looked over and saw Donny and April still eating dinner. Mikey had pulled Casey over to the T.V. and had dragged the man into another round of video games. Raph shook his head and smiled slightly, feeling slightly sorry for Casey. He turned back to Leo. He had yet to be able to bring himself to talk to his unconscious brother. For Donny and Mikey it was therapeutic, he knew that. But for him, it was just embarrassing.

He opened his mouth to try and say something to Leo, but no words came to him. He sighed, dejected, and placed a hand on Leo's forehead instead. The soft sounds of the ventilator filled his ears, once again reminding him how sick his brother was. He swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. He needed to get out of the basement, away from the commotion, away from everything. He stood suddenly and looked over at his other brothers, both of which were not paying attention to him, busy with their own things.

He quickly snuck up the stairs, taking long swift strides through the dark empty clinic. He exited the side door and was immersed in the cool night air. He breathed deeply and slowly, trying to calm his addled nerves. Somewhere far off he could hear a tropical bird call, reminding him he was in a clinic surrounded by a zoo of animals. He took another deep breath of cool air, and made his way to the roof of the small building. Making himself comfortable under a flood light so he could read, he sat and pulled out his brother's black diary, anxious to get back to reading more.

So Leo had been fighting in the jungle, by himself. His older brother, who had lectured him, with anger, on a roof a while back about how what he, Raph, had been doing as Nightwatcher was wrong and dangerous, had been doing the same thing. Raph found himself smiling smugly, realizing that, though Leo tried to act like it, he was no better than Raph. Raph's smile disappeared as soon as it had appeared, however, as guilt over his thoughts swept over him. He sighed. When would he stop having such malicious thoughts about Leo. It was as if every time Raph found a weakness in his perfect older brother, he felt the need to exploit it. Raph shook his head, realizing he had to stop that vicious cycle.

He turned back to the book and opened it, flipping through the worn pages to where he left off. He quickly found another entry. The written words seemed different somehow, the flowing script was still unmistakably Leo's, but shakier and more sloppy, as if writing them had been physically difficult. Raph narrowed his eyes slightly.

_8/26/06_

_I almost made a fatal mistake in my last fight with the Black Devils, leaving me in __the state I am now, weak and run down. Even moving this pencil across the pages is taking strength I feel like I don't have. If it wasn't for the compassion and concern of one of the villagers I'd probably, no, I know I'd be dead. I want to record the happenings of a few nights before so that I don't forget it, and hopefully I'll never make the near fatal mistake again. I underestimated my opponent, and that mistake nearly cost me my life. I should start from the beginning. I was making my way through the forest one morning on a long training run, when I heard a woman scream off in the distance. Luckily I had brought my katanas, and I rushed off in the direction of the screams. When I finally happened upon the scene, I found two of the gang members holding down a young woman, trying to do unspeakable things to her. She was beneath them, putting up a good fight, but was no match for the two brutes holding her down. I felt rage flow through my veins. The punks were armed, but they were young and obviously inexperienced, nothing I hadn't handled before. I drew my katanas and leapt from the branch I had been perched on, taking one out quickly. The other had tried to draw his gun on me, but I had quickly knocked it from his hands. That was when it happened. A loud explosion erupted from the trees. I moved, but not quick enough, and I felt a deep searing pain in my shoulder as the bullet entered. The member I had neglected to account for was standing between two trees, a look of horror on his face at seeing a giant turtle staring back. I swallowed back the pain and dispatched him quickly. Once I made sure they were all taken care of, I felt the adrenaline begin to leave my body and my vision began to blur. I looked slowly over to where the woman was laying. She was staring at me with a look of fear and disbelief on her face. I thought she was going to scream. I hate it when people look at me like that, like I'm a giant freak that has no right to share their earth. I turned away from her weakly, feeling my strength draining. My shoulder hurt immensely and I could feel the warm sticky blood leaking quickly from the wound, taking any remaining strength with it. I vaguely heard her footsteps behind me as she ran away, but the ringing in my ears and my double vision was making it hard to concentrate on anything else. I needed to get back to my cave, but I didn't know how that was going to happen. I felt myself sinking to the ground, and after that I don't remember much. I was about ready to let my eyes close and drift off, but then someone was there beside me, helping me to my feet. My vision was so blurred I could not make out who, or what it was, but in my state I could to nothing but respond. The figure had asked where I lived, and I remember trying to answer. I must have managed one, because we had started to move. Everything after this is a blur. Occasionally I would hear a voice telling me to stay with them, and I tried. I don't know how long we walked, but I remember feeling, with relief, the spray of water from the waterfall as we reached my cave. The figure let go of me at one point, after we had made it inside, and after that I remember nothing. I can only assume I must have lost consciousness. When I awoke next, I was lying on my back next to a small fire. I felt like I had been hit by a semi truck, my mouth was parched, and I felt like I could vomit. I tried to move, but a sharp pain in my shoulder caused me to cease and I let out a small cry. That was when I felt small hands on my arm and carapace, trying to steady me. I felt a pang of fear as I realized I wasn't alone, but the soothing voice coming from the figure next to me caused me to begin to relax. I looked up, trying to visualize the person that was here with me, and was met with the face of the woman I had saved earlier. She was looking at me, her eyes that had once been filled with revulsion and fear, were now filled with concern. She brought me water and helped me sit up. She told me her name was Isabel, and that I had no reason to fear her. She explained to me what had happened after the fight. She had tried to run in fear, but had not been able to, knowing that I had saved her life, and needed help of my own. She had come back and helped me home, and had treated me with the best of her abilities, and had cared for me. When I asked her for how long I had been out, she answered two days. I felt like I could vomit again. She told me the wound had become infected and I had been caught in a high fever, and there were times when she had thought I wouldn't make it, but that finally the fever had broken hours before, and now, here I was. I could do nothing but stare at her, amazed. This girl who had no idea who I was, or what I was, had stayed with me and cared for me for two days without a second thought. When I tried to apologize and thank her, she had quieted me, telling me I had saved her life and her honor, and it was her who should be thanking me. I introduced myself to her, and tried to answer her questions, and told her the story of how I had come to be here. By the time I was done, I was exhausted and had fallen asleep shortly after. When I awoke hours later, I had expected her to be gone now that I was doing better, but there she was, cooking food over the small fire. She is a very beautiful girl. Her long black hair was pulled in a messy pony tail, her soft features illuminated by the glow of the fire as she cooked. She had made me try and eat, even though my stomach wanted to revolt. After food, we had sat and talked for hours. She seemed fascinated by me, and wanted to know everything about me. It was so nice to have someone to talk to, and I found myself willing to tell her everything. After the words had run out, we sat in silence. After a while, she fell asleep, leaving me alone to have a chance to record my thoughts. I can't help but stare at my savior and be thankful for her good nature and kindness. If it weren't for her, I would be dead. I will forever be in your debt Isabel, and I thank you for what you did for me._

Raph read the last words of the passage, his mouth dry from it hanging open in shock, his eyes narrowed, his face pale. He had never known that Leo had come close to dying while in Central America. It was something he had neglected to mention in any of his letters. Raph ran his hand over his head in exasperation. He wanted to hug this Isabel girl for the help and kindness she had shown to his brother in his time of need. He swallowed hard, anxious to continue to reading about his sibling's experiences.

He turned the page and found another drawing. It was another picture depicting the surrounding jungle, but this one was done with colors. Raph assumed Leo had drawn this during his recovery and had taken his down time to search for things to use for color. The greens looked as though they could have been from the leaves of a tree, the reds possibly mixed from berries from the surrounding forest floor. The lines were a bit wobbly, not done with the same grace as the ones he had seen before, but it was still well done none the less, and much more beautiful with the bold colors his brother had added.

Raph smiled at the picture, then turned the page, and gasped. The next picture was of a beautiful girl. Leo had used color in this one as well, but Raph had a feeling the colors didn't do her justice. The girl had soft, fine features accented by smooth milky light brown skin. Her heart shaped face was surrounded by thick flowing hair as black as night. Her chocolate brown eyes were sharp and clear, her pink lips turned into a soft smile as her gaze left the paper, looking at something unseen in the distance. Raph found himself running his hands lightly over the depicted face. Under the picture, his brother had written a single name. 'Isabel.'

So this was the girl that had saved his brother's life. Leo certainly was right, she was beautiful. Leo had seemed to include every detail, from the shading on her face from the fading light, to the bright glint in her eye as she gazed off the paper. The girl in the picture took Raph's breath away. Raph was about to turn the page, when he realized for the first time how crinkled and worn the page was. It was obvious Leo had turned to this page many times before. Raph could hardly blame him. He smiled mischievously, thinking his brother must have had a crush on her. He laughed softly and turned the page, finding more writing.

_9/1/06_

_I feel like going crazy. I have been cooped up in this cave now for days, slowly recovering __from my previous injuries. I am finally regaining some of my strength, but I still find it hard to move my shoulder nimbly. I feel like I could scream from the overwhelming boredom. If it wasn't for Isabel's continual company, I think I would have gone insane. She has been a constant comfort in my life since I met her. Once my health had begun to return, she had decided to return home to let her parents know that she was ok, and as she left I thought for sure I would never see her again. But that night she was back to check on me, and she had brought all sorts of food and sweets with her. I remember how happy I was to see her return. There is something about her that brings happiness to me in a place where I thought I'd never find it. The constant pain from being separated from my family has been lessened somewhat by my new friend. She helps to relieve some of the overwhelming loneliness that I had been feeling since I arrived here. I have found I can tell her anything, and she seems comfortable in doing the same with me. I have learned that she has three older brothers, all moved out and married with lives of their own. She is the last remaining of her parent's children, only still there because she has not found anyone she has felt worthy of her hand. I have found out a lot about her over these past few days. She is sweet, and funny, her great sense of humor reminding me of Mikey. But she is also strong willed and opinionated, bringing her much respect in my eyes. I can't see why she insists on spending all of her free time in this old ratty cave with an injured mutant turtle, but something keeps bringing her back, and I would have it no other way. I love the way she looks at me, with respect and awe and admiration. When she looks at me I feel as though I'm the most important person in the world which is a feeling I'm not used to feeling growing up with three younger brothers who are constantly judging my worth. I feel like I can be my complete self around her. I don't have to put on a brave show or always be the strong one, I can just be me, something I haven't been able to be for a long time, and she likes me for that. She has told me how much she appreciates everything I have done for the communities around the forest. It didn't take her long to realize that I was the ghost of the forest, the one that was fighting the Black Devils. There is no getting anything past her, she is smart too, did I mention that? But anyway, in my down time, while she is away I have been trying to do plenty of meditation exercises to keep up with my leadership training, and soon I am going to start my physical training again, once my nursemaid believes me ready. I think I hear her coming back._

Raph smirked. Man, his brother had it bad for this girl. Why had he never mentioned her to them? Raph wondered on it for a few moments, but hadn't been able to come up with any good reason. Was his brother embarrassed to share things like this with his family? Sure, they would have teased him mercilessly, but they were still family and his brother should feel comfortable telling them about things like this. He then remembered the cold welcome that he had given Leo in returning, and the non-stop fighting that had happened since and Raph swallowed back the guilt.

Raph flipped further through the pages, journeying through months of entries detailing Leo's work in the jungle, and excursions he had taken with Isabel. She was mentioned in almost every entry he had written. Raph was beginning to really like this girl who had kept his brother company in a seemingly very lonely time in his life. They had taken trips to private beaches together so that Leo could experience a 'real' ocean, she had introduced him to different things in the Central American cultures, including instruments and food, she had tutored him in the Spanish language to help make his stay in her country easier. And all the while Leo had still been finding time to patrol around the near by villages fighting off the gang that still found the courage to try and terrorize the villages, luckily without any further injury that he had felt the need to mention. As he moved from entry to entry, he realized how much he was learning about his brother and his time away. Leo had been up to a lot in the time he had been gone, and his life had been nothing like what Raph had imagined.

Raph silently flipped to another page, and double took at the words he saw written at the beginning of the entry.

_11/3/07_

_She kissed me! I can't believe it! It is the most amazing thing I have ever __experienced in my entire life. I still worry that I am only dreaming, that I will awaken soon to find that it never happened. We had been walking back to my cave after a long trip into a distant village. She had taken me with her shopping for things for her family's shop back in the village. I took the much needed day off, eager to spend more time with her and see more of her country. I had to disguise myself of course, but no one really gave me much notice. We were able to move freely through the busy market, me masked in my cloak, and I almost felt like I was normal. It has been one of my favorite days here thus far. As we made the long trek back to my home, I couldn't help but dwell on her arm which she had linked in mine as she carried her packages. As we came closer to the cave, the moonlight was shining brightly through the trees and had been reflecting off her shiny dark hair. We decided to sit at the top of the falls, neither of us tired, and had talked for a long while, laying in the grass and watching the stars. After a while we had become silent and I was beginning to wonder if she had fallen asleep. Then I heard her turn on her side and she looked at me and smiled. 'You know you are amazing, right?' she told me. I had felt myself blush and silently shook my head, not sure what she was meaning. I had never been called amazing before, and I certainly have never believed I am. I watched as she sat up, a troubled expression on her face. She asked me why I didn't believe her. I told her that there was nothing special or amazing about me, that I was just a mutant that could fight and that because of who I was, of what I was, I could never be normal, much less amazing. She had gazed at me, a strange expression on her face. 'It is because you are not normal that makes you so special.' She had told me. 'You are strong, caring, compassionate, funny, loyal, and loving, and unlike anyone I have ever met before. You are very special Leo, and it is important you know and believe that.' I couldn't bring myself to look at her after that. My cheeks had become hot and I had stared at the ground, my hands picking mindlessly at pieces of grass beside me. No one had ever spoken such nice words to me before, and as far as I could tell she had meant them. I started slightly as I felt her move close to me. Her hand reached over and took my chin and turned my head around to look at her. I was startled by how close she was to me. I could smell roses on her hair and feel her breath on my cheek. 'You are special, Leonardo.' She repeated softly, her voice sending shivers down my spine. And then she did it. She pulled me toward her and kissed me. I thought my heart was going to soar out of my chest. I could feel it pounding quickly under my plastron as her lips were pressed against mine. I could do nothing but close my eyes and melt into her and hope that this moment would never end. I never thought in a million years I would find someone who could like me for what I was. I am a giant turtle, a disfigured reptile that was mutated into a walking and talking weapon, but in that moment I felt human, I felt special, and I felt loved. I had resigned myself to a life of loneliness, without ever finding love. But now, as I sit here, missing her deeply and still feeling the warmth of where her lips had been on mine, I wonder if I have been blessed to have finally found love._

'My God,' Raph thought, his breath hitching. 'Leo had fallen in love.' He couldn't believe it. His brother had fallen in love with a girl on his trip to Central America, and that girl had fallen in love with him back. How could he not have mentioned this? Raph felt an onslaught of emotion. What had happened that made Leo keep this a secret. Raph's hands were shaking slightly as he turned the page, eager to read on. He was met with a short passage that seemed to be written in a great hurry.

1/15/07

_She's gone, taken by those bastards, the Black Devils. I returned from a training __exercise and had went to her home to meet her. She had told me she wanted to talk to me when I returned, and I couldn't imagine what about. I had snuck to her window that night, but no one was in her room. I crept through the window and looked around her bedroom for any sign of her. It was then I heard hysterical voices from below me. They must have been the voices of her parents. I heard someone cry that she had been taken by the Black Devils, and I felt my heart clench in fear. They had taken her, for who knows what end. I had rushed back to my cave immediately to grab my weapons, and it is now that I am leaving. I am going to stop these Black Devils once and for all and I am going to get Isabel back. They will pay for messing with her._

Raph swallowed hard, a fear gripping his heart as he stared at the short passage. He was afraid to read on, afraid to turn the page and find out what had happened. He had a bad feeling that he couldn't place. But Raph took a deep breath and shakily turned to the next page and felt bile rise to his throat. There were only a few words written in large, shaky handwriting.

_**SHE'S DEAD.**_

_**OH GOD…..DEAD.**_

The page opposite of it was covered in a muddy, three fingered hand print, as if Leo had crawled over to his journal through wet mud. Both pages were covered in dirt and streaks of red that, Raph realized with horror, must be blood. Parts of the few large words that were written haphazardly across the page were smeared from, what Raph could guess, tears from his grieving brother.

He could almost feel the horrible amount of grief that his brother had felt just by reading those few pained words. He felt sick and ran to the side of the roof, retching off the side, the journal falling limply to the ground. He dry heaved and took pained ragged breaths until he felt his body begin to calm. He wiped the remaining spit from his mouth and sank back to the floor of the roof, his body shaking with emotion. He regretted ever opening that book and reading the passages within. He glanced over at it, the small thing lying on the ground, discarded. Who could have ever thought such a small and simple thing could hold so much pain.

Raph felt as if he could vomit again, but was able to hold it down this time. He breathed deeply trying to regain his composure, gulping in the cool night air with loud, shuddering gasps. He could have never guessed the horrible pain and tragedy his brother had met in that jungle.

He shakily picked the journal back up, staring at the pages in front of him. He rubbed his eyes and found his hands came back moist. When had he started to cry? Raph swallowed hard and turned the page away from those horrible pain filled words. He was met with another entry, this one written more normally, though slightly shaky. Raph took a deep breath, trying to regain his courage to continue to read. He had gotten himself in this far and felt he had to finish.

_I can't even remember how many days have passed, or even what day it is. I __know that the sun has risen and set many times since…since her death. I can't bring myself to leave the cave. Everything reminds me of her. I see her everywhere. I tried, I tried so hard to save her, but I was too late. The pain is still so near, but I feel like the story must be written, so I never forget it, never forget her memory, never forget how I failed her. I had traveled for many days, following the vehicle tracks left behind by the scum who had ransacked the village and taken her. She had been among many other young people from many villages who had been taken by the gang, for what purpose, I still don't know and I no longer care. It took me days to catch up with them, as I had no vehicle to carry me. I came across the filthy camp and had no trouble navigating through it without being seen. But when I came across the prisoners, she was no where to be found. They told me she was taken to another tent with some of the other female prisoners. I quickly freed the ones I had found and told them to hide in the forest while I went for the others. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found. She was there, with three other girls, beaten and bloody. I ran to her side, and she opened her eyes when she felt my hand on her hair, and she did the last thing I thought she would ever be capable of in her state. She smiled at me. She reached her hand out and took mine, and I almost lost it right there. 'I knew you would come for me.' She whispered, not letting go of my hand. Her voice shook me out of my frozen state and I realized I had to get her out of here and get her help as quickly as I could. I quickly freed the other girls and took her into my arms, anger coursing through my veins. I couldn't imagine how any person could be so cruel to another. These punks deserved the worst, and I was itching to deal it to them. But her weight in my arms reminded me that I had much more important things to deal with. I had managed to dispatch a couple of the gang members and hijack a vehicle to get the kids back to the nearest village. Once I had freed them, I took Isabel back to my cave at her request. I fought with her, wanting to take her to a doctor, or someone who knew how to save her, but in the end she won. I saw the pleading in her eyes and I could deny her nothing. I was determined to save her, as she did me months before, but she seemed to know that no amount of medical attention was going to get her past this. Despite my efforts, she kept getting worse, but every time I tried to convince her to go to a doctor, she declined. She told me she wanted to spend her last hours in my company. I tried to argue with her, deny that she wasn't going to die and that I could save her, but she silenced me with one touch to my hand. Tears began to flow from my eyes, she begged me not to cry for her, but how could I not? She told me that the months she had spent with me had been the happiest in her life. She then opened my palm with her weak hands and dropped a small woven necklace into it. When I looked at her with teary, questioning eyes, she told me it was to remember her by, and that as long as I kept the necklace close to me, she always would be close to me too. She whispered to me softly that the reason she had wanted me to meet with her when I returned was for us to sneak away together that night and live our lives together safe and far from here, and that now that safe place would be deep in my heart. Tears fell thickly from my eyes at her words, my heart breaking in two and I tried to choke back my sobs. She had smiled weakly at me, wiping my tears from my cheeks and whispered that she loved me, a look of resigned peace on her face as she held my hand. I sobbingly returned her sediments, holding her broken body tightly in my arms. She died in my arms not long after. The grief I felt was immeasurable. I don't know how long I held her lifeless body in my arms. After an unknown amount of time, I knew I had to return her body to her family. I took her back, wrapped in one of the blankets she had brought for me a long time ago and left her in her bed. Days later I watched her funeral from afar in the trees suffering alone in my deep grief. From there I have lived as a true ghost of myself, unable to move, unable to eat, barely able to breath. But I have finally awaken today, knowing that I can no longer sit around and do nothing as Isabel's killers still wander the jungle, unpunished and free. This is my declaration that those remaining members of the gang will regret the day they hurt her. I failed to save her, but I will not fail again._

Raph felt hot tears making their way down his cheeks as he read the grief filled passage. There were no longer dates marked on the pages, further proving that his brother had lost track of time in his grief. How long did Leo live in that jungle sinking in his own depression and grief? Raph wasn't sure. He only knew that eventually April had found him and had convinced him, somehow to come home, and from what she had described, it seemed as though he had almost forgotten all about any previous life that he had ever lived, almost like he had forgotten about his family. He wondered if this was around the time Leo had stopped writing to them. Their family had deeply resented him for that. Raph felt more bile rise in his throat as realization began to wash over him in sickening waves. They had thought he had outgrown them, thought himself too good to write. The truth behind the months of silence was almost more than Raph could take.

But what had gotten Raph the most was finding out the origin of his brother's necklace. He had come home wearing the small woven band around his neck. It had taken him and his brother's a long time to notice it because Leo always kept the length of it hidden safely under his plastron. When Mikey had finally noticed it, they had asked him where it had come from. Raph remembered how his brother had acted after Mikey had asked him. He had become very stiff and quiet, as if deeply uncomfortable. Finally he had answered that he had made it while in the jungle as a reminder of his training. That had seemed to suit Mikey fine, but Raph could tell there was something else to it. He had found out just how much that band meant to his brother one night during a training run about a month before.

_Flashback_

_Raph was panting heavily as he and his brother's were nearing the end of the training run. This training run was longer than it had ever been before and he and his younger brothers were suffering through it. It seemed like Leo was determined to push them as hard as he could. Raph was getting sick and tired of Leo's endless pushing and training and he was ready to give him a mouth full._

"_I'm done!" he shouted, slowing his pace to a walk._

_Leo turned around, still jogging in place, a hard look plastered to his face. "Raph, we only have one more mile. You guys can make it." But now that Raph had stopped, the other two were not anxious to get started again either. All of them stood near each other looking at Leo, panting hard._

"_We're tired, dude." Mikey said between breaths. "Can't we just walk the rest of the way home?"_

_Leo had tried to hide the annoyance on his face as he looked from brother to brother. Raph grew a smug look on his face. He had Donny and Mikey on his side, it was time to rebel against order._

"_We aren't going any farther, Leo. If you want to run back, you can do it yourself." Raph said, gearing up for a fight. _

"_It isn't much further." Leo pleaded, trying to get the others to continue. _

"_You need to get your ears checked, Leo, we said no!" Raph countered, his voice getting harder. "So just stop trying to be Mr. Perfect and let it go."_

"_I am not trying to be Mr. Perfect, Raph." Leo answered, annoyance entering his voice. "I'm trying to get you guys back into shape. Who knows when the next big threat will be and we have to be ready." _

"_We are ready." Raph yelled. "We fought Winters' guys and we kicked butt. But you wouldn't remember a lot of that, would you?"_

_Leo's face became flushed and his mouth settled into a hard line. Raph smiled, he had struck a chord. "Leave it Raph." He said dangerously._

"_You're jungle training didn't prepare you for that, did it?" Raph continued, wanting to continue pressing Leo's buttons. He knew he was walking on dangerous territory, that his words were hitting Leo deeply, but he didn't care. Leo had abandoned them for a year, made them think he was dead. Raph had thought he had moved past it after Winters, but all of the unresolved resentment had begun to take hold once again. He was angry and he wanted Leo to know it. _

_He walked over to Leo's stiff, still form. "Apparently this remnant of your training didn't remind you to keep a look out all around you. Being ambushed is such a rookie mistake." Raph then swiftly grabbed the band and pulled it from Leo's neck._

_Leo let out a gasp of surprise and quickly reached out, trying to get the necklace back from his brother, but Raph moved his hand out of Leo's reach before he had a chance to grab it. "What is this thing anyway. It looks stupid to me." Raph continued, seeing every muscle in Leo's body become tense. _

"_Give it back Raph." Leo said flatly, moving toward Raph to try and grab for the band again. Raph once again moved out of the way just in time._

"_I dunno what made you make this thing. Of course, it does match your eyes Fearless." Raph baited. He knew he was getting on his brother's last nerve. He was waiting for Leo to engage him in combat. He was angry at his oldest brother for being insufferable with training these past months, for leaving him and his family for so long, and he was just itching for Leo to come at him once again, like on the rooftop._

"_This isn't funny, Raph." Leo said, a hint of panic in his voice. "Give it back."_

"_It's not meant to be funny, Leo." Raph said, tossing the necklace in the air. Leo drew in a loud breath as he saw the band thrown into the air and took a few steps forward. Raph quickly backed up out of Leo's reach, but he didn't see the edge of the concrete ledge behind him, and as his foot teetered on the surface he almost lost his balance, and he opened his palm involuntarily to steady himself, dropping the necklace into the swirling water below. _

"_No!" Leo shouted. He stood, staring in shock at the water, but only for a second. He quickly began stripping his weapons from his body, tossing them to the side, and without a second thought, he jumped into the angry waters below._

_Donny and Mikey, who had chosen to remain quiet through their brothers' argument, let out a startled gasp as they watched Leo dive into the cold water. Mikey ran over to the side, looking for any sign of their brother. Raph, once he realized what had happened, had quickly knelt down to the edge, his anger gone and horror written in his features. He hadn't meant to drop the necklace, and he definitely hadn't expected Leo to go in after it. He had just been looking for a fight, he hadn't meant for this to happen._

"_Leo!" He heard Mikey shout desperately. Minutes had passed painfully, all three younger brothers looking for a sign of the oldest in the murky waters below. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Leo surfaced, coughing and sputtering. Donny and Mikey had rushed over to him and pulled his cold body out of the water. Raph noticed numbly that in his hand he was clutching the brown band as if life itself depended on it. Donny and Mikey pulled Leo over to the wall and propped him up on it as Leo took fast shuddering breaths. _

"_Leo, are you ok?" Donny asked with concern. Leo didn't answer him. He sat there still, coughing up water occasionally, his breaths shaky and weak. _

_Raph felt horrible. He hadn't meant to drop the necklace and upset his brother to that extent. All he had wanted was a good fight. He knelt down next to his brother. "Leo, I'm…" But he stopped. At the bottoms of Leo's eyes he could swear he saw moisture beginning to materialize. Was Leo crying?_

_Leo seemed to realize this at the same time and quickly brought his hands up to his eyes feeling the hot tears that were present. His throat was beginning to swell and his chest was constricting, he felt he was going to die from the overwhelming emotion. Leo looked at the shocked and concerned faces of his brothers, suddenly unable to take the worry and pity in their eyes. He stood, and without another word he took off running in the opposite direction of the lair. _

"_Leo!" Donny called after him, but Leo kept going, ignoring his voice._

"_Damn it," Raph cursed, and took off after his brother, determined to talk to him. He ran as fast as he could, but Leo had always been faster, and as Raph rounded the corner, Leo was gone._

_He and his brothers had returned to the lair, all had waited up for Leo's return. Hours later Leo had come through the door, his face white and expressionless. The three had jumped up when they heard him enter._

"_Leo," Raph said, but Leo walked by ignoring him, his head bent, his eyes distant. Raph narrowed his eyes at the brush off he received. "Hey Leo, wait up, I was talking to you." But Leo again kept walking. Raph reached out and grabbed Leo's wrist, and gasped when he felt how cold his brother's skin was. Leo's reaction was swift, pulling his wrist from his shocked brother's hand and disappearing quickly behind his bedroom door. Raph stood there with his eyes narrowed. Leo never ignored him._

"_Hey, Leo." Raph said, pounding on the door, but there was no sound from the other side. "Leo, open the door. We want to talk to you." The other two had joined Raph on the opposite side of Leo's door, waiting for a response, but none had come, there was only silence. Finally they had all dispersed, leaving their brother alone in his room._

_When asked about it the next morning, Leo had apologized for his behavior, chalking it up to him not being used to handling Raph after being away for a year. All of them knew it was a lie, but none of them had the courage to push it further, so the issue was dropped and life had continued as always._

Raph felt like he could vomit for the second time that night. How many times had they misunderstood their brother and in turn had hurt him severely. He didn't understand at the time the meaning of his brother's necklace. He would have never dared touch it if he would have known it represented what it did. He wondered how many more entries Leo had written in here. He flipped to the next one and was shocked at the date. It was only a few months ago.

_6/2/07_

_I have been home now for a month and a half, I believe. Coming home began __with a very rocky start. The pain I feel over the loss of Isabel is still raw and near, and I fear it will never lessen. The burden I have brought home with me I fear is my own. My family would never understand. I am having a hard enough time with them without burdening them with my problems. I hurt my brothers deeply by leaving them for a year. Mikey has been a constant presence, as if he fears I will leave suddenly again. Don is more withdrawn from me than he used to be, and Raph, well Raph and I jumped right back into fighting, but it has escalated to a point it never had before. We had physically fought, weapons drawn, on a rooftop only a few days after my return. The anger in his eyes directed toward me had startled me and had caused me to faulter giving him the upper hand. At first I thought he was going to kill me. His sais had fallen dangerously close to my neck, his eyes were practically red with rage. I had no idea how much I had hurt and angered him by leaving. Some of that anger of his dissipated after the Winters incident. I think he blamed himself for my capture, but I know deep down it was only my weakness that led me to that situation. Because of that I had forced my family into danger in order to save me. I have failed them in so many ways, just as I failed her. I am forced to wonder every day if I was ever good enough to be their leader. Splinter told me on my return that my training had made me stronger, but I believe he has erred deeply in assuming this. Even after spending a year in Central America, I am still only met by failure. I failed Isabel back in the jungles, I failed my family by allowing myself to get captured and forcing them into combat, and I failed my father by not becoming the leader he always wanted me to be. I am starting to find it harder and harder to fill the large void that has burrowed its way into my soul. I feel nothing, and I am becoming worthless. I am no good to anyone anymore, but all I can do is continue to try because I know it is what she would have wanted. I keep pushing myself harder and harder, and pushing my brothers harder as well. I can only hope that if I push them to train, they will be able to make up for my failures as a big brother and a leader, and be able to take care of themselves._

Raph swallowed hard, frightened by the sadness and hopelessness he recognized in his brother's writing. Raph managed to turn the page and came to another entry.

_7/4/07_

_I don't know how much more I can take of this life. I had originally thought that __returning home to my family would help me mend some of the wounds that I had sustained while in Central America, but my feelings of hopelessness and failure have only grown stronger since I have returned home. She haunts me every waking and sleeping moment. I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes threatening to spill over. I have gotten into the habit of running every morning, pushing myself until I am physically unable to cry. My family has just assumed I can't get enough exercise, and that is a relief. I can't speak of her, especially not to them. I have never experienced loss like this before. I cannot escape the grief, and it is killing me slowly from the inside. And to make matters worse, I feel like I am losing my family as well. Mikey is becoming less responsive to me, almost as though he is losing any respect he ever had for me, and who could blame him? Donny is about the same with me as he was when I returned, and I don't know exactly if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But Raph, Raph has decided to challenge me every change he gets. Things had gotten better for awhile after Winters, but that was months ago, and now he comes at me harder than ever. I think he senses my weakness which spurs him on to fight me harder. He truly resents me and everything that I do. Every time I want them to train I get a hard time, and every time I nag on them about their safety, I push them further away. Even though I know that every time I do these things I lose them more, I can't bring myself to stop. I am terrified about failing them, and I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot lose them like I lost her. And so I continue to push and I continue to nag, knowing that every word I say to them causes them to dislike me more and more. Waking up in the morning is getting harder and harder to do, but I must, as they are now my sole purpose for continuing on. As long as they need me and as long as I can try and protect them I will continue on, though every day I feel like I am suffocating more in my own grief and sense of failure. I am a failure, I know that now, but my last purpose in life is to make sure they are not, and to make sure they will be able to live on. I feel like I am locked in my own body, screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but no one can hear me. I am invisible, a shell of what I once was._

It was getting harder for Raph to continue reading the hopeless words of his brother. He had always thought Leo was the strongest of them all. To read of him in such a vulnerable and weakened state of mind chilled Raph to the core. He was starting to really worry about the damage he had done to his brother by saying those last words to him, those three horrible words. Leo had already been sinking, had Raph pushed his head further under?

He sighed and turned the page and realized he had made it to the last entry in the diary. It was short, the writing shaky and unsure. Raph looked at the date and realized Leo had only written it about two weeks ago. He took a deep breath, determined to finish what he had started.

_7/16/07_

_I can't remember what I'm doing, or why I'm lying here tonight. I can't stand the __pain any longer and no matter what I do I can't make it go away. How could this have happened to me? How could my life have taken such a turn for the worse. I would have never guessed in a million years that this is where I'd be at my young age, feeling my urge to keep going dwindling as each morning rises. I feel like I'm fading away into the night, and one morning I will have disappeared into nothingness. I'm slipping off the edge, barely hanging by the smallest thread. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do has meaning and nothing in my life brings me happiness anymore. I can only hope that soon this will all be over, and there will be no more pain._

Raph let out a bellowing scream, angry at his own blindness to his brother's deep depression. He had never realized that Leo had returned from Central America drowning in his own feelings of loss. His brother was either a master actor or the family had not paid enough attention. Raph had a feeling he knew which of the two it was. He and the rest of the family had failed Leo. They had beaten his battered spirit time and time again, and Raph feared deep down that his final words to his brother had finally broken him. He suddenly felt a red hot rage taking over. Rage at his family and rage at himself for failing to see how much their brother was suffering. They were all selfishly caught up in their own worlds and as a result their oldest brother had been drowning right before their eyes, and none of them had tossed him a rope, and had possibly pushed him further under.

Raph was suddenly on his feet, making his way back down to the basement, his vision blurred with rage and grief. As he stumbled to the bottom of the stairs, he took the book and chucked it as hard as he could across the room with a loud growl.

The other two turtles both stopped what they were doing to stare at their raging brother. Splinter eyed him cautiously, unsure of what had caused this blind anger in his son. Raph let out another angry growl and threw a pile of old boxes to the floor, causing them to hit with a loud crash.

"Raphael!" Splinter yelled, standing up and ready to intervene.

"We failed him!" He yelled, grabbing another stack of boxes and throwing them to the ground, their contents shattering on the floor. "He was drowning in front of our very eyes and we were too caught up with ourselves to even notice!"

"What are you talking about?" Don asked, standing protectively between his raging brother and his injured one, unsure of what Raph was going to do next.

"I read it. I read it all!" Raph yelled, pointing to the black book that lay discarded on the floor. "He was deeply depressed when he came home from that damn jungle, deeply depressed, and all we did was give him a hard time. We broke him!"

Splinter cautiously made his way to the book Raph was pointing at, opening it to the front cover and realizing immediately what it was.

"Raphael, where did you get this?" Splinter whispered, staring at the black cover.

"I found it in Leo's bedroom the night…the night we were gathering stuff to bring here." Raph explained, his chest heaving in and out with each pained breath. "And I know I shouldn't have read it, but I did. And I'm glad I did. There was so much he didn't tell us, so much we didn't know about him." Raph suddenly felt the anger begin to leave his body and he slowly sank to the floor. "He was depressed sensei, and we broke him."

Splinter looked at his son, then back at the book. What Leo had written in here had obviously disturbed Raphael deeply. "Read it." Raph said, his voice barely above a whisper now. "Read it and you will understand."


	11. Reunited

Thank you so much everyone for the kind reviews.

* * *

Over the next couple of days reading Leonardo's journal is exactly what the family did. Splinter at first was unsure if reading it was the right course of action. His son, after all, did deserve his privacy. But after thinking on Raphael's dramatic reaction to what had been written, he had decided it would be the right thing to do to read Leonardo's thoughts and gain a better understanding of the depression Raphael had described.

He had asked Donatello to read it first. He knew his mild mannered son would not overreact to the words in the diary and had wanted to first gage if what was inside the journal was as serious as Raphael had made it seem before he himself broke into his son's private thoughts. Donatello had read the book quickly, and on seeing his intelligent son's face after finishing, he knew that Raphael had not overreacted, and that what was in those pages was serious indeed.

Michelangelo had wanted to read it next, his curious nature taking hold and concern for his oldest brother raging, but Splinter had felt that it was imperative that he read it next. If there was something seriously wrong with his son's mind, he needed to know about it.

And so he had begun reading the private thoughts of his oldest son. With each page turned, Splinter's worry grew more and more as he took in the pain, grief, and tragedy his child had experienced in the past year. There was no doubt his son had fallen into a deep depression as long ago as before he left for training, and had still been in one as recently as two weeks before.

Splinter was deeply troubled that he had not noticed this about his eldest child. He had sent Leonardo away for leadership training, reading his son's actions after the Shredder as stemming from a restless mind that was itching to further his education and training. He knew now that Leonardo's anger and endless training before sending him away had not stemmed from restlessness, but from a deep dissatisfaction with himself and from his fear of letting his family down.

Splinter now realized that what Leonardo had needed was not to be sent away, but to be comforted and reassured by his family around him. But Splinter had made a grave mistake and had done just the opposite, sent him away to wallow further in his own feelings of imperfection alone. Not only that but he had also caused his relationship with his brothers to be alienated further by sending him away without good explanation. Leonardo had returned from his training with the weight of the world on his shoulders and had come home to a bitter family that was unresponsive to his needs. And so it seemed his response was to curl up deeper within himself, dealing with his burning grief and insecurities on his own. Splinter could not deny that this was all his fault.

But what Splinter had found most shocking was the girl. His eldest son had fallen in love during his trip to Central America, and had lost it. He had seen the picture of the young girl and she had been beautiful. Leonardo had spoken of her in every entry, and he had even said that he loved her. But what had been the most shocking and amazing was that she had returned the love. The girl had been able to see past Leonardo's turtle form and fall for him. Splinter sighed softly, only imagining the deep grief his son must have suffered in losing his first and only love. Splinter's heart broke for his son's loss.

Splinter then gasped slightly, remembering a time about six months ago.

_Flashback_

_Splinter sat very still upon his soft maroon pillows that littered his room, his eyes were softly closed, his mouth slack with a deep relaxation. His breaths came slow and deep causing the only sound that was emitting from the motionless rat. The few large candles lit around him flickered light softly across his body, illuminating him in a soft glow that barely filled the room. Another deep breath was taken, and Splinter's mind reached farther._

_A loud crash and irritated yelling was suddenly heard down the hall, rousing the rat from his deep meditative state. He opened his eyes and narrowed them, wondering what troubles his younger sons were getting themselves into. There was suddenly a deep pang in his heart as he thought of his oldest son, who had been gone for months, and who he missed deeply. _

_The family had just received a letter from him about two weeks before. He had said he was doing well, that he had been keeping busy, and that he was hoping to return soon. This news had brought much joy to everyone in the family. Splinter could even see a flash of relief and a hint of a smile cross Raphael's face, who had barely spoken of Leonardo at all since he had left. Splinter knew that Raphael missed his brother very much, though his tough skinned son would never admit it._

_The shouts in the other room slowly drifted away as a temporary peace seemed to take hold of the lair once more. Splinter once again closed his eyes and took another slow, deep breath. His mind once again began to relax and reach far into nothingness. He hoped that this meditation session might bring him feelings of his child abroad. A few times when Splinter had been able to completely relax, he had thought he felt his son near him, he wondered if Leonardo could feel him too._

_Suddenly an agonized scream filled his ears and resounded through his head. Splinter's heart went cold and he tried to hold onto his state of meditation, not wanting to lose the connection to the pained being. A heart wrenching sob then echoed through his mind and Splinter could no longer keep his concentration and hold on. He opened his eyes and found himself lying on his back, his breaths coming quick and heavy, his fur wet with sweat. _

_He sat up quickly as a deep fear grabbed his heart. He had known that scream, he had known that sob. Somewhere far away from him, where Splinter could not reach him, Leonardo was suffering._

_His body began to shake as fear and worry overtook him. He had an overwhelming desire to try and get to Central America, he needed to protect his child. But after a second of thought Splinter knew the attempt would be futile. There was no way he would find his child in those jungles. He didn't even know exactly what country Leonardo had ended up in. _

_A great feeling of helplessness took hold of him and Splinter allowed his face to fall in his hands, wet tears snaking their way silently down his cheeks. He would not tell his other sons about this, they worried enough for Leonardo already. But Splinter could not stop wondering if he had sent his precious Leonardo to his death, and if his family would ever see him again._

_End of Flashback_

It was after that the letters had stopped coming. Months had passed since that last correspondence and no more had made it to them. Splinter had begun to truly fear his son was dead. But then Leonardo had returned, miraculously uninjured and in one piece. Splinter had let the incident slip from his mind, relieved that Leonardo had been fine. But now, he realized he knew what the pain filled scream had been about. It had been in that moment that Leonardo had suffered the biggest emotional blow of his young life. Leonardo had returned to him physically unharmed, but mentally and emotionally Leonardo had been broken, and Splinter had failed to see it.

Splinter felt tears rising to his eyes as he gazed longingly at his son, who had made no further signs of recovery for days. It was no wonder he was depressed. He had suffered so many losses and disappointments which had only been worsened by his family's misunderstandings of him. None of them had ever known he had any other talents besides ninjitsu. None of them had been able to see through his strong façade and see the lost, suffering boy behind it. Splinter had failed his son on so many levels, and he hated himself for it.

"Oh, Leonardo." He said, his voice shaking with immense guilt. "You did not fail anyone. On the contrary, your deep love for everyone and everything around you has led you to the greatest successes, my son. It is I who have failed you, and for that I am so sorry."

His words were met with silence. He took a deep, shuddering breath, allowing tears to fall down his furry cheeks. He glanced slowly around the empty basement, taking comfort in receiving a few moments to himself to dwell on his son. April and Casey had taken the boys out again, and this time Splinter had been able to convince Raphael to join them. Ever since Raphael had finished reading the book a deeper feeling of guilt had taken hold of his son, stronger than it had been before. Splinter feared for Raphael, seeing his son falling into depression as well, just as his older brother had. Splinter felt like he was losing control of his family. How had he gone so wrong?

He sighed and turned his head back to his son. He looked down upon the small cat that lay on top of Leonardo's plastron. He suddenly began to understand the draw that his son and the cat had. They were both tortured souls, mistreated in some way by life that should have been so easy for ones so young. He had a feeling that Hope sensed this in his child and had been drawn to him because of this. 'Hope' purred softly next to him, rubbing her tiny face over Leonardo's fingers--which were moving again.

Splinter's heart leapt and he moved to Leonardo's face, looking for any sign that Leonardo may be awakening.

"Leonardo, my son." Splinter choked out, tears still streaming from his eyes. "Leonardo, please, my child. Come back to me. We need you. My son, follow my voice and come back to your family who loves you…"

* * *

He was floating gently in complete darkness, painless and free. He wasn't sure where he was. Was he dead? He honestly didn't know. But he felt comforted, the darkness was beckoning him back, promising safety and no more pain. He reached toward it, feeling the soothing blackness begin to swallow him.

But then he felt a warm, comforting presence around him causing him to hesitate. It was the same presence he had felt before, but for some reason it felt closer than before. It was small and unthreatening. There was no judgment or ill feelings from the warm being sharing the darkness with him. He reached his hand out to touch it, but it seemed just out of reach. He looked back to the darkness longingly, but turned his back to it, following the unseen presence, pushing himself further. As he moved, pain began to ebb at the edge of his mind and he hesitated. It hurt to go this way. Before he was painless and comforted, but now he was unsure. He was about to turn back when the warm presence he felt before surrounded him again, promising safety and urging him forward. He took a deep breath and continued to move toward it again, the pain becoming greater, but he was able to try and ignore it. As he moved he heard a rumble, it almost sounded like purring. He stretched his hand out once again to try and reach out for comfort from the light ahead, but once again was met with nothing.

Then a distant voice, a very familiar and comforting voice surrounded him. He knew that voice, but how? Who was it? He could not remember, but a feeling of great safety and love took hold of him and he felt a dire need to be closer to it. He could hear words being formed but he couldn't make them out. Once again he moved forward, feeling a great need to be near the voice. Suddenly there was a flash of light. He let out a gasp as pain greater than he could ever remember feeling took hold. He struggled to open his eyes but found himself unable.

"Leonardo, my son. Open your eyes." A voice nearby said. It was the same voice, but now it was much closer and clearer. He tried to push away the pain and once again open his eyes. "Come on, child. You are strong. Open your eyes and come back to me." The voice spoke. He felt deeply comforted and relaxed a bit, then tried once again to open his eyes, and immediately regretted it as bright searing light blinded him. It only lasted a second, because the light was suddenly blocked out by a figure looming over him.

"Welcome back, my son." The teary voice said.

* * *

Splinter gazed at his son's deep brown eyes with great relief and love. His son seemed lost and disoriented and in pain, but he was definitely there, awake, and looking at him.

"Leonardo." Splinter choked, emotion overwhelming him as he looked into the eyes he never thought he would see again. Suddenly his son seemed to notice the tube that was placed in his throat. His hand weakly moved to his mouth, his eyes filled with fear.

"Leonardo, it's ok." Splinter said, trying to calm him. Leonardo desperately grabbed at the tube in a panic, trying to pull it from his throat, and Splinter had to grab his son's good hand and carefully pull it away, and was surprised at how easy it was to do. Leonardo looked over at him with fearful eyes that broke Splinter's heart. "Leonardo, you must calm down. I am here, you are safe."

Leonardo's eyes seemed to calm slightly. Splinter suddenly felt tears spilling over his eyes once again, his body filled with overwhelmed relief at seeing his son looking at him, awake. "Oh, Leonardo." He whispered, putting a clawed hand on his son's cheek. "I was beginning to think you were lost." He felt a deep need to hold his son and leaned over, wrapping his arms around his child's body, pulling him close. "Oh, how I love you, my child. I love you so much." Splinter found he could no longer hold back the sobs he had been holding in for so long and he began to cry softly into his son's shoulder. He felt a weak hand grasp onto his robes and he held his son closer, unable to let go.

Splinter didn't know how long they remained like that, but when he raised his head, he saw his son staring back at him, his eyes moist as well. He carefully wiped the tears from Leonardo's eyes, then wiped them from his own, giving his child a reassuring smile.

He saw Leonardo's eyes wander to the small cat that had made her way up his plastron and was now sitting near his face, looking at him with her wide green eyes, purring loudly. Realization shone softly in his features as he stared at the small animal, realizing it was this that had coaxed him back from the dark. 'Hope' then leaned in closer and softly licked Leonardo's nose with her textured tongue. Splinter smiled warmly as he watched his son wrinkle his nose slightly, but could almost imagine a smile on his child's face under the ventilator.

He looked back at his son's face, and could see that Leonardo's eyes were beginning to drift shut. He knew Leonardo was still very weak and needed rest. He laid his hand back on Leonardo's forehead lovingly. "Go to sleep, child." He whispered soothingly. "I will still be here when you awake again. All will be well."

Leonardo slowly let his eyes slide shut. Before he let himself succumb to sleep, he weakly reached his hand out and grabbed for his father's. Splinter took it quickly and held it tight as he watched his son's body once again relax and enter the world of sleep.

Splinter lost track of all time as he sat there next to his son, grasping his hand and looking at the sleeping face with happiness flooding his features. He was dragged out of his thoughts when he heard the heavy footsteps of his sons returning from their night out. Donatello wasted no time in coming over to Splinter's side and putting his hands to his brother's neck.

"How is he?" Donny asked, already expecting the same answer as always. When he didn't receive one he looked at his father, seeing a large smile across his features and tears once again forming in his eyes. "What happened?"

It only took a few seconds for the other boys to join Donatello at Splinter's side. Splinter smiled at each of them, taking a deep breath. "He woke up." He said, his smile growing wider.

"Leo woke up!?" Mikey exclaimed. The largest smile he had sported in days crossed his face and he jumped over to the stairs. "April, Casey, Leo woke up! He woke up!"

"When?" Don asked excitedly.

"I don't know how long, but not too long ago." Splinter answered.

Raph's expression was unreadable. He looked torn, happy and relieved that his brother had shown signs of life, but upset that he hadn't been here. "I shoulda been here." Raph said softly. "I can't believe I left."

"It is well, Raphael." Splinter said softly. "Your brother was not alone. I was here. He was very disoriented and overwhelmed. It was probably for the best. Hopefully he will not make us wait too long before waking up again." Raphael didn't look convinced, but nodded.

"I need to call Sarah!" Don said, rushing to the phone. "She needs to know about this!"

"He woke up, he woke up, he woke up!" Mikey repeated over and over in the background. Splinter laughed loudly, his son's excitement infectious. Yes, his Leonardo had woken up. He was getting better physically, and hopefully, with the help of his family, they would all be able to mend him and themselves.

* * *

It was another day before Leonardo found the strength to open his eyes again. Sarah had come down that next morning, excitement in her voice that Leo had woken up. She had told them that the next time he woke up, she didn't care where she was, she wanted to be informed so she and Donny could examine him.

The rest of the family had not left Leo's side since returning the night before, all of them anxious to be there when their brother woke again. It was nearing evening when he had once again shown signs of life. Don had been the one to notice, seeing his brother's eyes fluttering and his hand once again moving over the soft coat of the orange tabby.

"Leo!" Donny had shouted, bringing his brother's movement to the attention of the rest of the family. Mikey, who had been dozing lightly in the old arm chair, had been startled so badly he had flipped backward in the chair, landing ungracefully on his carapace. It only took him a few seconds to regain his composure and jump up to his feet, hovering closely over his brother. Raph, in the excitement, had been pushed back behind Mikey, his eyes wide with anticipation, but made no movement closer.

Leo, on hearing Donny's excited voice, managed to get his eyes to open once again. The bright lights from the ceiling above once again blinded him and he squinted painfully. Donny quickly realized what was bothering him and moved into the path of the light, blocking it from his brother's sensitive eyes.

"Leo!" Mikey shouted, a smile plastered on his face. "Oh man, dude, you had us so worried!" He then moved toward his brother and wrapped him in a big hug. Leo's eyes showed surprise, but only for a moment. He relaxed into Mikey's embrace, feeling comforted by his loving younger brother. When Mikey had finally let go, Leo moved his eyes quickly to find his father, reaching out for him once he had found him standing not far away.

"I'm here, my son." Splinter said soothingly.

Donny moved away to call Sarah and inform her that Leo was awake. After assuring Donny that she would be there in a few minutes, Donny quickly hung up the phone and returned to his brother's side. "How are you feeling, bro?" He asked anxiously, looking at Leo with a scrutinizing gaze, trying to find any hint that something was wrong. Leo reached up weakly and touched the tube that was in his mouth, indicating he couldn't answer. Donny turned red with embarrassment. "Sorry, Leo, I forgot."

A few minutes later the basement door flew open and Sarah made her way quickly down the stairs, her stethoscope in hand. The other turtles moved aside at seeing her come in, knowing she would have to examine their brother. She came to Leo's side and smiled at him. "It's good to see you awake." She said in a bright voice.

Leo looked at her uncertainly, fear crossing his eyes. He turned his head, looking for his father's reassurance that this unknown person was safe. Splinter squeezed his son's hand tighter in reassurance. "It's ok, my son. This is Dr. Smith. She has been helping Donatello care for you. She is only here to help." Leo slowly turned his gaze back to her, still uncertain, but trusting his father. He let his body relax slightly.

"I'm going to listen to your heart and chest now, ok?" Sarah said, looking for Leo's approval to move forward. When he nodded weakly, she moved forward, listening. Everything seemed to be working normally. She wanted to get that tube out of his mouth for his own comfort and to get his lungs working on their own again. His lungs seemed clear.

"Don, I think we are going to try and remove this tube for him." Sarah said. Donny let a large smile cross his face and moved over to help.

"Are you sure?" Mikey asked meekly. "What if he can't breathe again like last time?"

"Then we'll put it back. But we have to let him try." Sarah explained. She then moved over to Leo. "Are you feeling up to this?" She asked, trying to gage how he felt. His eyes looked a bit frightened, but he nodded, resolution entering his eyes. "Alright, let's do this."

"You need to hold really still, ok Leo?" Donny said in his soothing, quiet voice. Leo nodded again, showing he understood. He reached out again for Splinter's hand, who took it again, offering his reassurance.

Sarah took a deep breath, then grabbed the base of the tube. "Ready?" She asked. Leo just looked back at her uncertainly. She took that as a yes. She quickly pulled the tube, letting it slide carefully out of his throat. Leo gagged roughly as she removed it, grabbing Splinter's hand tighter. He returned the squeeze.

Once the tube was out, the room was silent. Leo's face was twisted in pain and fear as he tried to get his body to obey him and take a breath. His lungs were burning. His hand grabbed Splinter's tighter and his body began to squirm as his body screamed for oxygen.

"Come on Leonardo, you can do this." Splinter murmured softly to his son's ear. "Relax, concentrate, you can do this."

Another agonizing few seconds went by without a response. Mikey began to show panic in his voice. "He isn't breathing!" he exclaimed. "Put it back!"

Sarah was making a move to do so, but Splinter held up his hand. "Give him another second." He said firmly. "Come on, my son. Breathe with me. In and out. Just breathe."

Finally Leo made a pained gasping sound, his underused lungs beginning to kick into action. He choked and gasped, taking another rattling breath. All around him his brothers cheered happily, but he could only concentrate on taking another pained breath, and another.

"Good, Leonardo, good." He heard Splinter say encouragingly from his side. Each new breath seemed to come a little easier, and soon he was breathing more easily on his own, the burning in his chest beginning to subside. His throat was dry and swollen and his entire body hurt, but he was free of that tube and breathing on his own. Leo let a weak smile cross his face. He didn't feel like he could speak yet, and the effort he exerted in taking his first breaths on his own in days had left him feeling drained and tired. He glanced slowly at his youngest brother's face who was now sitting right next to him, tears brimming his eyes. He wanted to say comforting words to Mikey and tell him not to worry about him, but he couldn't find the energy to speak.

Suddenly Mikey wrapped his arms around his brother once again, holding Leo tightly to his body. "I love you, Leo." He murmured softly into Leo's ear. Leo felt tears threatening to fall as he melted into his brother's loving embrace. He raised the one arm he could move and wrapped it weakly around his brother, trying to return the hug.

He suddenly felt another body wrapping his arms around him and looked to his other side and saw Donny looming over him, also pulling him into a hug. He closed his eyes and relished in his brothers presence. "I love you too, Leo." Donny said softly. He felt drops of water on his face and looked up and saw Donny's eyes moist with tears. He wondered vaguely where Raph was, but his mind was beginning to shut down and his body relaxing into sleep. It wasn't long before Leo's body went limp, falling into sleep, still being held by the loving arms of his brothers.

Raph watched the teary reunion of his family from the sidelines. He wanted so badly to join in, to hug Leo and say the things he had wanted to say for days, but he found himself rooted to the spot, his mouth dry, his mind unable to come up with words.

So he watched with moist eyes and relief as his brother took his first shuddering breaths on his own, and as his other brothers made their feelings known. He wished desperately that feelings came that easily for him, but when he made the move to step forward, something stopped him, and he took a step back, frustrated with himself for being so weak.

When Mikey and Don had finally stepped away from their brother, he was asleep once again. It was such a relief to see him laying there, taking breaths on his own. Raph stayed away a few moments longer as Sarah and Don moved around Leo, checking him over and making sure he was healing physically.

Once activity began to clear around his brother, Raph up righted the seat Mikey had knocked over earlier in his excitement, and sat down, looking regretfully over at Leo. He had had his chance to say everything he had dreamed of saying to Leo since the accident, but like a chump, he had frozen up and had been unable to find the words.

Raph sighed and took his brother's hand. Leo was on the mend. His body was beginning to physically heal. There would be plenty of time for him to talk to his older brother. Today would be Mikey and Donny's day, the next time, he would say everything he needed to.

He looked up toward Leo's face and saw 'Hope' making her way up Leo's plastron and curling up lightly next to Leo's face on his pillow. He didn't know what it was about this cat that kept awakening something in his brother, but he couldn't help but be thankful for the small creature. He reached his hand out and 'Hope' purred softly and rubbed her face lightly on the tip of his finger. Raph smiled and found himself stroking the cat lightly for the first time since she had joined their little group. He found it relaxing, and soon he found himself drifting off into a deep sleep, the first deep sleep he had had for days.


	12. Helpless Frustration

Leo's eyes fluttered open slowly and groggily hours later. He moved his good arm up to his eyes and carefully rubbed them, trying to clear the sleep from the brown orbs so he could see more clearly. He bit back a groan as the small movement caused his body to erupt in pain. Leo took a few fast pained breaths and carefully lowered his arm back to the couch and tried to stay very still to avoid anymore.

He was having a lot of trouble remembering how he had come to be in this situation. Where was this situation? From what Leo could tell, he had never been in this place before. It didn't look like the sewers. His brow knotted in frustration as he tried to figure out what had happened to him. He remembered being on the roof, thinking on the fight he and Raph had. His stomach twisted at the thought of the fight and he quickly pushed it from his mind. Then there was the SOS, he had run off to help his brothers. Leo thought harder, trying to recall everything from his memory.

There was a soft coo next to him, and he turned his head slightly and saw the small orange tabby cat from before lying on his pillow next to his head. She was looking at him with calculating eyes, her bushy tail twitching softly across his neck, tickling his skin. Leo smiled and decided to chance moving his arm to stroke the cat. He had realized, not long after awakening the first time, that the presence in his mind that had pulled him from his world of darkness had been her. He didn't know how she had gotten through to him, or what it meant, but he just knew it was her. She had been an unthreatening and unbiased presence in his mind and somehow that had coaxed him out of the darkness.

Her presence was still a large comfort to him, almost as it had been in his mind. He closed his eyes and felt her face rub lightly on his nose. All of the disturbing thoughts of how he had gotten here disappeared from his mind as he focused his attention on the orange cat next to his head. As the soft hair from her tail brushed lightly across his face, Leo's mind began to drift to thoughts of Isabel. Her face suddenly flooded his thoughts and he drew a long shuddering breath in response to a pain that was anything but physical. He let his eyes close and tried to swallow the lump forming in his sore throat. Now was not the time to lose it. One concerned meow from the small animal next to him brought him back to the present and the pain ebbed slightly. He smiled thankfully at the cat and continued to pet her soft head, taking comfort in her presence.

"Leonardo." A soft voice said from his side. Leo gingerly moved his head, and over the fur of the tabby he was able to make out his father's face looking at him with concern. He tried to say something, but his throat was dry and it came out more as a croak. He swallowed hard, trying to clear it. Splinter seemed to understand what was the matter and rushed off to get him a glass of water. When he returned, he tenderly lifted Leo's head from the pillow and gently held the cup to his lips, allowing Leo to drink at his own pace. Leo closed his eyes in bliss as he felt the cold water run down his irritated throat. When he was finished, his throat felt much better.

"Thank you," he said softly, his underused voice barely above a whisper.

"Your welcome, son." Splinter said, a smile on his face. Leo watched his father, realizing for the first time how much older he looked. It looked like Splinter had lost weight, and his eyes were dark around the edges, and there was graying hair where there was none before. Leo wondered what had happened to bring such stress to his father. It didn't take him long to realize it was probably him.

"Sensei, I'm sorry." He apologized thickly.

"What ever for?" Splinter asked, surprised.

"I…I have burdened all of you." Leo said weakly, averting his gaze.

Splinter watched Leonardo with a troubled expression. He could see the hints of depression in his son's eyes as clear as day. How could he have missed them before? Now Leo was taking a situation that was not even his fault and using it to add to his own burdens and perceived failures. Splinter could not allow that to happen. It would take time to break through his son's mental anguish, but he would not allow him to keep adding to it.

"My son, what has happened here is not your fault." He said, his voice hard and certain. "You came to be here by risking your life to save your brothers. There is nothing to be sorry for. You should be deeply proud of yourself. They are all here and unharmed because of you."

Leo looked at his father, uncertainty still written across his features. Suddenly the memory of the fight with the leader of the Purple Dragons came flooding back to him. He remembered getting his shell kicked, but most importantly he remembered Raph held down, a sword at his neck. He suddenly tried to sit up in a panic, but was hindered by an immense wave of pain in response to his movement. He gasped loudly, trying to catch his breath. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to escape from the intense pain. Splinter grabbed Leo's body lightly and carefully moved him back down to the couch.

"Be careful my son," Splinter said softly. "You are still not well."

"Raph," Leo managed through gasps. "Is he ok? He was being held. I tried…is he ok?" Leo finished, his breath coming quickly, worry deep in his eyes.

"He is well." Splinter said, trying to calm his son. He turned and pointed a furry finger in the direction of a large old chair only a few feet away. Leo took a deep relieved breath as he saw his red clad brother curled up in the beaten chair, fast asleep, snoring softly. His body began to relax and he sank back into the cushions of the couch. His eyes were still clouded with pain, but it felt lessened now that he knew all of his brothers were ok. He remembered his reunion with Mikey and Donny the day before, and it warmed his heart. But Raph hadn't been there, did that mean he still hated him? He glanced again at his sleeping brother and found his breath hitch.

Splinter put his paw lightly on his son's forehead. He saw the pained expression cross Leonardo's face as he looked at Raphael. He hoped Raphael would speak to his brother soon, but in the mean time Splinter felt the need to lessen Leonardo's suffering.

"Raphael doesn't hate you, Leonardo." He said softly. Leo's head shot up, looking at his father in shock. Splinter always seemed able to read their minds. "He said those words brashly and unthinking. He has regretted them every moment of every day since."

Leo started at his father's words. "Every day?" he asked softly. "How long have I been out?"

"Seven days." Splinter said softly. He could probably even spout off how many hours, minutes, possibly even seconds his son had been unresponsive to them, but held his tongue.

Leo stared off into space for a moment in horror. "Seven days…" he whispered. He swallowed hard, his hand instinctively going to the small cat who was at his side, trying to gain some comfort.

"You were badly injured." Splinter explained, trying again to relieve some of his son's burden. "Your body had to heal." Leonardo didn't answer, he just continued to stare at the ceiling, his hand still softly moving across the cat's soft fur. He felt his chest constrict painfully. He had been a burden on his family for seven days?

"Leonardo, do not blame yourself." Splinter said firmly, pulling his son's face so that their eyes met. "It was not your fault and you have not been a burden to any one of us. It is no less than what you would have done for any of us."

Leonardo swallowed hard and nodded, pulling his head away from his father's hand and letting his eyes drift away. Splinter sighed softly, still seeing the blame his son insisted on carrying on his shoulders. He needed to bring up the journal soon and have a long talk with his son about everything, but seeing the fatigue in his child's eyes drove away his resolve to do it now. The last thing Leonardo needed now was to be bombarded. He would have to wait until his son grew stronger before he forced him to face his feelings and counseled him on his depression.

"Why don't you rest." He said reluctantly. He did not want to leave his son, but he felt that Leonardo may need time with his thoughts.

"I've rested enough." Leonardo said bitterly, but immediately regretted it when he saw Splinter flinch at the harshness of his words. He sighed, then nodded. He wanted to be alone for awhile anyway. He watched as Splinter raised himself from the chair and slowly moved away from his side. His entire being burned with shame at causing his family so much trouble. He glanced to his side and saw Mikey and Donny fast asleep on the floor wrapped in blankets he recognized from their beds at home. Leo sighed, suddenly wishing his life would have ended when he was dragged out of that window.

A quiet purring next to his ear pulled him from his dark thoughts and he looked over, seeing the small cat looking at him, her face right up to his as if reading his thoughts. He found himself smiling despite himself. She sniffed him softly and nuzzled her cheek to his. He once again was filled with a rush of warmth and calm, emotions he hadn't felt since Isabel had died. His throat once again swelled up as he thought of her, as it did every time. He found he was still unable to think of her without feeling a deep grief begin to drown him. He missed her so much he felt he couldn't breathe. Before he knew it he felt tears snake their way down his cheeks and he quickly pulled his hand to his eyes and wiped them away, ashamed of himself. Why couldn't he move on?

He felt a rough tongue on his cheek and saw the small tabby softly licking the salty tears from his face. She looked back at him and nudged him lightly. He could almost imagine her feeling his grief. The overwhelming feelings of loss began to slowly fade as he looked into the soft, caring eyes of the orange cat. He didn't know why this small creature was able to calm him so easily, but he felt a deep comfort whenever she was around. He sighed contentedly as she rubbed her face across his skin and he began to stroke her fur softly, his eyes slowly drifting shut.

* * *

"Mikey, I swear I'm going to kill you!" Raph boomed from the far corner in the basement.

"Ha! You've been saying that for years, Raphie." Mikey yelled, not even looking away from his video game. Raph let out a deep annoyed growl at the use of his childhood nickname and dove after Mikey on the couch. Mike let out a yelp, throwing the controller and escaping the wrath of his brother by mere inches causing Raph to land unceremoniously onto the couch.

Mikey let out an amused laugh. "Graceful, Raph. I bet you could make the Olympic gymnastic team…aack!" His words were choked off by his body being tackled to the ground.

"Where did you put my bike magazines?!" Raph yelled as he wrapped Mikey into a headlock, trying to pin him to the floor.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Mikey choked through his brother's hold, but no one could miss the bright glint in his eye and the smile playing on his face.

Casey stood not far away laughing at the brothers' wrestling match at his feet, holding the latest version of Cosmo magazine. He looked at it again and snorted in amusement. As entertaining as it would be to learn '97 ways to please your man' he had been hoping to be looking at a new part for his bike that Raph had found in his latest bike magazine.

When Raph had grabbed the magazine and thrust it at him to see the bike part, not even glancing at the cover, Casey had been slightly surprised to be looking at a quiz asking him if he 'Made Men Melt', and the following 20 questions that would apparently answer that question. It didn't take Raph long to surmise what had happened after Casey had awkwardly handed the magazine back to his red clad friend with a smirk, asking him if there was something he, Casey, needed to know about him. It wasn't long before Raph had leapt into action.

"I swear Mikey," Raph pushed out, his anger lacing every word. "I want that magazine back."

"I…don't…know…what you're…talking about!" Mikey wheezed, whether from lack of air from Raph's headlock or from laughing so hard, no one could tell.

April, from her seat next to Splinter and Leo, watched the scene and rolled her eyes. "Boys." She muttered, turning back to the book she had been reading.

Leo watched from the couch in amusement. There was nothing he could do, still being confined to the small couch, and so he took a spectators role in his brother's argument. His smile was genuine, but behind it was a hint of frustration. How he wished he could get up and step in, or even join into the brotherly rumble. 'Hope', his new constant companion, was perched by his head on his pillow watching the yelling turtles with an annoying twitch in her tail as if their yelling had interrupted the best nap of the year.

It had been a few days since he had first awoken and they had been anything but easy. Though he had been steadily getting some strength back, he was still weak and helpless, even unable to raise himself from the couch he had been kept on for the entirety of his woken hours. On top of his endless fatigue, he felt constant pain, which wasn't surprising after Donny had described to him the injuries he had sustained. From the sound of it he shouldn't even still be alive. His life had become a constant repetition of sleep, exams from his worrying purple clad brother, and idle restlessness. He hated this feeling of helplessness that had taken hold.

Leo was suddenly pulled from his thoughts by a loud bang and looked over to see Raph had tackled Mikey into a pile of boxes.

"Boys!" Splinter suddenly spoke, his voice raised. The fighting immediately stopped and both brothers jerked their heads around to look at their father. "That will be enough." He said, a finality in his voice.

"But Master Splinter, he took my magazine!" Raph said with obvious exasperation. "He's been nothing but a pain in the ass…"

"Language, Raphael." Splinter corrected, his mouth in a tight line but his eyes dancing.

"Sorry, butt, for the past few days and I can't take it anymore!" Raph finished, his cheeks flushed red with frustration. Mikey let out soft laughter from behind him, causing Raph to elbow him in the plastron.

"I wouldn't have to if you weren't so moody all the time." Mikey said in his defense, giving Raph a playful shove. "I mean, someone has to relieve the tension down here before you get wound so tight you explode!"

Raph threw up his hands in frustration, releasing Mikey from his choke hold. "Fine, whatever." He growled, raising himself from the floor and storming off toward the stairs, avoiding Leo's gaze as he walked by his brother's position. "Come on Casey, let's get some air."

Casey looked over at April, as if fishing for approval. She looked back and shrugged. Casey took it as a yes and hurried to follow his friend up the stairs. "Hey, wait up Raph. Don't you wanna finish reading about the top ten new exercise secrets to get the butt you crave??" The growl from the angry turtle above echoed through the room.

"Yeesh." Mikey said, moving back over to the couch to start his game again. "Touchy, huh?"

Splinter sighed and looked at April with exasperation. She smiled back at him and shrugged her shoulders.

Leo sighed softly, his gaze locked on the stairs that his brother had just ascended a few moments before. He hadn't missed the desperate attempt Raph had made to avoid his gaze, or the way his shoulders had stiffened as he walked past. Leo's heart sank and he finally let his sight drop from the stairs.

Raph had been avoiding him the whole time he had been awake, of that there was no doubt. He hadn't said more than a few words to Leo since he had woken up, and when he did speak, his eyes would never meet Leo's. Leo's mouth drew into a line as he remembered his father's reassuring words a few nights back, telling him that Raph didn't hate him at all, but after days of seeming indifference, Leo was beginning to think his father had it all wrong. He once again found himself swallowing back a lump in his throat and found himself wishing he could have a few moments of peace.

* * *

Splinter watched his injured son out of the corner of his eye. He knew Raphael's silence was killing Leonardo inside every day it went on. He could not figure out why Raphael had yet to tell his brother everything he had confessed to his father before. He knew feelings came hard for his hot headed son, but he had hoped that Raphael would have found the courage to speak his mind to his older brother and put his mind to rest. Splinter feared for Leonardo deeply after reading the thoughts and experiences his son had written in the pages of that seemingly harmless black book, and Raphael's silence was not helping Leonardo's path to recovery.

Splinter, or any of his son's, had still not found the courage to broach the subject of Leonardo's journal. He could see the others always watching their eldest brother out of the corner of their eyes as if he were a fragile figuring tottering on the edge of a tall bookshelf. But though they worried for him, none had been able to confess to their intrusion of Leonardo's privacy. Splinter knew it would have to be done eventually. The only way to heal Leonardo's mind was to bring his smoldering feelings to the surface and allow them to be freed, and in that wake show him nothing but endless support.

Splinter sighed, not looking forward to revealing to his son that they knew all of his deepest and most hidden thoughts. 'I hope you can forgive us.' Splinter thought as he gazed at his unsuspecting son. 'I hope you can forgive us all and allow us to help you heal.'

* * *

"Leo, just let me help you."

"I can do it. Stop being a nursemaid."

"I will stop being a nursemaid when you stop being so stubborn!" Donny sighed in exasperation as he watched his injured brother fumble with his thin soup that April had prepared for him. Leo was being endlessly stubborn, insisting he could feed himself as his shaking hand dripped soup down both himself and Donny. 'Well, at least some of the old Leo is coming back.' Don thought to himself with a small smirk.

Leo once again tried to lift the trembling spoon up to his mouth, but only succeeded in dumping more down himself. 'Hope' let out a small growl as some of the hot soup dripped on her tail.

"Damn it!" Leo shouted suddenly, his frustration at the situation coming to the surface.

"Leo, here, let me help." Donny pleaded, trying to take the spoon back from his brother's good hand.

"No!" Leo exclaimed, throwing the spoon across the room. He couldn't stand his helplessness anymore. He couldn't stand the smothering and the constant mothering. He couldn't stand the pitying looks he got every day. He couldn't stand it! "Just, leave me alone!" he pushed out, his pride burning deep. He regretted the harshness in his words the second he said them as he saw the hurt flash quickly across Donny's gaze. God, he hated himself. "Please…," he pleaded, his voice becoming soft. "I just need to be alone."

Don could do nothing but nod and comply. He was slightly shocked at his brother's sudden outburst. It was very unLeo like which further reminded him of his brother's hidden feelings. Donny was always great at fixing anything mechanical, and had even gotten competent at fixing medical problems too. But problems of the mind-he was clueless on how to make his brother feel better and be happy again. He looked over at Splinter and April who had been quiet through the short exchange.

"Come Donatello." Splinter said, rising from his chair. He put his hand lightly on Don's shoulder and led him away from Leo's side. Leo couldn't bring himself to look at them after his childish outburst. He felt a soft hand lay on his shoulder but refused to move his head in the direction. He heard soft footsteps as they moved away from his side and across the room. He wasn't alone, he never would be as long as he was shut up in this small basement, but it was something.

Leo shifted slightly, hissing as he rolled weight onto his casted arm. He clenched his teeth in utter frustration at his situation. He was nothing but a burden to his family and a disgrace to himself. He couldn't even feed himself. He felt his cheeks burn with shame. He couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't stand all of the pity he got from his father and Don. He couldn't stand the suffocating hate he felt from Raph. He couldn't stand the shame of April and Casey seeing him like this.

God, he missed her so much. There was something about the way she cared for him when he was sick that never made him feel like he was helpless. She never looked at him with pity or hate. Even in her final, dying moments the only look she gave him was one of pure admiration and, if he dared believe it, love.

He wanted her back so badly it took his breath away. He began to feel tears threaten to rise to the surface and quickly swallowed them back, taking deep breaths in an effort to control his emotions. Being stuck in this basement with nothing but boredom for company left him with no way to escape his bubbling grief. Normally when he felt the cold tendrils begin to wrap around his heart he would take it out on a punching bag, or run himself until he no longer felt the burning emotion, but here there was no escape.

He heard a soft meow next to his ear and Leo clenched his teeth. Apparently 'Hope' didn't get the hint that he wanted to be alone.

"Go away." He muttered. The cat moved down from the pillow and onto his plastron. Leo scowled at the furry creature and shoved her lightly from him, hearing her padded feet hit the floor below. He suddenly felt that familiar feeling of guilt taking hold as he realized he had just pushed his strongest source of comfort these past few days onto the floor. Why was he constantly pushing everyone and everything away?

He suddenly felt pressure on his plastron once again and looked to see 'Hope' had once again jumped up onto him, laying her body down and giving him a look as if daring him to try to push her off again. The look was almost reminiscent of the way Isabel used to look at him when he would ask her to do something she didn't want to do. Leo felt a small chill run down his spine. Wow, he was really starting to lose it. Comparing Isabel to a cat. Leo laughed hollowly to himself.

But was it so crazy to think that? This cat offered him what Isabel always had too. Caring without pity or hate. Unconditional love despite anything he did or said. He suddenly realized why this cat had such a comforting hold over him. The small creature filled some of the large void in Leonardo's soul that had appeared after Isabel's death, a void that until now had only been growing bigger with time. Leo picked up his hand and placed it lightly on her head, watching as she lifted it to meet his hand as if she couldn't wait for the contact. Leo suddenly didn't want to be alone anymore.

* * *

He quietly crept through the dark space, each step small and calculated as he tried to make as little noise as possible. There was a soft rumble to his right and his foot landed on something soft and cushy. He froze for a second as he felt movement, the figure at his toes shifting to a different position. He held his breath and waited. Finally the figure stilled once again and the snoring resumed. He let out a relieved sigh and took another tentative step forward, careful to miss the limp hand in front of him. He could see his goal ahead of him. If he could just make it there…only three more steps…

"Raphael." A voice echoed through the darkness.

Damn. Raph sighed and turned slowly around, seeing his sensei lighting a candle behind him and gesturing to a seat next to him. In the soft glow of candlelight he could now see the silhouettes of his orange and purple brothers on the floor wrapped in their blankets and of his blue one fast asleep on the couch not far away. He turned his head and looked longing back at his red blankets, so close, and yet, so far. He wondered if Casey had faired any better sneaking into the apartment he and April shared.

"Sit." His sensei's calm voice spoke. Raph turned and, with his head lowered, made his way to the empty chair next to where the old rat rested. He sat slowly, still not able to raise his head to meet his sensei's eyes. He knew he had been brash earlier this evening and had probably upset Splinter, but he had been hoping to avoid a lecture, at least until tomorrow. But apparently Splinter had felt this couldn't wait. Raph cursed softly in his head. If he could have only made it to his blankets…

He watched as his sensei finished lighting a second candle. The light illuminated the large rat, the flames of the candles reflecting off his soft black eyes. Raph chanced a quick look in his sensei's direction, and found the rat watching him silently, the fingertips of his hands pressed together, his eyes calculating. Raph could only look for a second, and once again quickly averted his gaze.

The silence was thick, only occasionally broken by a snort from one of his sleeping brothers on the floor. Raph could feel the tension building as the silent minutes past. He began to wish his sensei would say something, anything to break the silence that was suddenly becoming suffocating. He could feel Splinter's eyes on him and couldn't help but wonder what the rat was waiting for.

Finally, Raph could no longer take the silence. "Sensei, I…" he began.

"Raphael. Why have you not talked to your brother?" Splinter said, his voice still calm and quiet, but with a sort of hardness that was not lost on Raph.

Raph swallowed hard. He had expected Splinter to lecture him about being nice to Mikey and about how hard this has all been on everyone and to stop being a hothead. He had not expected this.

"I…I mean, I'm going to, I just…" Raph rubbed his hand over his head in exasperation, trying to find words. Splinter continued to stare at him, his fingertips coming to rest under his chin.

"Do you not see how it is hurting him?" Splinter asked.

Raph drew his face into a tight line. He felt guilt begin to settle itself into his stomach. "I just haven't…I mean…he hasn't talked to me at all either!" Raph finally said, trying to get some of the attention away from himself. He felt the guilt begin to build as he realized he just blamed his injured brother, the one who had almost died trying to save him. He let his head fall into his hands.

"Raphael, he hasn't talked to you because he fears your feelings of him." Splinter said softly without a hint of blame or accusation in his voice. "You must tell him everything you feel and mend your relationship. Only if he has full faith in his family can we attempt to heal him. You must relieve this burden from him and from yourself."

Raphael slowly lifted his head from his hands and looked at his sensei, finally meeting his eyes. He saw nothing but concern within the dark orbs. "I just…feelings don't come easily for me sensei." Raph tried to explain, his voice barely above a whisper. "I try. I mean I've tried, and every time I feel myself begin to clam up. He looks at me with those eyes of his, and I just…I just punk out." Raph pulled his knees up to his body and hugged them close as if trying to protect himself from danger. He rested his head softly on his knees and sighed. "What if he doesn't accept it? What if he tells me to shove it, like he rightly would deserve to."

"You know he would never do that." Splinter said. "He loves you Raphael, and every minute that he believes that love is unreturned is hurting him more and more. We now know how much hurt he is already harboring. You have the power to relieve some of his pain, and in doing so you would be relieving some of your own. You must gain the courage that I know you have and talk to him, soon."

Raph found himself nodding numbly. He had tried so many times to talk to Leo, but every time he had chickened out and hated himself for it. But he knew his sensei was right. Leo needed his family, his whole family, to support him through this rough patch.

"I will talk with him tomorrow, I promise." Raph said, resolution in his voice.

Splinter nodded and smiled softly at his son, placing a hand on Raph's arm. "You are not as tough as you act, my son. Deep down there is a soft nuggety center yet."

Raph smiled lightly. "Yeah, but don't tell anyone." He said roughly. "I'd hate for my reputation as the bad ass to be ruined." Splinter laughed affectionately. He waited until Raphael had made his way over to his blankets and settled himself, then blew out the candles, once again blanketing the room in darkness.


	13. Confrontations

Thanks everyone so much for the kind reviews. You guys are all awesome :)

* * *

The next day passed with frustrating swiftness, and Raph found himself struggling to find the words and the courage to keep his promise. After reading Leo's journal, Raph now understood that he was part of the reason why Leo was in the state he was in and Raph hated that. He hated knowing that he was causing his brother pain, physical or emotional. 

As the sun began to set and the day began to wind down Raph knew he was running out of time. It had to happen soon. Raph took a deep breath and his stomach twisted uncomfortably as he glanced at his brother across the room.

Mikey was sitting with him on the arm of the couch playing his handheld Nintendo DS while Leo watched with a small smile gracing his features. From across the room his older brother looked happy and normal as if nothing was bothering him and as if everything in his life was perfect. But Raph knew better. The whole family now knew better. The family knew they needed to unite to help their sibling through his rough time, as he had helped them so many times in the past, and, Raph knew, the healing started with him clearing things up with Leo.

He took another deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach, and stood, slowly making his way over to his brother's side.

"Come on, D.K., go, go!" Mikey yelled at the screen, moving the small video game as if the physical movements were translating to the game.

"Watch out for the banana peel!" Leo warned, and snickered while Mikey cursed as his car spun out and three more racers passed him.

"Son of a…I hate that Princess!" Mikey exclaimed. "Stupid piece of fungus!"

Don, from his position behind Leo, leaned over to get a better glimpse of the game. "There's a way you can avoid spinning out on those." He informed the frustrated youngest.

"D.K. loves bananas!" Mikey yelled in his defense. "He shouldn't have to avoid them! He should be immune!" Don met Leo's gaze quickly and both simultaneously rolled their eyes, but grinned.

A large shadow suddenly loomed over Mikey's game and he chanced a look up to see his red banded brother looking down at him, biting his lower lip nervously.

"Hey guys, you mind if I have a word with Leo alone?" Raph asked, his voice stronger than he felt inside.

"Yeah, sure," Don said quickly, letting out a relieved sigh, knowing a talk between Leo and Raph was long over due.

"Aww, can't I just finish this race?" Mikey asked, looking between Raph and the game. Mikey let out a yelp as he felt Don painfully tug at his bandana knot from above as a response. "Oww, dude, alright, I'm coming." Mikey jumped from his seat, rubbing the back of his head tenderly, and shot Raph a reassuring gaze before turning and following Donny across the room and out of earshot.

Leo had immediately sobered at the mention of his name from Raph and his eyes had dropped away from where Raph was standing. Raph took another deep breath as he felt the butterflies in his stomach once again take flight. He could do this. He was a ninja turtle for God sake, how hard could it be to talk feelings to his oldest brother? Raph paled slightly, feeling even more nauseous.

He slowly lowered himself into the chair that sat next to his brother's side. He stared at his hands nervously, suddenly unsure of what to say. Every word that he had rehearsed with himself through the day left him in a flash, leaving his mind blank and vulnerable. He could hear Leo breathing heavily next to him. When he looked up he met the bright green eyes of Leo's fluffy constant shadow looking at him curiously. He clenched his teeth, determined not to give up.

"So…" Raph started, his voice suddenly unsure. "How're you feelin?"

"Like I've been run over by a bus." Leo said flatly, not raising his eyes. He locked his gaze intently on the small cat who was staring Raph down with her intense eyes.

Raph's mouth opened, then closed with lack of words. He was not expecting such blatant honesty and suddenly found himself speechless again. He once again stared down at his hands. His stomach did a violent flip and he felt a slight blush reach his cheeks.

"Leo…I…" Raph started, then went silent. Damn it, he could do this. He looked up and saw Leo still avoiding his gaze. He took another deep breath and knitted his brow in determination. He was going to fix this. "Leo…I…I just…" He sighed. "I'm sorry."

Leo looked up suddenly and met Raph's gaze, his eyes wide. Raph tried to keep the eye contact but suddenly found himself unable to meet his brother's intense stare. Leo had an annoying way of staring at you as if he could read right through you. Raph swallowed hard and once again looked at his hands.

"Raph…" Leo started softly.

"No, let me finish." Raph said shortly, frustrated at himself. Leo quieted and quickly looked away again at Raph's words. 'Come on Raph,' he thought to himself. 'This is just Leo, he's your brother, he's your family.'

"I…Leo, I don't hate you." Raph muttered softly. He noticed Leo turned his head back toward him at the words but Raph couldn't bring himself to make eye contact again. "I've never hated you. Never." He took a deep breath and ran his hand over the top of his head absent mindedly, trying to continue. "I mean, you annoy me sometimes, sure, and you can be overbearing, and bossy, and sometimes you drive me up the wall…"

Leo frowned, unsure of whether he should feel better or worse about Raph's rant, but didn't have time to come to a conclusion, because Raph continued.

"…but, that's just you. That's just Leo, just our big brother. And…" Raph swallowed back the lump forming in his throat. "And I love my big brother. I'm sorry for ever making you think otherwise."

Raph was breathing hard, his chest constricting painfully in response to the deep emotions he was feeling. He chanced a look up at his brother's face and saw Leo looking back at him, his deep brown eyes filled with relief.

"I love you too, Raph." Leo said softly. Raph took a deep breath, his body suddenly feeling a lot lighter now that the heavy weight of those three words had been lifted from his tired shoulders.

"I know I give you a hard time sometimes," Raph admitted, a small smirk crossing his face at the obviousness of that statement. He heard Leo snort softly in agreement. "But I don't mean to hurt ya. I know I do sometimes, but, I really don't mean it. I just like questioning authority, ya know? And when you left us for so long without so much as a goodbye, I just felt…I just resented…I…"

Leo held up his hand silently, causing Raph's words to fade from his lips. Leo locked his gaze with his younger brother's and put a gentle hand across his brother's slightly trembling one. "I am at much at fault for our fights of late as you." He said simply, but firmly. "And I owe you an apology for hurting you and our family so deeply by not writing, by not coming home sooner. I just, I got lost out there…" Leo's words faded away and he became silent, not trusting himself to speak further.

Raph once again was reminded of Leo's journal and what had happened to his brother so far away, what had caused him to stay away for so long without word. "There is nothing to forgive." He said, and he meant it. "I'm not angry about it anymore. I'm not…"

He smiled at Leo and leaned over and wrapped his big brother in a tight embrace and sighed with relief when Leo returned it.

"I was so scared we were gonna lose you man." Raph admitted, his voice thick with emotion. "I dunno what the team would do without you. I dunno what I would do without you." He felt Leo tighten his grip around him and leaned farther into the hug, gaining the comfort he had needed desperately for the past week.

After what seemed like forever, Raph and Leo broke their bond and Raph leaned back awkwardly in his chair, giving Leo a sheepish smile. Leo returned the smile. Raph sighed softly, his eyes feeling heavy. He yawned.

"So, we're O.K.?" Raph asked bluntly.

Leo smiled gently and nodded. "Of course. Always."

"I'm glad we worked this out." Raph said honestly, stifling another yawn. "Now we just need to get you through your funk and we can all get back to being normal again."

"Funk?" Leo asked confused. "What are you talking about?"

Raph froze, realizing what he said. "Nothing." He answered quickly and turned his eyes away.

"Raph, what are you talking about?" Leo asked again, seeing right through Raph's attempt to change the subject.

Raph shifted uncomfortably in his chair. There was no avoiding it now. 'Damn my big mouth.' He thought.

"Don't get mad, O.K.?" Raph pleaded. He saw Leo's muscles tense at that introduction. "I know about how you've been feelin lately. How you've been feelin really down, you know, your depression."

"My…what?" Leo asked weakly. His mouth suddenly felt dry, all of the good feelings he had felt at his and Raph's reconciliation melted away into dread.

"We meant well…I…I just wanted to understand you better, you know?" Raph babbled, his nervousness rising once again. Leo's gaze never wavered as he watched Raph fumble with his words.

"Raph…" Leo started.

"We read your journal." Raph blurted, then sharply breathed in and waited for Leo's response.

Leo was silent for a moment, but only a moment as he took in this horrible bit of information. A thousand emotions crossed his face at once. Bile began to rise in his throat and his face paled.

"You…you what?" Leo asked, barely recognizing the voice as his own. He swallowed thickly.

"I…we…we read your journal. We know everything." Raph said, his voice growing softer until it was barely above a whisper. Leo's reaction was killing him and guilt began to crush him once again.

Leo suddenly felt like he couldn't get air. He gasped once, then again, and again but couldn't get the air he needed to fill his lungs. He needed air…

"How…how could you?" Leo pushed out, his voice rising. "I…all of you?"

Raph nodded slowly.

"That is private…my private thoughts…how could you?" Leo choked. He began to feel sicker by the minute as he began to remember some of what he had written within the pages of the book that was no longer private.

"How could we not!?" Raph asked, suddenly feeling defensive. "My God, Leo. All of the things that happened to you, all of what you were feeling. I found it by accident, and I started off reading it because I wanted to understand you better, but ended up discovering you were hiding depression. How could you not tell us what happened to you!?"

"Get…get away…" Leo said in between gasps. He grasped at his neck as if that would help open up his airway.

"No," Raph said stubbornly.

"Give me my book!" Leo said, suddenly feeling a deep anger take hold. His family had betrayed his privacy and his trust. They had betrayed him.

Raph pulled the book from behind him where Mikey had left it after he was done. It sat there silently in his hands, the pages slightly worn from use. Leo saw it and reached for it desperately as if his life depended on it.

Raph pulled the book just out of Leo's reach. "We need to talk about this stuff, man." Raph said, fixing Leo with a firm stare. "There's a lot that's happened in here. You've been through a lot, and…"

"Shut up!" Leo exclaimed, his voice turning frantic. "Give me the book!"

"Guys, what's going on?" Donny asked, making his way over to the duo in response to the raising voices. He saw Raph holding the book and immediately knew. His face paled.

"Give me the book and get away, all of you!" Leo yelled. He lurched his body forward in a mad grasp for the book, not caring about the pain he was feeling. Raph once again pulled it out of his grasp, his eyes narrowing.

"We aren't gonna let this go." Raph said firmly.

"Guys, stop." Mikey pleaded, now making his way over nervously. Splinter silently followed behind, ready to intervene if necessary.

"Oh great, the whole family of betrayers." Leo spat out venomously, ignoring the flinches that passed over his guilty brother's faces. He was still gasping for air, but now it was out of deep seated anger. "Give it to me, now!"

"No, Leo." Raph said.

Leo growled with rage and panic, and suddenly made another wild attempt to grab the book, but reached too far and as his weight shifted his body slid roughly from the couch and to the hard floor below. He let out a muffled groan as his bandaged shoulder hit the ground and pain overwhelmed him.

"Leo!" Mikey exclaimed, moving quickly to his brother's side.

Raph jumped to his feet in horror. Don pushed him out of the way quickly to get to Leo, but Leo mustered up the strength to lash out.

"Don't touch me." He squeezed out through pain filled gasps, putting his hand up defiantly at Don. Don recoiled his hand quickly as if avoiding the bite of a dangerous animal, his face filled with shame. "Don't touch…" but Leo never finished the sentence. The pain became too much and his body lost its fight with consciousness.

"Leo?" Don asked frantically. He moved quickly to Leo's side and felt for a pulse, and found one beating steadily under his fingers. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Help me get him back on the couch." Don said shakily, moving quickly to lift Leo from the cold floor.

Mikey immediately jumped into action, helping Don lift Leo back to the couch.

Raph watched numbly, dread washing over him as he realized what he had done. Leo was still fragile, both in body and mind, and Raph had just caused him more pain. Everything he ever did ended up hurting Leo. Raph felt deeply ashamed of himself and slowly began to back away from the scene, afraid to hurt Leo anymore.

He carefully laid the book on the couch next to where Leo was, then, while everyone was paying attention to getting Leo situated once more, snuck out into the cold night.

* * *

Splinter sat silently in the big chair that Raphael had been occupying only moments before trying to still his wildly beating heart. He watched as Donatello moved around Leonardo quickly, checking all of his wounds and making sure there wasn't any serious damage done. 

But there had been serious damage done, damage that couldn't be seen on the outside. Leonardo now knew about the journal, and his reaction had been anything but good. Splinter had been sitting across the room and had watched silently and with much relief as Raphael made his way to Leo's side and seemed to reconcile with his eldest brother. But things had quickly turned from good to seriously wrong in no time at all.

For some reason that Splinter did not know yet, Raphael had chosen to tell Leonardo about the journal. Leonardo's reaction had been severe, more so than Splinter could have imagined. The anger and hurt and grief that were written on those seemingly innocent pages must run deeper within his reserved son than any of them had thought possible. Leonardo felt as though his family had betrayed him. Not a good start to healing.

Splinter let out a deep sigh. 'Leonardo, why do you feel you must suffer on your own?' he thought sadly to himself.

"How could he have done that?" Donatello asked, breaking the silence, his voice flat with anger. Splinter was brought out of his thoughts at the question and met the eyes of his purple clad son.

"I do not know what transpired, Donatello, so I do not have an answer to that question." Splinter said.

"We all knew Leo needed to talk about this, but we knew to wait. He could have been seriously hurt!" Donatello vented in frustration. He had worked so hard to keep Leonardo safe and alive and seeing Leonardo suffer the setback he had tonight had frightened Donatello to the core. It had frightened them all.

"Where is Raphael?" Splinter asked. He knew Raphael had disappeared not long after the incident, but hoped that maybe one of the other boys had seen or heard where he went.

"Who knows, but he'd do well to stay away for awhile." Donatello spat, his eyes narrowed.

"Donatello, do not judge your brother in such a way. I am sure Raphael never meant for this to happen." Splinter pleaded.

"Whatever," Donatello replied hotly.

"I'll go find him." Michelangelo volunteered. His worry for both of his older brothers was reaching a peak and Mikey needed to be able to feel useful.

"No, Michelangelo." Splinter said softly. "I will go."

He watched as his son closed his mouth and became silent, his face falling. Splinter stood and grabbed his walking stick. This was something that he had to speak with Raphael about and it would be better sooner than later.

"Take care of Leonardo," Splinter said, putting a soft hand on Michelangelo's shoulder. "And do not be angry at Raphael. I will speak with him." Splinter said to Donatello. He watched as Donatello heaved a deep sigh, but nodded.

"I will be back shortly." Splinter said, and with that he made his way up the darkened stairs and out into the New York night.

* * *

Raph sat silently in the cold night on a soft patch of grass, his knees drawn tightly up to his body and his arms hugging them tightly. He watched the movements of the large lion in the cage in front of him as it paced up and down in front of the bars, its majestic mane blowing softly in the cool night breeze. 

Raph sniffled lightly and rubbed his hand over his wet eyes trying to get rid of the tears. The lion stopped pacing and sat down, eyeing the large turtle with its glowing yellow orbs. The lion had always been Raph's favorite animal when he was a kid. The lion was big, strong, swift, intelligent, and loyal. Raph had always been drawn to them because he had always wanted to be the same. Looking at the caged lion in front of him, though, Raph could see more of himself in that animal than ever before. The lion still had all of the qualities that Raph had admired in the animal as a kid, but they were locked tightly behind strong iron bars, keeping the majesty of the creature stifled and locked away. Raph's walls that he had built around himself reminded him sickly of the same thing. He wanted so badly to be closer with his family, to be stronger, but the high walls he had built around himself to hide his emotions away from the world stifled everything that he felt he could be.

Raph felt more hot tears begin to run down his face and his breaths became hitched as soft sobs once again began to take over. It seemed like no matter what he did he was always causing his family more pain. He never meant to, it was never intentional. He loved his family dearly, but somehow he always managed to hurt them.

He heard soft footsteps approach him from behind but couldn't bring himself to lift his head from his arms. He knew who neared without seeing who the figure was. He could recognize those padded footfalls anywhere. He took deep breaths trying to quiet his crying as he heard the figure come closer. He was slightly shocked when the old rat sat next to him and put his arm around Raph's shoulders and pulled him closer into a comforting embrace. Raph leaned heavily into his father's reassuring arms, almost as he used to do when he was a frightened child.

"Is…is Leo O.K.?" Raph choked out nervously, needing desperately to know the answer.

"Yes, Leonardo will be fine." Splinter said. "Donatello has made him comfortable once again. He is resting now."

"I'm sorry sensei." Raph said thickly. "I've ruined everything."

"No Raphael, you have not." Splinter answered.

"I really could have hurt him." Raph said guiltily. "It was an accident, bringing up the journal. I hadn't meant to."

"I know." Splinter said softly.

"We…we really hurt him, didn't we?" Raph said, sniffling once again.

"Leonardo's pride and trust was wounded tonight, I'm afraid." Splinter answered. He squeezed Raph's shoulder reassuringly. "But we will get through to him. We are all family, and though he is mad at us now, it will not remain so."

"I didn't expect him to react like that." Raph admitted, looking over at his father's soft face. "Even when I imagined telling him I never thought reading that journal would hurt him that badly. I regret it. I regret I ever found that damn thing."

"Do not say that." Splinter said, taking Raph's hand within his own. "That journal alerted us to Leonardo's pain. Leonardo has always felt the need to suffer in silence. He has never wanted to burden his family with his own problems, a flaw that has stuck with him since childhood." Splinter took a deep breath and continued. "If you had never found that book we would not have ever known and Leonardo would have continued to suffer by himself until his own grief swallowed him whole. By finding that book you may have saved his life, though it doesn't seem like it now."

"I just, I want to stop causing him pain." Raph said, guilt once again settling in his stomach. "I want things to go back to the way they were. I miss being best friends with Leo. I miss how we used to be."

"Things can change, my son. These next few days will be very important in Leonardo's recovery. Be there for him. Be his best friend. Be his brother." Splinter said, meeting his black orbs with his son's brown ones. "Things can change, people can change. Nothing is set in stone Raphael."

Raph nodded and took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. He leaned softly into his father's arm searching for comfort. His father tightened his hold around his shoulders. Raph began to feel wariness take hold and let out a long yawn and shivered slightly as the cool breeze kissed his skin. He saw Splinter smile softly at him.

"Come Raphael, let's go back." Splinter said, stiffly rising to his feet. Raphael nodded and followed suit, slowly getting to his feet. He began to follow his sensei back toward the clinic, but stopped, turning to look back at the large beast behind him, still staring at him from between the large iron bars.

"I will no longer be held back by barriers." He said softly to himself. "No more."

Raph then turned back toward his father and followed the rat towards the clinic and his brothers, resolution in every step he took.


	14. Healing Begins with Family

Well kids, this story is starting to come to an end. There will be one more chapter after this. I again want to thank everyone for their kind reviews. They have been amazing.

* * *

Leo had not said a word since he had awaken, the terrible events from the night before still fresh in his mind. Sarah had come down the next morning to check on him, and when Donny had come over to help Leo had turned away from him, keeping his hurting eyes staring intently away from his brother.

Mikey had tried to approach Leo as well, but was also met with a hard, tense silence. Mikey had quickly left after his failure to talk to his oldest brother, leaving the hurting turtle alone. Leo couldn't bring himself to speak, his feelings of anger and embarrassment, and worst of all betrayal still raw within him.

When he had finally been left alone for awhile, Leo chanced to look around him and saw his family scattered around the basement, all of them chancing glances at him as if willing him to forgive them. But he could not bring himself to face them. They knew everything. Leo's privacy had been violated and his deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts were now public information. He felt physically sick every time he thought about it. Those things were never meant for his family to know.

Leo turned his head away once again, unable to continue looking at the family who he felt had betrayed him so blatantly. He closed his eyes and took a shuddering breath. Everything hurt. His injuries had been jarred roughly last night, leaving his mind hazy with pain. But nothing hurt worse than his aching heart. When he opened the brown orbs once again he saw something out of the corner of his eye. The black journal that had caused so much pain between him and his family sat on the arm of the couch where Raph had left it the night before. Leo hadn't noticed it until now. He desperately grabbed for it, feeling the hard dark binding between his fingers. He gripped the book tightly, staring intently at the deep black cover. Leo sighed shakily and cracked the book open, flipping past the first pages until he came to the one he desired. The dark eyes of Isabel met his and he felt his throat swell up. He painfully moved his hand toward the page letting his fingertip lightly trace over the drawn outline of her jaw and the soft sketch of her lips. The deep hole within his soul began to burn as he looked at her face, missing her just as much as ever.

A drop of moisture fell to the page, spreading through the fibers of the paper and causing a slight smear of the charcoal. Leo quickly wiped the tears from his eyes that had unknowingly appeared. It had been over half a year since she had died and the pain was still as raw as if it had just been yesterday. If only he could have gotten to her sooner, if only he could have saved her, then maybe things would be different, his whole life would be different. Leo closed his eyes, trying to bite back the deep pain.

_Flashback_

_He took a deep breath of cool fresh air, his eyes closed, every muscle in his body relaxed. The soft sound of flowing water trickled past his ears and he sighed in content, letting his mind begin to drift. A loud call from a distant bird pulled him out of his thoughts and he opened his eyes in annoyance. Quiet was something that was hard to come by, even when he was alone in the middle of a virgin jungle. Leo smirked softly to himself and closed his eyes once again, taking another deep breath, relaxing his body and mind, his hands resting lightly on his crossed knees, trying to drown out everything around him._

"_Guess who?" a voice from behind him laughed softly. He felt hands fall over his already closed eyes and Leo smiled warmly, immediately recognizing the musical voice._

"_Well that isn't hard, you are the only person who knows I'm out here." Leo laughed in amusement, bringing his hands to her wrists and pulling them gently from his face. _

"_Darn, and I was so hoping to surprise you." She giggled, moving next to him and kneeling down giving him a soft kiss on the cheek._

"_You did." Leo said honestly, his heart skipping a beat from the contact of her lips. "I thought you were supposed to be visiting your brother and his wife for a few days."_

"_Not happy to see me?" she pouted, but with a playfulness flitting in her eyes._

"_No, I'm always happy to see you." Leo said leading her in front of him so he could see her. "Just surprised. A good surprise though." He added._

"_I thought so." She said, smiling again. She sat down next to him in the soft grass. "I was supposed to go, but I didn't want to. That would require me leaving you for days and in the end I didn't want to go."_

_Leo found himself smiling, flattered and overjoyed that she wouldn't be leaving him alone out here for days. He looked up and saw her smiling at him and he felt his breath leave his lungs. No matter how many times he looked at her face, she always had that effect on him._

"_So, what are you doing?" she asked, scooting closer to him so that their bodies were touching. Leo swallowed hard._

"_Well I was going to meditate for awhile," Leo said casually, but with a playful tone, "but you know, it's hard to do with crazy females sneaking up on you out of nowhere."_

"_Oh I see how it is!" she laughed, hitting him playfully on the shoulder. "Well, don't let me interrupt. Come on, we'll meditate together. Show me how it's done."_

_Leo chuckled softly as he looked at her, her face trying to be serious but a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth._

"_Alright." He said, unable to deny her anything. "First, you cross your legs, like how I'm doing." He watched with amusement as she pulled her legs together, giggling softly as she ungracefully tried to keep them in place._

"_Like this?" she asked, once she had her legs positioned._

"_Yep." He answered. "Now place your hands like this." He said, showing her what to do. She giggled again and followed his instructions. "Now take a deep breath and close your eyes, letting your mind relax, drowning out everything around you."_

_He heard her take a loud, deep breath next to him and couldn't help but crack his eye open to look at her. She was beautiful sitting there, her face relaxed, the sun filtering through the trees and highlighting her dark hair. He once again found himself breathless. He finally pulled his eyes away and closed them again, unable to stop smiling. They remained silent for a moment, neither moving or speaking. Leo began to let his mind slowly drift off once again in an attempt to meditate. Suddenly another loud call from a bird overhead rang out around them, causing both of them to jump. The air around them was suddenly filled with Isabel's laughter._

"_That's nice!" she said between giggles. "Hard to concentrate when there's a mating macaw in the area, isn't it?"_

"_Is that what that is?" Leo said, snickering to himself. "They can't mate quietly, can they?"_

"_Apparently not." Isabel laughed. She looked over at him and smiled, placing a soft hand atop his. "I think this whole meditation thing is a lost cause. Let's give up on it and go walking." She stood and put a hand down to him, beckoning him to follow. He smiled and took her hand and lifted himself to his feet._

_They walked for hours, hand in hand, talking about everything and nothing. It was becoming dark when they finally returned to the cave he called home. They sat down on the soft grass and both put their bare feet into the cool running water of the nearby stream. Neither said anything for a long while, both sitting quietly, taking comfort in the others presence. Leo found himself startled slightly when she finally spoke, her voice cutting through the silence._

"_I'm going with you." She said, her voice certain and unwavering. _

"_What do you mean?" he asked, unsure of what she spoke of._

"_I'm going with you." She repeated. "When you leave to go back to New York. I'm going to come with you."_

_It took Leo a moment to realize his mouth was hanging open. He closed it and continued to stare at her in shock, completely speechless. She turned her head to look at him, her eyes blazing and determined. He swallowed hard, his heart was beating quickly in his chest. He felt an overwhelming surge of affection toward her, joy swelled in his chest at the thought of bringing Isabel to New York, but the flitting feeling of happiness didn't last long as reality slowly sank in._

"_No, you can't." he said, his voice soft. "I can't let you do that."_

"_You can't let me?" she asked, her voice still determined. "It is my decision Leo, and I have made it. I am going with you."_

_Leo shook his head, still shocked at the certainty in her voice. He wanted nothing more but for this to happen. To take Isabel home with him, to introduce her to his family, to live out the rest of his life with her, but he knew it could never happen._

"_I will never be able to lead a normal life." He said, sadness filling his voice. "I will always live a life of hiding, always in the shadows, never able to be normal and give you everything you need. You don't deserve that."_

"_Leo, I…" Isabel began, but he cut her off._

"_You deserve someone that can provide for you, give you a normal life, give you everything that you want and make you happy." He continued, dropping his eyes to the ground, trying to keep his voice strong and certain, but hearing it wavering, giving his uncertainty away. "I will never be able to provide that for you." He said sadly._

_She stared at him, her mouth drawn into a tight line, her eyes still blazing as she watched him. "You say I deserve to be happy?" she asked, her voice still strong. He nodded. "You say I deserve to get everything that I want?" He nodded again, swallowing hard. "What if all of that is you?" she finished, never letting her gaze wander from him._

_His head snapped back up, his eyes meeting her unwavering stare. He opened his mouth to speak again but she interrupted. "I know life would never be easy." She said firmly. "And I know that life would never be normal. But what if I don't want normal? All of my life I have felt like something was missing, like I was just drifting through life, the things that I've always wanted just out of my reach. But then I met you, and things started making sense. I'm happy, Leo. I'm happy, and believe it or not it's because of you."_

"_Why me?" he suddenly said, anger and frustration lacing his words. He stood quickly and began to pace back and forth through the soft grass, his emotions beginning to boil out of control. "Why me?" he asked again, as if that would give him an answer. "I'm a freak, Isabel. I'm a mutant, an animal. You deserve better than me. You deserve…" but he couldn't finish his sentence, a lump was quickly forming in his throat and his voice became thick with emotion. He continued to pace frantically back and forth trying to gain control, but a soft touch to his arm was all it took to still him._

"_You are not a freak." She said strongly, forcing him to look into her eyes. "And you are not an animal. You are more of a man, more human, than anybody I've ever met. You are a miracle, Leonardo, don't you see that? There is no one out there like you. How many times do I have to tell you how special you are, and that I love you?"_

_Leo tried to look away at those words, but she moved her hand to his face and brought his eyes back to meet hers. He was surprised to find tears shining at the edges of her dark orbs. "I love you. I meant it that night I told you for the first time, and I mean it now. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how amazing you truly are."_

_Leo swallowed hard as an overwhelming feeling of love swelled in his chest. He realized then that he could not live without her and he didn't want to. He took a deep breath, and he raised his hand and softly brushed the tears from her cheek with his finger._

"_I'm coming with you." She said again, her voice soft but still determined, and Leo did nothing but nod, swallowing back the lump in his throat._

"_I know." He whispered, his voice shaking._

_She smiled then and moved her body closer to his, bringing her lips closer…_

"She was very beautiful." A voice said from behind him. Leo drew in a sharp, surprised breath and closed the book quickly with a snap. He roughly wiped the wetness from his eyes and narrowed them, his lips tightened in annoyance.

"Come on Leo, talk to me." Raph pleaded, sitting down in the chair. Leo didn't move or speak, his eyes intently turned away, boring a hole into the back of the couch, the vivid memory of Isabel still fresh in his mind.

Raph sighed. He could feel the anger and sadness radiating off of his brother's body, but he knew he needed to get through to him now. The family had let him have all day to himself, but Raph couldn't wait any longer. They couldn't wait until Leo had time to bury all of his emotions again, if there was going to be healing, it had to be now.

"Leo, come on, at least look at me." Raph said, putting a hand on Leo's arm. Leo quickly shrugged it away and out of Raph's grasp.

"Go away, Raph." Leo muttered darkly.

"I remember a time when we could tell each other anything." Raph continued, ignoring Leo's comment. "I felt like I could always come to you when I had a problem, and I think you felt the same. I want that back Leo. Please, let me help you."

"I don't need help."

Raph's eyes narrowed. 'Like hell you don't need help.' Raph thought. This 'nice and caring' approach wasn't working, it was time to try another one.

"You know, Leo, it's unlike you to run from anything." Raph started, staring intently at his brother's back waiting for a reaction. "But you're running from this and running from us. You're acting like a coward."

Leo's muscles stiffened at Raph's words but he still didn't turn or say a word. Raph felt triumphant at getting a reaction and decided to continue.

"You're always telling us, 'Don't keep your feelings bottled up' and constantly trying to get us to share our feelings with you. But when we want you to share your feelings with us, ya clam up and hide. So not only have ya been acting like a coward, but you've been a hypocrite as well." Raph said.

"Stop it, Raph." Leo growled dangerously, his voice shaking.

"I don't know why I ever looked up to you." Raph continued. "You seem all tough on the outside, so sure and confident, but on the inside you are puddle of fear. You can't even face your own feelings."

"You don't know how it is!" Leo said, his voice growing higher, suddenly feeling the need to defend himself. "You don't understand!"

"Then tell me!" Raph said, matching Leo's tone. "Make me understand."

"No…" Leo said, his voice weakening.

"Why?" Raph said with frustration. "Why can't you talk to me?"

"Because…"

"Because why, Leo?" Raph pushed, feeling like he was finally getting somewhere. "All we want to do is help you. Why can't you let us?"

"Because…" Leo tried again.

"Because why?"

"Because it hurts to much…" Leo admitted, his voice shrinking to a whisper.

Leo turned his body toward Raph slowly, his eyes hollow and dull. Raph didn't recognize those lost eyes at all. They were not the eyes of his strong and vibrant leader, they belonged to a broken turtle, and they frightened him. He took a deep breath.

"Leo, I can't imagine the pain you felt in that jungle." Raph said softly. "I can't imagine how alone you felt, or how scared you were, or the anger and the grief..."

"You're right, you can't!" Leo interrupted, suddenly feeling a surge of anger return. "You could never understand. You can't understand what it feels like to go somewhere completely foreign, isolated from everything you've ever known. You can't imagine how it felt to finally find a light in the darkness, only to have that light put out. You can't dream of how it felt to finally return to what you knew before, only to realize you didn't know it at all anymore and that none of the things that comforted you before could make you happy. To be met with nothing but hostility from everyone that had once loved you. You couldn't understand. None of you could!"

Raph flinched slightly, knowing that he was the source of most of the hostility that Leo spoke of. But that wasn't going to be him anymore. That was in the past, this was now, and now Raph was going to be there for his brother. No more hostility, no more arguments. The only way he could heal that part of Leo's hurt was to show him he was going to be there for him, and that's exactly what Raph intended to do.

"I'm sure that Isabel would hate to see you punish yourself like this," Raph said.

"Don't speak of her!" Leo hissed, a sharp pain shooting through his heart at the mention of her name. He clutched sharply at his neck where Raph now knew the small woven necklace lay.

"She wouldn't want this for you." Raph continued. "She wouldn't want you to blame yourself for what happened."

"You don't know anything about her!" Leo said, his voice rising once again. "How would you know the first thing about what she would want?"

"Because she loved you." Raph said simply. He watched as Leo took in a sharp, pained breath, but felt triumph as he saw some of the previous anger begin to leak out of his brother's body at his words. Leo seemed to sink into the cushions right before Raph's eyes, slowly deflating.

"You don't know." Leo said, now struggling to find the fight that had been raging within him just moments before.

"I do." Raph said. "I read what you wrote. There was no other conclusion to come to. She loved ya Leo. Love. The real thing." He watched as Leo's face twisted painfully at his words. He was getting through to him, he felt it.

"I also read what you wrote of that day." Raph continued. "You did everything that you could. She was beyond help Leo, and she knew that."

"I should have gotten there sooner." Leo said, his voice cracking, once again consumed by guilt and grief, the anger that had been raging through him only moments before forgotten.

"You got there as fast as you could. There was no way you could have gotten there sooner." Raph reassured.

"I should have gotten her to a doctor. I should have saved her." Leo continued, his voice becoming shakier.

"A doctor couldn't have helped her." Raph said. "She knew that. She didn't want to spend her last hours with a doctor. She wanted to spend them with you."

"I failed her. I've failed everyone. I'm a failure." Leo choked out as he took deep shuddering breaths, his emotions boiling dangerously, his previous anger forgotten as he drowned in his dark feelings.

"You have never failed anyone." Raph said. "You didn't fail her, and most of all you have never failed us. You have never come close to failing. You are a good friend, and most of all, you are a great brother."

Leo gasped in a deep breath, the pain within him becoming violent. Tears began to fall from his eyes unhindered. He felt as though his heart was going to rip in two. He turned his head from his brother, ashamed of the tears that were now flowing freely from his eyes.

"You are not a failure Leo. You're family loves you. Isabel loved you. You have never failed. You have succeeded at everything." Raph said softly, trying desperately to reassure his brother.

"God…" Leo sobbed, his defenses shattering to pieces at his brother's words. "I miss her so much. I can't take it." Raph sank off the chair to his knees and wrapped his eldest brother into a tight embrace. Leo turned and grasped at him tightly as if he were a frightened child, burying his face into Raph's shoulder, his sobs coming unhindered.

"Shhh, it's gonna be O.K." Raph said. "It hurts, I can't imagine how much it hurts. But it's gonna be O.K."

Leo sobbed louder into his shoulder, the deep pain and grief that he had kept bottled up for months finally coming to the surface and leaking out violently and unhindered. Raph barely noticed as his two other brothers and his father made their way over to the scene, finally feeling it was time to show their support.

Mikey squeezed in and wrapped another pair of strong arms around his ailing brother, laying his head lightly on Leo's back as he grasped his shaking form. Donny laid a strong hand on Leo's shoulder and squeezed tightly in reassurance. Splinter softly stroked the part of Leo's forehead that wasn't buried in Raph's shoulder and softly whispered soothing words.

"You're family is here for you." Raph said, squeezing Leo tighter. "You are not alone." Leo cried harder as he felt his family's loving arms surround him. His hands clung tighter to Raph's body, craving the comfort he had needed for so long.

The family stayed like that for an unknown amount of time, allowing Leo to grieve and never backing down in their support and comfort. Soon Leo's sobs began to subside as his energy began to drain out of him. Not long after the room began to quiet, each member of the family slowly drifting off, all of them still attached in some way to their blue clad family member.

And that is how Sarah and April found them the next morning. Neither of the two had the heart to wake them as they watched the tight knit family of five squeezed as tightly together as they possibly could be, all fast asleep, all holding one another.

* * *

Leo slowly and groggily opened his swollen eyes, squinting them harshly against the bright sunlight filtering in through the basement window near by. He tried to stretch his uncasted arm, but felt it being held down. He looked up and saw Raph asleep, his head leaning softly against it.

It didn't take him long to remember what had happened the night before. He blushed brightly as shame and embarrassment burned within him. He looked around him, remembering the rest of his family gathered around him as well. Mikey was curled up next to Raph, his head laying on Leo's plastron and his arm draped over it as if he was still caught in a long hug. He could hear soft breathing above him and assumed they were coming from Don and Master Splinter. He took a deep breath, trying to swallow back his shame, his face twisted into a frown.

"Don't you dare do that." A deep, groggy voice said. Leo turned his head quickly to his side and saw Raph's sleepy eyes looking at him.

"Do what?" Leo said, his voice still hoarse from his breakdown the night before.

"Judge yourself for what happened last night." Raph said softly. He stared at Leo with calculating eyes as if trying to read his brother's thoughts. Leo turned his head away quickly.

"I'm sorry that happened." Leo admitted, closing his eyes softly. "I didn't mean…"

"You have nothin to be sorry for." Raph said, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "Except for maybe keeping all of that bottled away and hidden from your family for so long."

Leo blushed again and frowned.

"It's O.K. to cry sometimes." Raph said. "Especially after what you've been through. I wish you wouldn't have kept it away from us for so long."

"I just…I couldn't…I still don't really feel like I can…" Leo stuttered, once again at a loss of what to say. He was slightly taken aback at this new, caring side of Raphael and was still uncertain on how to proceed.

"You have to talk about it, Leo. It'll help you heal. I'm here to listen and help. We all are." Raph said, gesturing around to the rest of their family, still asleep.

"I know…" Leo said softly, still uncertain. He heard a soft mumble and looked down to see Mikey softly talking in his sleep. He smiled softly and his heart warmed slightly as he stared at his youngest brother. Maybe Raph was right. Maybe this is what he needed. To talk about everything. It was a terrifying thought, drudging up all the happy and painful memories of the past year, but with the strength of his family helping him, maybe, just maybe he could push through it. But he was still unsure about everything. His family hadn't exactly been one hundred percent supportive in the past, but, Leo knew, part of that was his fault for never being open with them. He sighed softly as his stomach twisted with nervousness.

Raph watched his brother, wondering what thoughts were passing through his head. He could tell that Leo was still unsure of whether or not he should talk about everything. Raph could understand how scary sharing your feelings was, hell, he felt that fear every day. He hated sharing feelings. But this was what Leo needed, and maybe if Raph started off, he might be able to get Leo to open up a little bit more too. He took a deep breath, determined to tear down the thick wall that had been separating him and his family.

"I felt horrible when I read your journal." Raph started, digging deep within himself for the courage to share his feelings. "I knew I was always hard on you, Leo. But I never knew how much it actually affected you. I'm sorry, man, for all of it."

Leo glanced wearily at Raph, shocked once again by this new side to his normally hard and angry brother. Something had changed in him over the past week, but Leo was still uncertain, wary. "It wasn't your fault." Leo said, trying to ease his guilt.

"Are you trying to say it was yours?" Raph said, frustration once again creeping into his voice. "Leo, not everything is your fault. I misunderstood you…we all did. I thought you were just trying to be a pompous show off. I had no idea that all of your practicing was because you were afraid of failing us. A stupid fear, by the way."

"No it wasn't." Leo said, anger lacing his voice. "I couldn't protect you. I couldn't protect my own family. You all got hurt. I should have been able to stop it."

"You can't be our little guardian angel every second of every day." Raph said, trying to talk reason into his brother. "You did your best, and if it wasn't for you we all could have died. You didn't fail any of us. You defeated the Shredder for God sake. You're a hero!"

"We defeated the Shredder." Leo corrected, eyeing the rest of his slumbering family.

"You're right, we all helped. And you did a great job leading us to success. You aren't a failure Leo. So what if we all got some scratches and bruises, we're all still alive aren't we?"

"It was more than scratches and bruises." Leo said softly, remembering back to that horrible night, unsure if any of his family were still alive. Blood had covered the floor, a mix of both foot and turtle. He shuddered slightly.

"So what?" Raph said. "We are all O.K. Stop punishing yourself for something that was out of your control."

Leo's brow furrowed roughly and his lips tightened. He still felt guilty that his family had been hurt, but they were still alive. And from what Raph was telling him, they didn't think anything less of him for allowing them to be injured. He swallowed hard and looked over at the red banded turtle, meeting concerned eyes. He gave Raph a small smile and took a deep breath, feeling that burden lighten, if only a bit at his brother's words.

"Thanks, Raph." Leo said genuinely.

"No problem, bro." Raph said.

Leo stared at his brother for a long moment. He was almost starting to see the same brother that had been his best friend so many years ago. His brown eyes were no longer hard and filled with resentment and distain, they were soft and filled with concern and love. Leo smiled.

"Hey, bro, you're awake." Mikey's voice said groggily from somewhere below. Leo saw his youngest sibling look up at him, a bit of drool wet his red cheek, his face holding a nervous expression as he stared at Leo, trying to find any hint of the anger that had been directed at him before.

"Dude, I'm sorry we read…" Mikey started.

"It's O.K." Leo said, reaching his hand out to take Mikey's. "I should never have kept any of it from you in the first place."

"Darn right!" Mikey exclaimed suddenly, rising to his knees and inching closer to Leo's head. "We want to help you bro. I don't want you to be sad anymore."

"I don't want that either, Mikey." Leo said honestly, squeezing Mikey's hand tightly.

"Yeah, you better not." Raph said gruffly, but a smirk gracing his face. "Keep stuff like that away from us again and we'll kick you're sorry shell."

Leo laughed lightly, his heart slightly uplifted. He heard stirring from above and knew his father and Don were probably waking up as well. He felt his cheeks beginning to redden with embarrassment once again as facing his whole family became imminent, but one reassuring look from Raph was all it took to calm his nerves.

"Hey, Leo." Don said with apprehension. "How are you feeling?"

Leo gave Don a small smile, showing him he was no longer angry. "I feel O.K." Leo said honestly. "I think I'm going to be alright."

"It's good to hear that, my son." Splinter said softly, placing his hand on Leo's shoulder. Leo closed his eyes softly, feeling oddly comforted that his family was surrounding him, even after all that happened. He looked around to each of their faces, seeing no pity, no anger, no resentment, no disgust…only love and support. Leo suddenly felt stronger than he had in a long time.

"Hey, Leo?" Mikey ventured, his voice sounding soft and meek. "What…what was it like…you know, in Central America?"

Leo drew in a deep breath, not expecting these questions to pop up so soon. His stomach began to flutter as he thought of everything that had happened in those foreign jungles. He wasn't sure if he was ready yet. He didn't know if he could face it all. It was still so soon.

"You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want." Mikey added, slightly worried at his brother's silence.

Leo tried to calm his nerves, wanting to answer his brother but not trusting himself to speak. He swallowed hard. A strong hand on his arm caused him to look to his side and he met Raph's eyes, willing him to speak and showing nothing but support. Leo took a deep breath, suddenly feeling stronger.

"No, Mikey. I don't want to keep anything from you guys anymore." Leo said, looking back at Raph, giving him a small nervous smile. He felt another strong hand take his shoulder and Leo took a deep breath, finding his strength through his family.

"It was really beautiful." Leo started, closing his eyes lightly as if remembering all of the vivid colors. "The air was clean, the trees were thick and green, the water was blue and unpolluted, there were animals of all shapes, sizes and colors everywhere. It was truly an untouched paradise. I could move freely in the daylight and never have to worry about being seen. It was truly amazing…but lonely…"

"Then you met…her…" Don started, unsure if the question was appropriate yet. He had been trying to read up on treating depression and many of the books had said that talking about the issues was the best way, but Don was afraid to broach the subject with his oldest brother, afraid that it was too soon.

Leo swallowed hard. "Yeah…" he said softly.

"What was she like?" Splinter asked, wanting to keep his son talking.

"She…she was…" Leo struggled to find words to describe Isabel. No words that he could think of seemed to do her justice. He took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to keep his now raging emotions in check. He suddenly felt a small rough tongue on his arm and looked down to see 'Hope' peering at him. A familiar feeling of comfort filled him and Leo smiled softly at the tabby.

"She was beautiful." He finally said, closing his eyes, picturing her face in his mind. "Her smile was so genuine, it could make you feel happy even if nothing else in your life felt right. And her eyes were deep and caring. Every time she looked at you, you were the most important person in the world. She had a way of doing that…of making you feel like you were good, and important, and that just being you was O.K." Leo's voice cracked slightly as his throat began to swell at her memory.

"She sounds like she was amazing." Raph said, patting Leo on the arm. Leo nodded, trying to swallow back the lump forming in his throat.

"She really was." He said softly, his voice shaking.

"You really loved her, didn't you?" Donny asked, taken aback by the flood of emotion this girl brought into his brother. He had found it hard to believe that his brother had truly found love far away in Central America, but seeing him now, in person, pain seated deep in his eyes, Don could see that Leo really had experienced love. Something Donny had only ever been able to dream about.

"Yeah…" Leo said, brushing tears from his cheeks. "Yeah, I really did. I still do…"

"She loved you too, you know." Raph stated.

"Yeah…yeah, I…she told me…" Leo stammered, his voice growing even softer. "She was going to come with me…back here. She was ready to leave her whole family and come here. I think she wanted to leave that night…that night I got back…before..." He trailed off, his voice lost. He felt tears beginning to form in his eyes. This hurt too much…he couldn't do this…

"It's O.K., my son." Splinter said soothingly. "It's O.K. to be scared, it's O.K. to cry. What happened to you was horrible and tragic. It's only natural to feel this way."

"I just…" Leo choked, "I just miss her so much. I wish she were still here. Everything would be different. If only I had…"

"It wasn't your fault." Raph reminded him. "None of what happened was your fault."

Leo sniffed loudly, but nodded hollowly. He still couldn't convince himself that everything that had happened that night wasn't his fault, but Raph's reassurances were starting to help. He couldn't believe he was talking about this, with his family no less. He thought he could never speak of her, that he would crumble with the grief of even trying, but somehow, with his family here with him he was finding the strength. Though it hurt immensely, it felt good to talk about her. Her face became clearer in his mind as though he was remembering her better. He was starting to remember small things about her that he had started to forget. Leo took a deep, shuddering breath and reached out to take Raph's supporting hand. Raph took it quickly and squeezed it.

"It must have been amazing…" Mikey said softly. "Finding someone like that."

"It was, Mikey." Leo said, softly. "You would have really liked her."

"I know I would have." Mikey said, a small grin on his face.

"We all would have liked her." Splinter said, placing a hand on Leo's forehead. "She took care of you and made you happy. We would have all loved her for that."

Leo swallowed thickly, but smiled. He had never loved his family more than he did at that very moment, seeing their genuine love and concern and understanding all reaching out to comfort him.

"Thank you." He whispered, his voice becoming hoarse.

"Hey, you're our brother." Raph said, giving Leo a playful shove on the arm. "We'd do anything for ya."

"We love you, Leonardo." Splinter said, his voice soft but strong. "Always remember that. And always remember you are never alone."

Leonardo smiled, the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness that had consumed him for unknown months beginning to slowly break away. He began to see light in his previously darkened life. This past year had been the worst of his life, but he found it coming to an end. As long as his family was with him he would survive. It would be hard to keep going without her, but he finally felt like there was a possibility for happiness.

Leo's eyes suddenly felt heavy, and he found it hard to keep them open. Sharing the things he had had taken a lot out of his still weakened body. His family must have noticed his growing sleepiness. They all began to stand, wanting to give him time to rest.

"Get some sleep." Don said.

"Yeah, don't let the bed bugs bite!" Mikey said, lightening the mood.

"We will be here when you wake up." Splinter said with a smile.

"You won't be alone." Raph added, giving Leo's hand another squeeze.

Leo sighed softly and closed his eyes. As his body began to give into sleep, he thought he heard a soft female voice laughing softly in his ear and a wisp of hair brush past his cheek. Leo let a small smile grace his lips. No, he was not alone, and he never would be.


	15. Four Once Again

Well, everyone, we have finally come to the last chapter. It has been awesome writing this story for all of you and I'm really glad so many people enjoyed it. I'm kinda sad to see it end.

Thanks again everyone for all of your support and reviews. They were all much appreciated. And now, on with the last chapter!

* * *

"Come on, Leo, one more step, you can do it!" Don encouraged excitedly.

Leo grunted and leaned heavily into Raph's thick supporting body, but dug for one last burst of energy and managed to hobble one more step. Raph squeezed Leo's shoulder tightly in encouragement.

"Good job, bro!" Raph said happily, giving Leo a playful punch on the shoulder.

Leo smiled slightly as he collapsed heavily into the large, hideous orange chair, panting lightly. He was frustrated at his weakness, but at least he was up and moving. It had taken a lot of convincing to get Don and Sarah to let him begin some physical therapy, but he had won in the end. It had been hard so far, weeks of bed rest weakening his body physically, but Leo refused to give in.

"Dude, you did awesome!" Mikey yelled, coming over to where Leo sat and sitting lightly on the arm of the chair. "You'll be back to your old self in no time."

"I hope so." Leo answered.

"You will be." Raph said confidently. "You're too stubborn to stay down for very long."

"Thanks, Raph," Leo said with a good natured smirk.

The heavy bandages that had once graced Leo's shoulder, shell, and head had been removed, leaving only the casts that were still tightly adhered to his arm and leg. Sarah had told him the casts would have to stay on longer to be sure the bones healed fully, much to Leo's dismay. He couldn't wait to get those damn casts off his arm and leg so he could get back to using them again. They certainly weren't making physical therapy very easy.

Raph grinned at his older brother, giving Leo a pat on the back. It was great to see Leo smiling, and even joking again. It had been a week since the family had finally gotten Leo to open up to them, and since then he had been making significant progress. They continued to urge him to talk about Central America, about Isabel, about his insecurities. It had been hard at first to keep him on the right track as Leo hated being vulnerable and kept trying to resist, but the family never backed down and kept prodding, eager to see him heal. As the time went by it seemed to all be coming easier and easier, like a dam had been cracked and the water was slowly leaking out relieving the pressure from behind. There were still times when a subject was broached that deeply pained him, but with the support of his family, they were slowly working him through it.

Raph was even proud of himself. In showing support to his brother, he was finding it easier to talk about things with his family as well. He was amazed at how much better he felt, and how much closer to his family that he was. But most of all, he felt closer to Leo than he ever had before. They were getting along...truly getting along for the first time in a long time. The deep resentment and anger Raph had felt toward his oldest brother were finally starting to dissipate and Raph finally felt the old remnants of their old relationship beginning to reestablish itself within them, and it felt great. There would still be arguments, Raph knew, but that was only natural between two stubborn and opinionated turtles. But where there was once true anger and frustration, there was nothing but mutual respect and understanding between the two brothers.

A loud growl drew Raph's attention and he looked over to see Mikey grabbing his stomach, a slight blush hitting his cheeks. Raph rolled his eyes.

"What?" Mikey said, grinning. "I haven't eaten all day!"

"Do you ever think about anything but food?" Raph joked, shoving Mikey lightly.

"Sure I do!" Mikey returned, looking incredulous. "I think about all the worlds major problems! Like how to get to the next level in the new Zelda game, or which is better, Pepsi or Coke?"

"Nice, Mikey" Don said. "I'm glad someone is covering those important issues."

"Hey, someone has to!" Mikey defended.

It wasn't long before April, Casey, and Sarah came down to join them once the clinic closed upstairs, bearing pizza and goodies. Mikey jumped up from the chair at hearing their footsteps on the stairs and ran over to meet them, quickly removing their pizza burden.

"Hey, food hound, leave some for the rest of us!" Raph yelled as he watched Mikey huddled on the floor with the pizza.

"Yeah, whatever, I make no promises." Mikey said, already digging into a slice. Raph rolled his eyes and looked over at Casey and shrugged.

"Leo, you're doing great!" Sarah said, noticing Leo sitting across the room in the old armchair. "We aren't going to have to keep you here much longer. You should be ready to go home soon, maybe tomorrow."

"Really?" Don and Leo both asked together, each looking at each other and grinning.

"You've made huge progress." Sarah said. "Don is more than capable to continue your care at home. I'm not really seeing a reason to keep you here anymore, except that I'm going to be really sad to see all of you go." She smiled sadly as she thought about the turtles that had changed her life leaving the basement and moving on with their lives.

"Don't worry, dudette!" Mikey sputtered through a full mouth. "You'll be seeing plenty of us! We don't disappear that easily, just ask April!"

April looked at Sarah and rolled her eyes. "You got that right. They kinda grow on you, don't they?" She said, smirking at Mikey.

"Yeah, kinda like a fungus that just won't go away no matter what you do." Casey shot back, quickly dodging a friendly swipe from Raph.

"Yeah, whatever Casey. Your fungus that won't go away is the reason your bike is as sweet as it is, so I wouldn't be complaining."

Leo smiled warily from his chair across the room. The thought of going home was a huge relief. He couldn't wait to be able to sleep in his own bed, meditate in their dojo, be able to watch their T.V. on their comfy old leather couch. He knew his brothers were homesick too. Leo started slightly when he suddenly felt a pressure on his legs and looked down to see 'Hope' sitting in his lap, looking at him, her tail twitching lightly as if she knew that something was up.

He looked down at her guiltily, realizing how much he had grown attached to the small cat over the weeks he had been down here. She was the reason that he had been pulled back from the darkness that had consumed him after his accident, and she had been nothing but a constant comfort to him before he had been able to reconnect with his family. He stroked her hair lightly and watched as she rubbed her face across his fingers lovingly. Leo frowned, a strong sadness beginning to melt over him as he thought about leaving her behind.

"I'm going to have to leave, darling." Leo said softly to the small tabby. "You've been amazing. I'm going to miss you a lot."

The cat meowed softly, standing on her hind legs and putting her front legs up on Leo's plastron, putting her face up to his. He closed his eyes and smiled sadly as her rough tongue licked his face a few times as if in understanding. He scratched the cat behind her ears, feeling his heart breaking at the thought of leaving her.

Splinter watched as Leonardo stroke the cat softly, seeing the sadness cross his face. His son and that cat had developed a tight bond over the weeks, and Splinter felt that his family owed the cat everything for helping bring Leonardo back to them. He had been thinking on it for a long while.

"Dr. Smith," Splinter asked, looking over at the young doctor across the room. "What is going to happen to the cat once we are gone."

"She will probably go to a shelter." Sarah said honestly. "Hopefully she will be able to find a good family."

Splinter nodded knowingly. "I think that she already has." he said, looking over at his son who was stroking the purring cat on his lap. "If it is not any trouble, I think we would like to keep her."

Leo's face shot up quickly, looking at his father with shock written across his features. "Master Splinter…"

"She has been very important to this family over the past couple of weeks, I think all of us would be sad to see her go." Splinter continued, smiling brightly at Leo's large grin.

"Really sensei?" Mikey asked, jumping up from his pizza to walk over to the cat in Leo's lap. "We can really keep her?"

"Yes, Michelangelo." Splinter said, grinning widely. "We can really keep her."

"Master Splinter…I…thank you." Leo stammered, unable to wipe the smile off his face.

Splinter walked over to his son and put his arm around Leo's strong shoulders. "It would be a pity to sever such a strong, loving relationship. She would never find a more loving home than she would with us."

"Didja here that, 'Hope'?" Mikey cooed, patting the cat on the head. "You get to live with us. I bet you'll just love the lair." The cat rubbed her face on Mikey in response. She had taken a strong liking to Mikey over the weeks as well and purred happily at his attention.

Leo picked her up off of his lap and hugged her close. The small cat began purring with more vigor as she was held in his arms.

"Alright, enough of this mushy stuff." Raph said, rolling his eyes at his two brothers fawning over the cat. "Are we going to eat or what?"

* * *

The next night, the three younger turtle brothers, with the help of April and Casey loaded up the back of April's van with all of their belongings. Leaving brought a bit of sadness to all of them. This basement had meant a lot to the family over the past weeks. It was here that their family had grown closer and stronger, and to leave the now familiar area was bittersweet.

After getting the van loaded, the brothers returned to the basement to help their injured one up the stairs and out into the night. Leo took a few long deep breaths of the cool night air, his first breaths of fresh air for weeks. He closed his eyes and happily sighed as he felt the cool breeze on his face.

Goodbyes and endless thanks were said to Sarah who had come to see them off. She was reassured that she would see them again, after all, 'Hope' would need a good vet.

It didn't take them long to reach the closest manhole to the lair. The walk through the dark and damp sewers was hard on Leo's body, even with the strength of his brothers supporting him, and he let out a loud, relieved sigh as they finally reached the entrance to home.

Don and Raph helped Leo to the couch where he could rest, then helped unpack the rest of the belongings that had accumulated in the basement over the weeks. It didn't take long for Don, after making sure Leo was comfortable and feeling alright, to retreat to his very missed lab. Mikey had quickly hooked up his video games and plopped into his favorite chair, picking up right where he had left off. 'Hope' was let out of the carrier that Sarah had let them borrow and immediately went off to explore her new home.

Leo smiled happily as he watched his family settle right back into their lives. It all seemed the same as it had been before, and yet, it was different. Though Leo still missed Isabel every day and still felt a deep loss, he could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. The small things that had once become so dull and meaningless to him were finally beginning to fall back into place, thanks to the help and support of his family.

He felt a pressure next to him on the couch and looked over to see Raph had taken a seat next to him, gracing him with a supportive smile.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, eyeing his oldest brother.

"Exhausted." Leo answered.

"That's not what I meant." Raph said. "I saw that far off look in your eye. Is somethin bugging ya?"

"No." Leo said honestly. "No. For the first time I actually feel like things are beginning to make sense again."

"Well, that's a relief." Raph said, patting Leo hard on the back.

"Yeah." Leo said, looking around him at his familiar home. He closed his eyes and relaxed into the old cushions of his favorite couch. Yeah, life was finally beginning to make sense again.

* * *

Splinter exited his room later that night to grab a warm cup of tea before bed. He walked slowly into the living room, and what he saw brought wet tears to his eyes.

Raphael was curled up on the couch, leaning his body and head against the back for support, his mouth open, snoring softly. Leonardo was leaning up against him, his head resting on Raph's shoulder, his eyes shut tightly in sleep. Raphael had his arm draped protectively over Leonardo's shoulders, hugging his older brother closer to his body. Michelangelo had squeezed into the remaining space on the couch, curled up next to Leo, also with his arm wrapped protectively around him, his head resting gently on Leo's shoulder. Donatello had pulled a chair up to the couch and now lay with his legs draped over the side and his head resting on the arm of the couch. Raphael had his other arm laying over Donatello's plastron. To complete the picture, a small orange cat was curled up in the middle of it all, squeezed between Leonardo and Raphael's bodies for warmth.

Splinter wiped the tears that had formed from his eyes and smiled happily. His family was once again becoming whole. It had seemed for awhile that his beloved family would fall apart, but because of their love of each other, they had pulled through, each being a pillar of strength for the others.

Splinter sighed softly. For the first time in a long time he felt that everything was going to be O.K. He glanced at his sons one last time before turning around and quietly making his way back to his room. As he walked by he flipped off the light switch, blanketing the room into loving darkness.

THE END


End file.
